The Last Blog Post!?!?

     I have several blog posts that are partially written, yet unfinished.... something keeps me from being able to write anything that has any real meaning or substance.... This morning I woke up thinking about it.... and it seems to me that my writing is uninspiring... I thought about the fact that I receive very little feedback, and I have no idea if anything I ever say, matters.....

     I admit, I do not know how the whole blogging thing works.. I don't know how to put up a fancy page with music and pictures.... and I suppose if I wrote more consistently, that might help. Maybe having a consistent topic would help, too. I really struggle to keep blogging, though without any feedback at all...

     I know many people would say, "Just write for yourself...." but I do.... and maybe that is the point... I do write for myself... and apparently, it is uninspiring....maybe because it is for me, it does not "move" people to comment or respond. There is no dialogue, which is what I desire more than expressing myself.... Right now, it isn't even inspiring to me.

      Thinking deeply this morning.... about why I write... what is it for? What is the point? I believe that the Lord is showing me some things about what writing does to me.... It is an unhealthy picture.

      I had a friend once who told me that sharing things with me was difficult for her. I tend to have a easier time sharing difficult things because it actually helps me to process my hurt or confusion. But, for her, she felt like sharing something deep and private and difficult was like cutting off a limb and handing it to me to see how I handled this great sacrifice. Because of this word picture, when someone reveals something to me that I know was difficult for them, I try to be careful to treat it with this kind of reverence and respect, and I believe it is one reason people tend to share a lot of different, difficult hurts with me.

      This morning, in my early waking, I realized that while I share things much easier than some people, and God has blessed that, for He made me that way, when I write, it is often the same feeling for me.... I write something from deep in my heart, and it is like cutting off  a limb and handing it to the world (or at least to my friends in this world,) and waiting to see how this limb is then handled.

     But this has a negative affect on me when there is no response. I have found that writing emails, FB posts, and even texts that are not replied to has this same effect on me.... this sense that my words-- my limbs-- were just thrown into a trash heap.... which means, of course, that it happens a lot. I allow this constant bruising to my own heart.....

     It's true.... no matter how I try to reason with myself about the myriad reasons for why people do not reply or respond to what I write, I am always hurt by it..... and I keep doing this... I write with this hope that something will inspire or provoke others to respond, but usually, people are not moved.

     This is not healthy... in fact, it is deadly.... it is sin... a form of idolatry... I offer these sacrifices up to the god of approval and affirmation, and, just like idols of stone or wood in the Bible, there is no life in it... Such idols do not lead to life or health, but only to destruction.... that is the road I am on.... as I write for approval and affirmation from others. I am often left with the emptiness that comes from following a dead idol.... I am led to my own destruction.... I am led to the end of myself.

     So, I am left with a bit of a conundrum. On one hand, writing has always been like breathing for me.... it is much easier for me to express what is happening in my heart through writing.... writing allows me to form thoughts about feelings I have that I can't seem to express through my mouth. Losing this form of communication would be very difficult for me. But, now, I am wondering if I need to pull in, withdraw, and keep my words to myself... at least for awhile... The thought of that actually frightens me a bit, which may be the biggest indication that I need to do it. God knows, in my heart, I want my writing to honor Him... that is one of my greatest desires, BUT if my writing has this affect on me--  to look to others instead of to Him.... then how can that really honor Him? If I have this reaction in my heart whenever I write to my friends, how can I honor such friendships? I can't...

     So, signing off here for awhile... not sure how long... need to find focus and direction in Christ and I don't know how long it will take until my heart is freed from this particular idol.... it has been with me a very long time. If He inspires me, I will write again, but I want it to be for Him, not for me.

     For those of you who read this, and who do not like to write, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but I assure you, it is with tears that I write this.... I feel like I am getting ready to hold my breath for an indefinite period of time. :-(