I have been quite busy lately.... dealing with Christmas.... the gift-buying, the gift-wrapping, the church functions, the food preparation, the house-cleaning for company, the regular family life stuff that also goes on in the midst of the extra Christmas features.
Overall, we had a very nice Christmas. It sort of took me by surprise. Christmas has always been a more difficult time for me... since probably about 20 years ago.... when it started getting harder to focus on the real reason for it after I first became a Christian. Christmas seemed easy when my main focus was on presents, decorations, and having fun. After becoming a Christian, I started wrestling with the fact that so much of Christmas didn't seem.... well... Christ-like.
When our boys were little, I kept trying out different traditions, but couldn't settle on most of them.Christmas was always so disappointing and the let-down was harder on me than any of the kids. Nothing seemed..... right. It has only been in the past 5-6 yrs. that we have settled on some traditions that now, no one wants to forget. My oldest kids are adamant about keeping our traditions.
Over the last 10 or so years, I've had homeschooling, pregnancies and miscarriages to deal with during the holiday seasons. Three of my miscarriages (and these were the later ones that were the hardest to deal with anyway) were all in November, which meant that those years, Christmas was mixed in with grief. The hardest part of that wasn't the grief itself, but the way everyone wants to sort of pretend that nothing happened.... For me, it was like the proverbial "elephant in the middle of the living room" scenario.
In 2008, I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and was suffering from a deep, deep depression. I got through the holiday ok, but that whole season was so difficult. I started believing the lies the Enemy told me that I was "worthless." I really began to believe that it would be better if I weren't here at all. Thankfully, I knew my baby DID need to be here, so she kept me from making any bad decisions that would've been permanent solutions to temporary problems. I wonder, though, if I'd have made it through, if I knew then that this would be the LAST Christmas I would have with my sister?!? I always think about that now at Christmas time.....
The last few Christmases were intensely difficult for me after my sister died. Shopping was difficult because I would see so many things that I would've liked to buy for my sister. Planning for family get-togethers were emotionally painful.... and just seeing her children growing up without her was so difficult. It has always come down so heavily upon me during this time of year.
This year, I honestly had the most difficult time ever in the weeks leading up to Christmas, but I am not even sure why, as I don't think I was as caught up in grief in the same way as I have been before. In some ways, it almost felt like my body was just pre-programmed to feel depressed at the sight of the Christmas season. I do have some health issues that played into it.... especially since I've not been able to sleep... or I sleep, but not at the right hours...This got even worse after the time change from daylight savings. I just can't make my body rest at night when it should. The resulting daytime fatigue definitely had a part in how I felt this Christmas season.
But, mostly, I have just felt so intensely lonely. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that there is NO human being on this earth.... including friends, including my husband and children.... NONE who can love me enough to take away the lonely ache that I carry around in my heart. I don't have a "kindred spirit" to share my heart with. I am alone. Yes, I know, I am not really alone... I am married and have 7 out of 8 children still living here at home.... I have a good supportive church family.... I have friends who do care about me. And, most of all, I have a God who sticks by me closer than a brother.
But, no longer do I have someone in my life that I can call when I am struggling with my old issues... my issues that have plagued me since childhood... no longer can I find someone who can encourage me the way my sister did. I crave encouragement, but even when others offer it, I find myself rejecting it, as if I don't deserve it. And, admittedly, sometimes it isn't good enough.... not the other person's fault, they just can't make up for what I lack.
Even so, I was quite surprised to find that when my family got together this year, I wasn't feeling emotional at all. I honestly had a good time and enjoyed everyone. I honestly didn't think about the absence of my sister as much as I have before... it really caught me off-guard. I have been wondering ever since, trying to understand what is different.
I've been reading some books and working towards healing and understanding... I am recognizing a deep truth that I really don't have anyone to go to when I am struggling, and so I must trust that going to the Lord IS enough. It feels like death, to be honest.... and I wonder if I will survive it, but then I think, if I am going to learn to die to my SELF.... then I am not really supposed to survive it anyway. I suppose the pain I feel is a good reminder of what needs to die....
In the midst of my inward-focused musing, I find myself wondering if anyone would notice if I weren't here. I know all too well that, for the most part, the world would just go on like normal. Very few would have their lives affected by my absence. It occurs to me that if this is the case, I haven't tried very hard to affect the world around me.. I wonder....again.... what I am supposed to do? What purpose or calling keeps me here? Where do I go from here?
It dawned on me this morning as I thought about these things that perhaps ... perhaps... I am slowly coming into a place of acceptance. I am thinking of the 5 stages of grief, the fifth one being acceptance. Maybe that is where I am now or where I am heading..... I realize it isn't a nice neat little package... quite messy actually... I suppose it isn't a place where I will even settle for a bit yet.... but at this point, maybe it is a place to slide into and out of.... until finally, someday.... I can just rest there.
In the meantime, for this next year, I am going to be focused on learning how to be alone and be ok. Not alone and isolated... not alone and independent or self-sufficient... but alone and ok. I want to be able to know and trust that the Lord is sufficient in His mercy and grace and everything else He offers. I want to know that when I can't lean on anyone else, He will be a steady Rock for me to lean on. I want to know this in my heart, not just in my head..... that He is Enough.
I am hoping to learn how to rest .....
Under His Wing....
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