Learning to Love.....

         Today, my bible study, Becoming a Titus 2 Woman, by Martha Peace, talked about helping a younger mother to learn how to have loving thoughts towards her children. I remember, thinking back to my younger days as a mother, how hard this was for me.

         This wasn't my natural inclination at all. I wasn't naturally loving towards anyone, really, not even myself... especially myself... Before I was a Christian, I was a very legalistic, harsh woman and I tended to get frustrated very quickly with anyone who didn't toe the line .... MY line...  Thankfully, after I was saved, the Lord did help me to slowly, over time, learn how to think loving thoughts towards my family, but still, to this day, I struggle at times to do this. I felt like today's lesson was a good reminder.

         I remember, many years ago, shortly after I became a stay-at-home mom, I read a book called, A Woman After God's Own Heart, by Elizabeth George, and though I don't recall the details of her book, I remember becoming convicted with this very idea of thinking loving thoughts toward my family. I realized that my heart wasn't focused on my family, but on myself. I was convicted. I prayed and asked the Lord to change this in me, and by His grace, this has changed. He has given me a soft, tender heart and I have learned how to compassionately love my children and to guide them into adulthood.

     For me, it started at such a basic level....  recognizing my position as a mother in the family and learning to accept certain aspects of that position that I didn't necessarily enjoy at the time. Learning how to be loving and patient, even with a lack of sleep, which was common... and learning how to love my children above "things," especially when they accidentally broke MY things..

       I remember how wildly at times I just wanted to get away from them all.... I ranted and raved about needing a break from them...I would break down at times and lose my temper with them because I had just had TOO much!

       At some point in the process, though, I saw that even needing time away from my kids was wrong, at least for me. I saw a distinction between needing time FOR me, and needing time AWAY from them. It wasn't THEIR fault that I needed time to renew and refresh ME.

       Even though, the actions of getting time for myself looked the same as getting time away from them, the attitude in my heart was changed. I recognized that because I needed time FOR me to be emotionally healthy for my family, I had to find ways to do that, BEFORE it became such an issue that I was desperate to get away from them. That desperation is a sign of neglecting what is good for me. Blaming them, in my heart or verbally out loud, only hurt my relationship with them. It hurt my attitude towards them, and it hurt their feelings when they heard that message come through.

        No, I didn't learn this quickly or perfectly. I seem to be the type who has to make a LOT of mistakes before I finally learn the correct way of things, so my older children, in particular, have had to bear the brunt of this. My middle children have had the fullest benefit, while my younger children are getting some benefit, but not fully, because I have had health issues that have made me less attentive to them. I am not perfect and my flesh wars against me, but I am still learning how to have loving thoughts towards my family. I still learn from watching mothers much younger than me who seem to have a more natural loving attitude. I still have to hear the Holy Spirit who admonishes me when I am falling into old habits.

       The one benefit that I have noticed for me in this is that I almost never, ever feel like I need to get away from my kids, and it has been a long time since I felt that desperation that used to be a common emotion for me.

     My kids have been patient with me, too. They have learned, in the process, some bad things, of course, from my mistakes, which makes me sad, but they have also learned a lot about extending grace to others, as they have forgiven me as I sought their forgiveness. We have compassion for each other because they know just how flawed they are, and they know I am just as flawed. They also  know that I won't deny my flaws or excuse them. I try to be as fair to them in situations as possible, and I try to always speak the truth to them, so that they know they can truly trust me. We have mutual respect for each other, and we know how to give each other space.

     It is hard. It has been overwhelming at times... but, I am thankful the Lord changed my heart.