A Normal Day.....

          Today went better in some ways... and worse in other ways... than I expected.... Today was the day... the 4th anniversary of my sister's death.... Besides the fact that I am the type of individual who is deeply affected by anniversary dates, because of the nature of my sister's illness and death, it isn't just one date. It was long and drawn out over months, and the entire "season" of the anniversary affects not only me, but other members of my family as well.

          I was going to try to push myself , this year, to have a fun day with my kids.... something that is often harder for me to do than it should be anyway. My mind is always on work that needs to be done.... It was my plan to go to the park and also get some shopping done... I didn't feel like I could manage staying home and having a normal day.

           However, I woke up feeling very sore from the yardwork I did yesterday... I was moving very slowly this morning, and was trying to get my thoughts organized and realized it was going to be a rainy day.... Sarah was invited last minute to go to a birthday party, so that also made things more difficult. She also wanted to go shopping with us. So, as I tried to plan my day, I figured, I'd just take the little ones grocery shopping, and then play games with them.... We got lunch made and I was trying to finalize my meal plan for the week and make a grocery list.....

            The kids kept asking when we would go, but my brain just wasn't working that fast and I was feeling a little overwhelmed with the task. I was also trying to straighten up the kitchen, and asked the kids to do the same for the dining room and living room. I got the idea (thank goodness) to make supper then, instead of later since I knew I'd be tired, so I took some time as I made a nice lasagna with homemade ricotta cheese.

              Sarah's ride came and she left, but shortly after, we discovered our water line had air in it and was spitting and spewing dark brown water from our pipes... not sure why this happens, but every now and then, it does. This was the longest time we ever had just air and no water at all, though... the toilet made a horrendous sound for over 20 minutes and I called Tony to see what we should do about it. He called the water company, and they would be coming by, so we had to wait and not leave.... I couldn't do laundry, which I was preparing to do because the washer was now filled with brown water.... After awhile, the water started flowing again, though brown, then yellow in color.... the water guy came and I told him what we experienced and he said they were looking for a leak and didn't know why this was happening, but that they were working on it. The whole time, the kids kept asking me when we were going to leave, but I had to run all the water faucets to flush them out.

                Finally, at 4:30pm, I piled the kids into the van and we headed to Aldi... and of course, now it started pouring down rain.... I felt like the sky was reflecting my emotions, to be honest.... I wasn't really in the mood to go shopping at all, especially with my youngest three kids. Thankfully, they were pretty well-behaved, for the most part, but it is never easy to get through the check-out with them. Today, they each had money that they earned from working in the yard yesterday, so they wanted to buy candy.... one almost had a meltdown because the candy she wanted was tucked behind the other candy and it took a minute for me to find it. Phew! Then, while I loaded all the groceries into the many cloth tote bags that I had brought with me, the three of them kept running about even though I told them they MUST sit down.... When we took the groceries to the van it was raining even harder than before...my muscles strained as I lifted each bag of groceries myself and I told the kids to get in the van and buckle up... of course, one had to tease and two had to scream before they complied.

                 Driving home, I was thinking about how I didn't feel like I could handle having a "normal" day with this anniversary... and it wasn't really normal either... ha, ha...... it was pretty crazy.... but I sensed Jesus telling me that He walked through it with me .... Yeah, it did not really distract me from my grief...... I thought about my sister a lot today.....  but He was there with me.... and yes, it got crazy and I cried a little.... but He was right there.... I had tried to make plans to keep my heart from hurting too much, but I couldn't really protect myself that way. He knew that walking out a crazy, difficult day was best for me, even though it would not distract me from the deeper pain, but it instead would help me to rely a little more on Him.

                And, maybe, in a way.... that is as close as I can get to having a "normal" day for this anniversary.


Under His Wing.......

A Savior Who Understands Me

       

           Have you ever thought about the fact that Joseph, Jesus' earthly father, was not at the Crucifixion? Most everything I've ever heard or read has stated that Joseph died sometime before Jesus began his ministry. He is not mentioned, other than as Jesus' father in the Bible after Jesus' begins teaching and preaching. Did you ever think about what that means? It means Jesus didn't heal him. It means Jesus didn't raise him from the dead.

          I don't know much about church history or theology, and I am not going to take the time right this minute to try to find out what has been said about Joseph, but I don't think the fact that he probably died before Jesus' ministry began means that Jesus couldn't heal him or raise him up. I know it had not yet come for Jesus to start His ministry, but He was still fully God and fully man. He seemed to have some awareness of who He was when he was 12 years old, and Joseph was still around then. I wonder what kind of pain it caused Him to lay down His ability to breathe life into Joseph with a simple spoken word... that is all it would've taken....

                So, I was thinking about what that means..... that He didn't raise him or heal him because it wasn't the will of the Father at that time. Jesus only did the will of His Heavenly Father. Because Jesus knew what was to come, then death itself may not have been that big of a deal, but I think one reason for this experience was maybe so Jesus could know what that feels like as a human being..... to have someone you love die (maybe even suffer beforehand) and to grieve the absence afterward...... so He could know what it feels like to us when we miss someone we love. So He could fully understand the "sting of death" before accepting what was coming for Himself. 

I think that is why He wept with Martha and Mary, even though He knew He was going to raise Lazarus... He understood their broken hearts and the very real pain that comes with grief... He may have cried for Lazarus' suffering, but I really think He wept for the grieving.... see how He was deeply moved... it was when He saw the weeping of those with Mary.

³³ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 

³⁴ “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

³⁵ Jesus wept.

³⁶ Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

³⁷ But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”  John 11:33-37

          What does this mean for me? Right now, I am at a point where I feel like I am supposed to be finished with grieving my sister's death... meaning that I feel like it is expected of me..... it has been four years... I know I will see her again one day in Heaven... I look forward to it and I am aware of the hope that lies within me... I am thankful for the 40 years I had with her...... BUT, I still long for just ONE more hug or conversation... I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is for me to believe it has already been four years! How can that be? My heart is still heavy with her absence...

           I know that some will understand the pain, but they have dealt with loss differently from me, and will assume I should do the same... others have not yet lost someone so close.... even I have been through other losses, but never had them rock my world in quite the way this one did, so I can understand why it is different for others.... some are not familiar at all with loss yet, and really can't comprehend what it is like...... so much goes into it: the dynamics of the relationship, the personality and temperament of the grieving person, etc.

          I feel very lonely at times in my grieving, partially because I feel like talking about it makes people think I am consumed by it, even though, I know I am not. There are just those days that are harder.... and I never know when they will hit....though there are times like this month that they hit more frequently.

          But, you see, Jesus, knows! My Jesus knows my heart and the heartbreak..... He understands the depths of my heart that others cannot. I love my Jesus because He understands me so well and He loves me even though, I cannot always do things the way I should. What a comfort to know that He gets it!

           And one of the best things He does for me is He sends those occasional, few friends who also get it... who let me be me... who let me be sad and yet, encourage me and remind me that I am loved. Whether they realize it or not, they are allowing Jesus to work through them and He is loving me through their kindness. This is the power of Christ in my life and in theirs. 

I think it is one of the greatest gifts of all... to have a Savior who understands me! 

Under His Wing.....