I have been quite busy lately.... dealing with Christmas.... the gift-buying, the gift-wrapping, the church functions, the food preparation, the house-cleaning for company, the regular family life stuff that also goes on in the midst of the extra Christmas features.
Overall, we had a very nice Christmas. It sort of took me by surprise. Christmas has always been a more difficult time for me... since probably about 20 years ago.... when it started getting harder to focus on the real reason for it after I first became a Christian. Christmas seemed easy when my main focus was on presents, decorations, and having fun. After becoming a Christian, I started wrestling with the fact that so much of Christmas didn't seem.... well... Christ-like.
When our boys were little, I kept trying out different traditions, but couldn't settle on most of them.Christmas was always so disappointing and the let-down was harder on me than any of the kids. Nothing seemed..... right. It has only been in the past 5-6 yrs. that we have settled on some traditions that now, no one wants to forget. My oldest kids are adamant about keeping our traditions.
Over the last 10 or so years, I've had homeschooling, pregnancies and miscarriages to deal with during the holiday seasons. Three of my miscarriages (and these were the later ones that were the hardest to deal with anyway) were all in November, which meant that those years, Christmas was mixed in with grief. The hardest part of that wasn't the grief itself, but the way everyone wants to sort of pretend that nothing happened.... For me, it was like the proverbial "elephant in the middle of the living room" scenario.
In 2008, I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and was suffering from a deep, deep depression. I got through the holiday ok, but that whole season was so difficult. I started believing the lies the Enemy told me that I was "worthless." I really began to believe that it would be better if I weren't here at all. Thankfully, I knew my baby DID need to be here, so she kept me from making any bad decisions that would've been permanent solutions to temporary problems. I wonder, though, if I'd have made it through, if I knew then that this would be the LAST Christmas I would have with my sister?!? I always think about that now at Christmas time.....
The last few Christmases were intensely difficult for me after my sister died. Shopping was difficult because I would see so many things that I would've liked to buy for my sister. Planning for family get-togethers were emotionally painful.... and just seeing her children growing up without her was so difficult. It has always come down so heavily upon me during this time of year.
This year, I honestly had the most difficult time ever in the weeks leading up to Christmas, but I am not even sure why, as I don't think I was as caught up in grief in the same way as I have been before. In some ways, it almost felt like my body was just pre-programmed to feel depressed at the sight of the Christmas season. I do have some health issues that played into it.... especially since I've not been able to sleep... or I sleep, but not at the right hours...This got even worse after the time change from daylight savings. I just can't make my body rest at night when it should. The resulting daytime fatigue definitely had a part in how I felt this Christmas season.
But, mostly, I have just felt so intensely lonely. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that there is NO human being on this earth.... including friends, including my husband and children.... NONE who can love me enough to take away the lonely ache that I carry around in my heart. I don't have a "kindred spirit" to share my heart with. I am alone. Yes, I know, I am not really alone... I am married and have 7 out of 8 children still living here at home.... I have a good supportive church family.... I have friends who do care about me. And, most of all, I have a God who sticks by me closer than a brother.
But, no longer do I have someone in my life that I can call when I am struggling with my old issues... my issues that have plagued me since childhood... no longer can I find someone who can encourage me the way my sister did. I crave encouragement, but even when others offer it, I find myself rejecting it, as if I don't deserve it. And, admittedly, sometimes it isn't good enough.... not the other person's fault, they just can't make up for what I lack.
Even so, I was quite surprised to find that when my family got together this year, I wasn't feeling emotional at all. I honestly had a good time and enjoyed everyone. I honestly didn't think about the absence of my sister as much as I have before... it really caught me off-guard. I have been wondering ever since, trying to understand what is different.
I've been reading some books and working towards healing and understanding... I am recognizing a deep truth that I really don't have anyone to go to when I am struggling, and so I must trust that going to the Lord IS enough. It feels like death, to be honest.... and I wonder if I will survive it, but then I think, if I am going to learn to die to my SELF.... then I am not really supposed to survive it anyway. I suppose the pain I feel is a good reminder of what needs to die....
In the midst of my inward-focused musing, I find myself wondering if anyone would notice if I weren't here. I know all too well that, for the most part, the world would just go on like normal. Very few would have their lives affected by my absence. It occurs to me that if this is the case, I haven't tried very hard to affect the world around me.. I wonder....again.... what I am supposed to do? What purpose or calling keeps me here? Where do I go from here?
It dawned on me this morning as I thought about these things that perhaps ... perhaps... I am slowly coming into a place of acceptance. I am thinking of the 5 stages of grief, the fifth one being acceptance. Maybe that is where I am now or where I am heading..... I realize it isn't a nice neat little package... quite messy actually... I suppose it isn't a place where I will even settle for a bit yet.... but at this point, maybe it is a place to slide into and out of.... until finally, someday.... I can just rest there.
In the meantime, for this next year, I am going to be focused on learning how to be alone and be ok. Not alone and isolated... not alone and independent or self-sufficient... but alone and ok. I want to be able to know and trust that the Lord is sufficient in His mercy and grace and everything else He offers. I want to know that when I can't lean on anyone else, He will be a steady Rock for me to lean on. I want to know this in my heart, not just in my head..... that He is Enough.
I am hoping to learn how to rest .....
Under His Wing....
Friday, December 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
One of THOSE days.....
