How Can This Be?!

It was 6 years ago.... on an early Thursday morning, that the Lord began to speak to me about my sister....even though, the last emails I had received were positive and talked of her getting better and eventually going to a rehab facility, I sensed that something wasn't right.... I began to pray and sob and cry out to the Lord.... I wrestled for three hours at least, until finally around 3 am, I was able to pray, "Thy will be done...." Peace washed over me in that moment... I fell asleep....

Six hours later, I received the phone call that my sister was not going to survive her illness... I was told that she was not doing well during the night, and they worked on stabilizing her, but it wasn't until around 3 am that she finally stabilized... I was told that there was nothing more they could do....

We drove to Chicago, and I remember being swaddled in His peace.... all the way there... I kept thanking Him....I listened to praise music in the car and worshiped Him all the way to the hospital.... I was thankful that I had prayed that prayer the night before, and wasn't forced to do it now....

The Lord walked those days so very close to me.... when I walked into that hospital and saw my sister's body, and when I was in a different hospital 3 days later delivering Abigail. He was right there with me... He never left me..... I never felt Him closer than I did during that time...

I admit that I couldn't understand why my sister died, but I didn't really feel the need to question God why.... When I first got to the hospital, and found out that she had died a full hour before I arrived, all I could say, over and over was, "How can this be?" Remembering, even then, that these were the words that Mary asked the angel Gabriel when he revealed the miracle that God was going to do in her life. She didn't ask Him why, nor tell Him He couldn't, nor did she argue with Him, but only asked, "How? How can this be?"

That was what I wanted to know... "How can this be?" How can I live life without my sister? How can my sister's family live without her? How can my heart ever not be broken? How can I ever stop feeling alone?! How?!

But, He has been faithful every step of the way... He did not expect me to recover quickly, though it seemed like everyone else did... He did not expect me to pull myself together because life goes on........ His process of healing and recovery has been gentle, with an order to it, and a timeliness..... even when others wanted to rush me along, He never did.... so it has taken me this full 6 years to come this far.... I couldn't do it any faster....and some healing is still yet to come.....

I still don't have a lot of answers to my questions, but I do know this, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," and that is how.......