Moving Through Darkness Can't Be Rushed....

 

Read this excerpt this morning:

"This passage illustrates an important truth about the growth process. 

It cannot be willed. It can only be enhanced by adding grace, truth, and time, 

and then God produces the growth. If we are depressed, for example, it does no 

good to try to be “undepressed.” It does help, however, to cultivate the soil of 

our soul with the nutrients of grace, truth, and time. Only then will we gradually 

be transformed to greater and greater stages of joy." 

Dr. Henry Cloud, Changes that Heal.

          I chose this specific passage, because it is this excerpt that speaks so much hope and truth to me. Have you ever sensed that you were in the midst of a "growth process" and you wished you could move through it faster... or felt that others around you wanted you to move through it faster? I have had that experience many times, but never was the process more painstakingly slow and difficult than when I experienced severe depression mixed with guilt and grief.

          Being with people would sometimes ease the ache in my heart, which was the most severe loneliness I have ever experienced... and yet, so often, I also felt that being around people was even more painful because I constantly felt that I did not meet their expectations, nor did they meet mine. Did they really expect me to be positive and happy? Did they really want me to be able to acknowledge God in everything that was happening in my life? Did they really think that I could talk about normal, mundane things that didn't matter when I was experiencing the greatest trauma I have encountered, thus far in my life? Did they really think that I only cared about myself, simply because I could not talk about other things going on in the world? The lack of hope was crippling enough... the lack of peace was maddening.... the lack of grace was impossible....

          I love what Dr. Cloud says in this excerpt that "if we are depressed, for example, it does no good to be 'undepressed.'"  Truer words were never spoken. Sometimes, I think, because we do not want to see a person we care about in pain, we ask them to heal faster.... faster than they can.... faster than they want to... and we miss the little steps that are being taken....

          I also realized that there were many people who asked me how I was doing, but did not really want to know... and *I* was expected to discern which was which... if I exposed my dark nature to the wrong person, that was my fault... my indiscretion... I am to only expose myself to someone who is "safe," and that implies that I am supposed to know who is safe, who is not... I am supposed to be "on guard," yet know when to be transparent, vulnerable, in order to build stronger relationships with others...etc.

          It seems to me, that many people do not realize that this function is basically broken during a deep depression. I could not "fake" my emotions and be something I was not, in order to make others around me feel more comfortable. Sometimes, I could not even smile and say I was fine... that was too hard to pretend. On the flip side, being truly transparent about my pain was also very difficult and something I often had to force myself to be able to do when someone actually seemed interested... trust was very difficult, partly because of my experiences, and partly because of my own heart issues. I have struggled to trust anyone, but especially myself. I knew my own heart could not be trusted.

          So, I can't blame people for avoiding me, but I can't say they are guiltless in this.... there are few people who are willing to walk into someone else's darkness and share light with them, but thankfully, the Lord did send a few of these people my way. It made all the difference...

          You see, I wanted the way out... I was groping in the dark and finding my way.... I was always moving towards the light and towards healing... but I couldn't move very fast. I couldn't rush it. The pain of the process was horrendous at times... sometimes because of things people said, or did not say... sometimes because of the accusations my own heart made against me. But, the Lord DID provide certain people with the right amount of grace and truth, in my life, so that slowly.... over time... I did start to come back into the light....

          This book, Changes that Heal,  was a resource God brought into my life at just the right time for me to read it and understand some deeper things about myself that I had never understood before. The timing of coming across this book was amazing.

          Am I healed? Well, honestly, I don't think so... I still have dark days that feel like I've been suddenly thrown into the deepest, darkest pit.... but I am finding that I can come out of the pit much faster and easier than before...they are not so deep anymore! I am healing, slowly, but surely... over .... time..... it can't be rushed... and I believe that God is transforming me into greater and greater stages of joy....

          And He uses me to speak to others who struggle with grief and depression... it has been helpful for me to know that my feelings are actually pretty normal. It has helped me even more to know that I have been able to encourage and give hope to others who are also lost in darkness. I am blessed when I can see how far I have come, and they are blessed to know that they have been validated and encouraged.

