When a Family is in a Wedding... Part 2

For the first part of this story, be sure to check out  my previous blog: When a Family is in a Wedding..... Part 1

Most of the kids slept well, having spent the last of their energy splashing in a pool. Even I was able to go to sleep a little earlier than usual, however in the middle of the night, Sarah, who had been recovering from a cold earlier in the week began the "coughing phase" in the middle of the night.... poor girl! She was coughing pretty hard for awhile. I got out my bottle of peppermint oil, and the trick of smelling it seemed to help. Neither of us slept very well after that point, but we had to get up very early. I was able to get up and dressed for breakfast, and told the kids to wear the clothes they had traveled in the day before. (With all the planning and packing, I didn't think about needing an outfit to go out of our room for breakfast!)

A little bleary-eyed, we all traipsed down to the restaurant area and had our free complimentary breakfast... the kids were particularly excited to see sugar-coated cereal available, but I made all of them also have some scrambled eggs and protein as well. I asked Tony to call the older boys and to tell them to come down to eat, because I knew they'd think of skipping and today was NOT a day to skip breakfast. Concerned about keeping my own blood sugar level stable, when we left the day before, I made my green smoothie as usual, but then made a second one that was not foamy (left out the gelatin capsule) so it would fit in my thermos.... I carried the thermos down to the restaurant with me, and drank this while also eating eggs and bacon, so I probably had more protein than necessary, but I will say, it carried me through most of the rest of the day.

The view of the back of Sarah's hair when I finished it.

The one concern about taking the time to eat breakfast was that I knew I was going to be pushing it to get hair done before the wedding.... As soon as we got back into the room, I made sure to get my own hair done so I wouldn't have to rush last minute to take care of myself.

I, then, set up our "hair area" so I could quickly work on each of the girls' hair. I will say, working on hair in drama helped with this immensely. I only had one "hair rehearsal" earlier in the week, and knew from that that I really needed 2 hours, but really only had about 1 1/2 hours available, plus I knew I needed to make some changes from what I had done before. Thankfully, my 4yr. old's hair was pretty easy, just a matter of some sponge curlers, so got that set right away.... then, spent quite a bit of time curling Bethany's hair which refuses to be coaxed into a curl. Even with hair product and a curling iron, her curls still managed to start slipping out even before the wedding. I finished up with Sarah's hair, which in some ways was very easy, but I had to make the most changes with hers, and there was still a lot of curling.

Aren't they pretty? If only my foot were just a little longer....

All three ended up very lovely, however, I now had 10 minutes max to get myself dressed and ready to go... Oh, this scenario is all too familiar. I managed to get dressed and get my make up on very quickly, but found out immediately that my SHOES, which were a half size too long.... were really, really too long when I put my hose on... I couldn't walk in them!!!! I kept stepping out of them!!! I had to pick them up and run down the hallway to where the van was parked. This was not good, but no time left to find a solution! 




As I finally got into the van (did I mention it was raining?) and Tony started the 20 minute drive to the church, I began to receive texts from each of my sons, and my son, Nathan, the groom, actually called and asked me where I was....

"Mom, where are you....?"

"We are just now leaving the motel...."

"Mom, the line up is in 5 minutes!!!"

"Nate, did I ever tell you that I was late to my own wedding...." <laughing a little here...pathetic attempt to lighten the moment.....though, it is true, I really was late..... >

"Mom! This isn't your wedding!!! This is mine!"

"Well, I can't change where we are or make us get there any faster. It will be ok. Delays happen all the time, and this will just be a short delay."

"Mom! You were supposed to be here!"

<Sigh> This was really the only time I felt emotional until much later.... I knew that in the end, my delay wouldn't matter much at all, but a momma can feel her child's anxiety as if it is in her very own soul, and I could feel his. It was definitely not my goal to stress out my son on his wedding day!!!!

Perhaps I should've ironed?