It has been one of those days... you know.... ONE... OF... THOSE... days.... I woke up not feeling very well with weird, sudden, but mild laryngitis.... kids arguing downstairs.... nothing more fun than trying to communicate with your children when you have laryngitis.... By the time I got myself downstairs, they were bickering over what to have for lunch... one daughter had at least 5 tantrums today..... maybe more... each time she said she was sorry, but it didn't keep it from happening again.... The youngest child also had a few tantrums as she is never very easy to please... LOL....
Another child lost one of her math books and cried the whole hour she was trying to find it, stomping about and slamming things around... her younger brother was crying because he can't handle it when anyone else cries... he was crying so hard he was begging me for medicine for the headache he created in himself... <head shaking> When I told him to just stop crying, he said, very dramatically, "I can't stop crying, now my head hurts... don't you want to help me? Do you want me to DIE?!?! Do you really want one of your children to DIE??!?!....<sigh>
And, of course, this elusive math book that caused so much trouble was easily found once my daughter finally asked one of her brothers... he knew immediately where it was.... down in the basement on the floor under the white table.... hmmmmm..... now, don't you think if he noticed it that specifically, then he might have thought to pick it up and bring it back to the shelf? Or at least tell his sister?
By the time the book was found, I needed a short nap. I tried to listen as my child read a story to me....all I know is that she did get through it, and I know she understood it, but I have no idea what she told me ....
When I woke up from my nap, I was trying to get motivated to move and get supper ready.... but now I had a headache... so, continuing my rest on the couch, I asked an older son to put water in a pot and cook some chicken that I was planning to use in a casserole. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there was a small flood involved..... someone slipping in water.... TWICE.... and water boiled over and extinguished the flame on the gas stove... and heat was turned off by someone worried about the water overflowing... so what I found when I got up was raw chicken sitting in water....
But before I found it, I was sitting on the couch having a full blown pity-party.... yes, there was even a point when I said to myself, "I just wish somebody cared." At that EXACT moment, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I'd like to have some company. Of course, I had to take her up on it... I was laughing so hard at myself at that point, the timing was just too comical. Thank You, God for always knowing what I needed.
So, just knowing someone was coming by motivated me to get off the couch, encourage the kids to help clean a little, did a load of laundry, and started supper (which was something quicker than the chicken casserole I had previously planned.) My friend came by and she allowed me to eat while we talked and it was nice... I actually found myself laughing to the point where I was afraid tears might spill out! It was an amazing shift of mood for me.
So, now I am still up too late and need to get back to bed, but the good news is, the laundry is done, the supper leftovers are put away and the kitchen is clean.... oh, and I already have tomorrow's chicken casserole prepared and it only needs to go into the oven tomorrow. I love how God will use His people to encourage one another in a difficult time. My friend didn't even know I was having such a bad day until after she got here. She told me that she was going to ask me about coming over last week, but never remembered to say anything to me until that last moment when she texted me at the perfect time. I said, "Well, I am pretty sure that was God, not you!" LOL! Life with Him is never dull.... love living life....
Under His Wing.....
Another child lost one of her math books and cried the whole hour she was trying to find it, stomping about and slamming things around... her younger brother was crying because he can't handle it when anyone else cries... he was crying so hard he was begging me for medicine for the headache he created in himself... <head shaking> When I told him to just stop crying, he said, very dramatically, "I can't stop crying, now my head hurts... don't you want to help me? Do you want me to DIE?!?! Do you really want one of your children to DIE??!?!....<sigh>
And, of course, this elusive math book that caused so much trouble was easily found once my daughter finally asked one of her brothers... he knew immediately where it was.... down in the basement on the floor under the white table.... hmmmmm..... now, don't you think if he noticed it that specifically, then he might have thought to pick it up and bring it back to the shelf? Or at least tell his sister?
By the time the book was found, I needed a short nap. I tried to listen as my child read a story to me....all I know is that she did get through it, and I know she understood it, but I have no idea what she told me ....
When I woke up from my nap, I was trying to get motivated to move and get supper ready.... but now I had a headache... so, continuing my rest on the couch, I asked an older son to put water in a pot and cook some chicken that I was planning to use in a casserole. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there was a small flood involved..... someone slipping in water.... TWICE.... and water boiled over and extinguished the flame on the gas stove... and heat was turned off by someone worried about the water overflowing... so what I found when I got up was raw chicken sitting in water....
But before I found it, I was sitting on the couch having a full blown pity-party.... yes, there was even a point when I said to myself, "I just wish somebody cared." At that EXACT moment, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I'd like to have some company. Of course, I had to take her up on it... I was laughing so hard at myself at that point, the timing was just too comical. Thank You, God for always knowing what I needed.
So, just knowing someone was coming by motivated me to get off the couch, encourage the kids to help clean a little, did a load of laundry, and started supper (which was something quicker than the chicken casserole I had previously planned.) My friend came by and she allowed me to eat while we talked and it was nice... I actually found myself laughing to the point where I was afraid tears might spill out! It was an amazing shift of mood for me.
So, now I am still up too late and need to get back to bed, but the good news is, the laundry is done, the supper leftovers are put away and the kitchen is clean.... oh, and I already have tomorrow's chicken casserole prepared and it only needs to go into the oven tomorrow. I love how God will use His people to encourage one another in a difficult time. My friend didn't even know I was having such a bad day until after she got here. She told me that she was going to ask me about coming over last week, but never remembered to say anything to me until that last moment when she texted me at the perfect time. I said, "Well, I am pretty sure that was God, not you!" LOL! Life with Him is never dull.... love living life....
Under His Wing.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)