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| My daughter, Sarah, in the center with her friends: Angela, on the left and Emma, on the right |
For eleven years... I was the mom of only boys... four boys... I kept track of their baseball mitts and golf clubs and bought them cleats and baseball pants and soccer balls... I marveled at their inability to simply walk into a room and sit down... it seemed like everyone was always tumbling into the space and sliding into "home." I could be rather disgusted at times with their "body noises" that they seemed to exhibit at the worst times... and they were always competing at something....
There were lots of weapons at my house.... light sabers, Nerf guns, and plastic swords.... and more Legos than could ever be counted! I remember once being upset that my boys and their friends weren't really bonding much at my son's birthday party.... just playing video games.... until I sat there and really watched them and began to realize that they WERE bonding! It just looked different from what I would've expected....They were so easy to entertain... just hand them a ball and they were preoccupied for hours!
Through all the years of having just boys, I really did enjoy the simplicity of raising these young men, and I took it to heart that I had a responsibility to them, but, in some ways, I felt like I got off easy because I knew that they were going to learn many things from their father about how to be a man. I thought about how I had to show them what kind of woman they would someday want to marry, and often felt like I failed miserably. But, I loved each and every boy, and loved the relationships I built with each one....
Then, when my oldest son turned 11yo, my first daughter came into my life! I was so excited, yet terrified at the same time.... what if I couldn't be the mom she needed me to be to help her become the woman she would need to become?!?! Did I really know everything I needed to know to raise DAUGHTERS? Would my daughter and I get along?!? Yes, these are the fears that I grappled with in the first few days of her arrival. Suddenly, I felt the burden of responsibility on ME quite heavily!
That week of contemplation about my ability and adequacy was now 12 years ago! I have now been the mother of not only sons, but also daughters for 12 years!
Last night, we celebrated Sarah's birthday. I just marveled at her as I watched her with her friends. She is the embodiment of her middle name.... Olivia Grace which means "peaceful grace." She isn't always peaceful, as she can be quite maternal to her younger siblings, but not always in the sweetest way possible. And she doesn't always offer them grace either.... ;-) But, I watched her last night with her friends, and I was just amazed at how well she got along with everyone.
She planned the party pretty much on her own, as I was gone most of last week. She planned the food and the activities and she even made her own cake and decorated it. She made her own invitations and mailed them, and then worked out the transportation for everyone.
I'll admit, sleepovers always bring up my own issues from childhood.... I struggle with anxiety about how things will go, whether we will have the right food, whether the kids will be upset that I don't do "party favors"... Will they think our house is shabby-looking, especially since I was gone all last week, getting it cleaned up was very rushed? What if no one comes? What if they come, but don't want to do what Sarah wants to do? What if some of them don't get along? What if they all feel bored? Memories from my own childhood and certain sleepovers come to mind and my own emotions are stirred into the all too familiar "rejection" pattern that I struggle with. I begin to feel like I'd rather not celebrate my daughter's birthday, than to feel all this angst again, but I shove it aside as much as possible so I can do what she needs me to do.
When the girls came last night, before I even got in the door of the house and got my coat off, they had already grabbed some crepe paper and were beginning to decorate the house.... They decorated the entire main level... Then, they went outside for a time, but spent most of the time playing a board game, laughing and relating. They ate tacos in a circle on the floor and laughed and related.... They ate cake and ice cream while watching a movie and later went back to their game. I was actually a little nervous to be a part of this wonderful soiree, but asked Sarah and her friends if they would like me to do their hair. Four of them agreed, and it was so fun to listen to their chatter as I worked on their hair, making them look like princesses!
Even when two of the girls had to leave, I was just amazed at how my daughter seemed to be so content and at ease with it all... and I realized that she didn't have all the baggage I had. As I watched it all through her eyes and not just my own, I began to see a way out of my own sense of rejection that I have been plagued with my whole life. When I watched through her eyes, I could see more clearly the truth of her relationships and how strong and self-assured she was in them. I still wonder if I can ever truly have that.
There have been many times in my life since I became the mother of, now, three daughters (and one more son!) that I have often thought about how much they are like me... different in their own way, yet a reflection of who I might have been as a child if I had grown up with some understanding of grace in my life. I don't think it is a coincidence that God gave me the name "Grace" as one of Sarah's middle names. At the time, I thought it was simply because of His precious gift to me.... but now I see how He uses it to teach me all the time... She is so much like I might've been if I had known grace at a young age... it is like watching a better version of myself sometimes.
Last night... all the boys were gone except for Matthew, who went to bed early.... so it was just the sound of little girls giggling and relating to each other...... only girls..... I thought about how it was with the boys years ago and how different the boys were from the girls....... I thought about how each situation is such a joy to experience and how blessed I am to be able to experience both sides....
I marvel at how the Lord has used my boys to teach me so many things about being a mother... and how He has used my daughters to teach me so many things about myself.
Under His Wing.....