When we got there, the kids and I (after removing my shoes again) ran to the back rooms, and we helped the girls change into their  dresses. Matt already had his suit on, and only needed his bow tie and jacket. Grabbing the pillows and baskets, the kids got into the line up and then I shuffled my way to the front of the lineup, yep.... in first position... I had to start off the whole thing... LOL... Thankfully, I could do the "stutter step" -- the take a step, pause, take a step, pause-- that is often done for wedding processions.... in fact, it was easier to walk in my shoes if I just did that all the time! LOL.... At the last minute, I stuffed some paper towels in my shoes so they were less likely to fall right off my feet as I went down the aisle. Caleb, my 15yo son, was my escort, and we thankfully never had any trouble with the "stutter step." We agreed that his Civil Air Patrol marching drills and my marching band training had come in handy.

The tricky part came when I got to the step to the altar area. I had to wait for Maria's mom, and then we both were to go up the step... the night before, with my regular shoes, I caught my sandal on a piece of carpeting on this step and tripped on it and flipped the carpet up! Thankfully, I didn't actually fall and hurt myself... LOL! Bounding up the step in these shoes was at least as tricky, even if I didn't trip this time!

Notice that as I am lighting mine, the other candle is already lit...

Of course, I attempted to look suave and graceful as  I carefully walked up to the candles that Maria's mother and I were to light. I was surprised to see lighters there, instead of little candles with long wicks... OK...I can do this, right? Well, someone can operate that lighter, I am quite sure, but I was not that person! I could not figure out how to start it at all.... childproofed, I'm sure.... and in my case, mom-proofed! At the time, all I could think about is how everyone was stressing the night before at the rehearsal that we were supposed to light our candles AT THE SAME TIME....I almost felt a bit of panic go through me! Once again, I am messing up the timing here......but, then, I started giggling a little, and Maria's mom shared with me her lighter, as she waited patiently, so I could do my job.

Oh, what a confidence building moment all of this was..... NOT! LOL! But, I had a good chuckle over it and managed to get down the step to my chair without tripping or falling, so in my mind, that was SUCCESS!

End of Part 2

To read Part 3, go to When a Family is in a Wedding .... Part 3


Under His Wing.......

When a Family is in a Wedding...... Part 1

Well, it has been several weeks since I was last able to write a blog. I have had a lot going on... namely my son's wedding! It has been an exciting time of planning, sewing, preparing, and traveling.... We had a lot to get done before the trip. Due to finances, we haven't been able to make any trips in the last few years... our younger kids didn't really know what a motel was as they had never seen one before... We wanted to extend our time in Evansville to help this be a "mini-vacation" as well as the fun time of going down for the wedding.
  

Preparations......

First try on the girls' hair....

Bethany likes her dress too!

Abi was excited to try on her "princess dress" after I made the sash...

The preparation itself was quite an undertaking.... I had three girls who seemed to want to pack every favorite dress they owned, as they thought of all the useful reasons they could wear them... and of course, this meant shoes, jewelry... you know.... accessories... and, then, I had a 9yo little boy who came in with a couple clothing items which he threw into his suitcase and pronounced that he was done. When I explained that he needed underwear for each day, plus one extra pair, and different outfits for each day, plus an extra outfit, he threw a tantrum and cried for over 20 minutes as he argued, "I don't need a lot of clothes, Mom! I can wear the same underwear everyday. I do it all the time!"

Sarah's hair before the wedding......

Matthew tries on his new bow tie with his suit.

In the meantime, I still had to pack for myself, as well, and I hoped that the older boys were not taking Matthew's approach. I made a list for each day for what each of the younger children had planned to wear and lists of accessories, bathing suits, etc. It was quite a job getting everyone packed, and I can't imagine I'd ever gotten it done if I had to pack for my husband and older boys, too!

The ringbearer's pillow I made for Sarah to carry.....

The ringbearer's pillow I made for Matthew to carry.....

 

Crocheted two of these and we lined the flowergirl baskets with them.... then afterwards, I gave these to my son and daughter-in-law to keep for their home.

