Moving Through Darkness Can't Be Rushed....

 

Read this excerpt this morning:

"This passage illustrates an important truth about the growth process. 

It cannot be willed. It can only be enhanced by adding grace, truth, and time, 

and then God produces the growth. If we are depressed, for example, it does no 

good to try to be “undepressed.” It does help, however, to cultivate the soil of 

our soul with the nutrients of grace, truth, and time. Only then will we gradually 

be transformed to greater and greater stages of joy." 

Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal.

          I chose this specific passage, because it is this excerpt that speaks so much hope and truth to me. Have you ever sensed that you were in the midst of a "growth process" and you wished you could move through it faster... or felt that others around you wanted you to move through it faster? I have had that experience many times, but never was the process more painstakingly slow and difficult than when I experienced severe depression mixed with guilt and grief.

          Being with people would sometimes ease the ache in my heart, which was the most severe loneliness I have ever experienced... and yet, so often, I also felt that being around people was even more painful because I constantly felt that I did not meet their expectations, nor did they meet mine. Did they really expect me to be positive and happy? Did they really want me to be able to acknowledge God in everything that was happening in my life? Did they really think that I could talk about normal, mundane things that didn't matter when I was experiencing the greatest trauma I have encountered, thus far in my life? Did they really think that I only cared about myself, simply because I could not talk about other things going on in the world? The lack of hope was crippling enough... the lack of peace was maddening.... the lack of grace was impossible....

          I love what Dr. Cloud says in this excerpt that "if we are depressed, for example, it does no good to be 'undepressed.'"  Truer words were never spoken. Sometimes, I think, because we do not want to see a person we care about in pain, we ask them to heal faster.... faster than they can.... faster than they want to... and we miss the little steps that are being taken....

          I also realized that there were many people who asked me how I was doing, but did not really want to know... and *I* was expected to discern which was which... if I exposed my dark nature to the wrong person, that was my fault... my indiscretion... I am to only expose myself to someone who is "safe," and that implies that I am supposed to know who is safe, who is not... I am supposed to be "on guard," yet know when to be transparent, vulnerable, in order to build stronger relationships with others...etc.

          It seems to me, that many people do not realize that this function is basically broken during a deep depression. I could not "fake" my emotions and be something I was not, in order to make others around me feel more comfortable. Sometimes, I could not even smile and say I was fine... that was too hard to pretend. On the flip side, being truly transparent about my pain was also very difficult and something I often had to force myself to be able to do when someone actually seemed interested... trust was very difficult, partly because of my experiences, and partly because of my own heart issues. I have struggled to trust anyone, but especially myself. I knew my own heart could not be trusted.

          So, I can't blame people for avoiding me, but I can't say they are guiltless in this.... there are few people who are willing to walk into someone else's darkness and share light with them, but thankfully, the Lord did send a few of these people my way. It made all the difference...

          You see, I wanted the way out... I was groping in the dark and finding my way.... I was always moving towards the light and towards healing... but I couldn't move very fast. I couldn't rush it. The pain of the process was horrendous at times... sometimes because of things people said, or did not say... sometimes because of the accusations my own heart made against me. But, the Lord DID provide certain people with the right amount of grace and truth, in my life, so that slowly.... over time... I did start to come back into the light....

          This book, Changes that Heal,  was a resource God brought into my life at just the right time for me to read it and understand some deeper things about myself that I had never understood before. The timing of coming across this book was amazing.

          Am I healed? Well, honestly, I don't think so... I still have dark days that feel like I've been suddenly thrown into the deepest, darkest pit.... but I am finding that I can come out of the pit much faster and easier than before...they are not so deep anymore! I am healing, slowly, but surely... over .... time..... it can't be rushed... and I believe that God is transforming me into greater and greater stages of joy....

          And He uses me to speak to others who struggle with grief and depression... it has been helpful for me to know that my feelings are actually pretty normal. It has helped me even more to know that I have been able to encourage and give hope to others who are also lost in darkness. I am blessed when I can see how far I have come, and they are blessed to know that they have been validated and encouraged.

          But, I can promise you that no amount of "thinking positive" would ever have gotten me here. No amount of "looking on the bright side" would've gotten me here.... and no, not even thanking God in all circumstances got me here... though, it did often lighten the burden I carried... because, you see... the only thing *I* did was look to the Light, and ask Him to bring me into it. I gave informed consent to the Master Physician to do the heart surgery I needed Him to do... Oh, sure, there was obedience all along, as I learned to take each step towards healing, just as a heart patient has to do certain things to recover... medication, diet, exercise, etc., I had to agree to each treatment and walk it out, but I couldn't actually heal or change my heart unless HE was doing it.

          It wasn't until I stopped trying to heal myself and let Jesus have the job..... let Him be the Healer He is, that HE did the transforming work....but it took time... probably looked at times to others like I wasn't trying at all...  and they were right. :-)

          The good news is that since it wasn't me, I know that whatever work He has done is true and permanent healing... and I know He isn't done yet.... but, oh, how nice it is now..... here in the Light.

Under His Wing