          But, I can promise you that no amount of "thinking positive" would ever have gotten me here. No amount of "looking on the bright side" would've gotten me here.... and no, not even thanking God in all circumstances got me here... though, it did often lighten the burden I carried... because, you see... the only thing *I* did was look to the Light, and ask Him to bring me into it. I gave informed consent to the Master Physician to do the heart surgery I needed Him to do... Oh, sure, there was obedience all along, as I learned to take each step towards healing, just as a heart patient has to do certain things to recover... medication, diet, exercise, etc., I had to agree to each treatment and walk it out, but I couldn't actually heal or change my heart unless HE was doing it.

          It wasn't until I stopped trying to heal myself and let Jesus have the job..... let Him be the Healer He is, that HE did the transforming work....but it took time... probably looked at times to others like I wasn't trying at all...  and they were right. :-)

          The good news is that since it wasn't me, I know that whatever work He has done is true and permanent healing... and I know He isn't done yet.... but, oh, how nice it is now..... here in the Light.

Under His Wing

Learning to Live Out the True Self

Have you ever read a book that was life-changing? I have been in the process of changing since I started reading a book called Changes that Heal by Dr. Henry Cloud. He is a Christian psychologist, and the book deals primarily with relational issues. Everyone has issues that get in the way of forming deeper relationships, and I have plenty myself. In this book, the author helps us to understand what the problem is, what the solution is, what the barriers are to the solutions, and what we can do to move towards growth, healing, and deeper relationship.

This morning, this passage hit me strongly-- "[He] found that when he could be himself in relationship with God and others, healing was possible. Problems occur when the real self, the one God created, is hiding from God and others.

If the true self is in hiding, the false self is the self that is conformed to this world (Rom. 12:2). The false self is the self we present to others, the false front, if you will, that we put up for others to see."

Also, "As long as the lying, false self is the one relating to God, others, and ourselves, then grace and truth cannot heal us. The false self tries to 'heal' us by its own methods; it always finds false solutions, and the real self that God created to grow into his likeness stays hidden and unexposed to grace and truth." Changes that Heal, Ch. 1.

I spent a lot of time this morning thinking about how hard it is to share your true self... I haven't met too many people who have given me the impression that they are living out of their true self. Sometimes, it is hard to share your true self because of the fear of exposing yourself... sometimes because of perceived expectations of others, and sometimes it is hard because of REAL expectations of others that you simply can't live up to....  I think it takes a brave, courageous heart, a trusting soul, and a humble and willing spirit to share the person God has made you to be! To clarify, presenting a "false self" does not mean lying intentionally to fool people... it is what we have learned about how to respond to people and their expectations.

I am still in the process of learning how to live out of my true self. It doesn't seem to be a smooth process... it seems like a two steps forward, one step back kind of process... I think it is the hardest when I have actually experienced some success... I can tell that I am struggling less and less with certain aspects of my relationships and my feelings toward myself, but, then, when a hard day hits, it seems like it hits harder than ever... sort of like falling off a hilltop!

I have had a lot of fear in my life, and a lot of fear about sharing my true self because I have gone through some devastating losses and rejection. I am also still learning about the things that I have to share with others. I have struggled with so many fears about being unable to give anything to others... I *feel* untalented, unskilled, and underdeveloped in terms of gifts and abilities. It is so hard sometimes to fight against that feeling and believe what I know must be true because God has given each of His children gifts and abilities, and I am one of His children.

Yesterday, I was reading this passage from 1 Thessalonians--

¹¹ Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.¹² Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. ¹³ Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. ¹⁴ And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. ¹⁵ Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

Good relational thoughts and ideas in this passage.....I thought about how often we do NOT do this in the Church as a whole... For the most part, the Body of Christ lives out of a "false self" that will often accuse, blame, or chide those who don't seem to play by the rules...  So often, we don't even realize who around us needs encouragement.

Praying that the Lord would open my eyes a bit wider this winter to see those who need a kind word and a little building up... praying that He would help me to know how to use my own gifts and abilities to further His kingdom and encourage His people. Also praying that I will trust Him when I find myself feeling discouraged and disillusioned that He will provide encouragement in the best way for me, and not to look to others to do it.... because often, they just can't...

Broken, but Blessed.....

Under His Wing