The trip down to Evansville went extremely smoothly. I knew we had many friends praying for our time together, and for the most part, travel went very well. The kids were SO excited about the motel rooms.... "Mom, we have a microwave!" " Mom, there is a refrigerator here... and a TV!" and "Mom, this is our room?! We get to LIVE here?!?" LOL! Then you should've heard them chattering when they saw the swimming pool!!! :-)

We are all ready to go!

Tony's parents came from North Carolina, and his aunt and uncle had driven from Nebraska, so they were visiting by the pool, and thankfully, we got a little time to visit with them then. That evening was the rehearsal, then we had to head to Walmart to pick up some more last minute things and then get back to the motel because the kids, really, really, really wanted to swim and their cousins were there waiting for them! That evening, I was very tired, but enjoyed watching my kids and their cousins splashing away in the pool. They all slept well that night. Soon it would be..... the Wedding Day!

End of Part 1.... To read part 2 go to : When a Family is in a Wedding... Part 2

Under His Wing......

"Whoever welcomes this little child in my name......"

          It happened again today.... it happens more frequently than you might think..... I met a young mother at church today.... She had an adorable little baby boy that she and her husband took turns holding who entertained those of us sitting behind them.... Afterwards, her husband brought in their toddler daughter as well.... I like to encourage young moms whenever I can, so I leaned over the seats a little and said, "Your children are beautiful!" This opened up a bit of discussion, and at some point, I made a comment that I had 8 children. She grabbed my arm and said, "You've had 8!?" This launched immediately into a discussion about how this young mother wanted to have more children, but because they had one boy and one girl, her spouse didn't want to have anymore....

           Now, before I say more, let me say, this happens to me all the time... .once someone knows that I've had more than the average 1.2 number of children, one of two things happen.... either they spend the next 20 minutes explaining to me why they could never handle having more children..... or they spend that time telling me about how much they want another child, but their spouse (usually the husband, but not always) won't let them have anymore....

           As I have engaged in so many of these conversations, I have learned to point out that "working on" their spouse will not work as much as prayer.... I point to the fact that what is needed is a "heart-change" that can only come by the Holy Spirit. "Pray," I say, "for him to come to realize the heart of God towards children." Often, the young mom is wanting just "one more" child that the husband is holding out on, but when I talk about this heart-change, I am expanding on that desire for one more....

           One of the most difficult things for men to understand, from what I have seen in these situations is that they are not really the "providers" for their children. I mean, God did design men to provide for their families, yes. But, ultimately, it is the Lord who is the Provider for any child He sends... .and He is faithful to show this. Many men do not realize what a lack of faith can be shown simply by saying, "We can't afford another child." At least, to me, that would be like saying that God can't afford another child. But, the economic realities do make it hard, and I wouldn't tell someone who had no faith that they should keep having children. I just won't tell anyone to permanently stop having children...... because circumstances change all the time.....

           We often found that after having a child, the Lord would bless us profusely. I can't tell you how many large raises, gifts from people, even vehicles given to us came right after having a child. Even when we had our 8th child, and 9 months later, my husband lost his job.... we saw, for 2 years, how the Lord provided for us again and again... and no, we never did use government assistance... not that we thought there was anything wrong with that, but every time we thought we would need it, the Lord provided money, food, or clothing, a temp job, etc. just in time, so we always felt we needed to wait. We never did sign up for any benefits of any kind at all, and amazingly never had any medical situations in that period of time (though just before and just after had HUGE bills that insurance covered.....) He took care of us through the entire time, and grew our faith and the faith of our children, but it was not easy, nor for the faint of heart.

            What is the heart of God towards children? Well, they are the most precious of all treasure.... the only treasure allowed from this world into Eternity! I realized at one point that we can never overpopulate Heaven. The things we worry about here in this fallen world are not important in the grand scheme of Eternity... but children ARE that important!  If we could really grasp what the precious souls of children really mean to our Heavenly Father, it would be much harder to ever say, "I don't want anymore children."

           What we really don't want, when we don't have His perspective, is the hard work that comes with that responsibility. Now, I am not talking about men and women who want to have children and can't. Nor am I talking about moms and dads who have children, but can't have more.... but, there are those who don't really grasp how much of an influence and power they can be, simply by raising children who will then have influence and power in their own parts of the world. If this influence and power includes faith in Jesus Christ, it can have a huge impact!

           I remember once, not too long after I was saved,  when the Lord showed me this "picture" in my head of a pyramid made of people... at the top were my husband and myself, and then children, and grand children, great-grandchildren, etc. and I began to see the influence my own confession of faith could have on changing a part of the world in the future. At that time, I had 4 children and thought maybe the Lord wanted us to have 5 or 6. I never suspected we'd eventually have 8!  Imagine that if each "progeny" had an average of four children, then that would mean 32 grandchildren, 128 great-grandchildren, and 512 great-great-grandchildren! If each one actually did pass down their faith as well (yes, I know some may not... but just theoretically....) then this could have a huge impact in the future on this world. Read about Jonathan Edwards or Susannah Wesley to see how true this was for their families.

         Do I always have my heart in line with the Lord's in regards to children? No. I do not... I am like anyone and I get tired and focused on other things...all of my pregnancies were hard for me and for those around me..... and I am not the most attentive mother in the world. I have to ask Him for the right attitude, sometimes daily.

         It is natural and normal to want more free time and less financial strain.... I listen to others talk about vacations, new cars, and remodeling projects in their homes and I feel a little like I am missing out on something.... but then, my 4yo daughter, the 8th child, comes along and talks to me about little roly-poly buggies in the ground and how they don't bite and all you have to do is pick them up and put them on your hand (as I listen in total shock... all 7 siblings before her were terrified of any kind of insect at her age...) and I am amazed at how special, individual and precious this child is... and I really wouldn't trade her for all the vacations, new cars, and remodeling projects in the world.

          I'll admit, most of the time when I see a family with fewer children, I wonder if they realize some of what they are missing out on... .but I recognize that it is for the Lord to determine how each family is to be. But I can't help but wonder if they know what it is like to see a teenage son playing Frisbee with his 9yo little brother, or watching a 12yo daughter teaching her 7yo sister to cook and her 4yo sister to break eggs into a bowl... or to see a 23yo son come home with treats to share with his younger siblings... or an 18yo boy who asks if he could do some read alouds with his younger siblings. Or the joy that the little ones have when their 21yo brother who lives far away comes home for a visit.

           Well, maybe they just can't know.... but I am very blessed to have that insight. So, I keep praying that the Lord will help me continue to have my heart in line with His for children, and that I may find ways to encourage young moms and pray for the impact the Lord may have through our family.

"Then he said to them, “Whoever welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For it is the one who is least 

among you all who is the greatest.”Luke 9:48

A Normal Day.....

          Today went better in some ways... and worse in other ways... than I expected.... Today was the day... the 4th anniversary of my sister's death.... Besides the fact that I am the type of individual who is deeply affected by anniversary dates, because of the nature of my sister's illness and death, it isn't just one date. It was long and drawn out over months, and the entire "season" of the anniversary affects not only me, but other members of my family as well.

          I was going to try to push myself , this year, to have a fun day with my kids.... something that is often harder for me to do than it should be anyway. My mind is always on work that needs to be done.... It was my plan to go to the park and also get some shopping done... I didn't feel like I could manage staying home and having a normal day.

           However, I woke up feeling very sore from the yardwork I did yesterday... I was moving very slowly this morning, and was trying to get my thoughts organized and realized it was going to be a rainy day.... Sarah was invited last minute to go to a birthday party, so that also made things more difficult. She also wanted to go shopping with us. So, as I tried to plan my day, I figured, I'd just take the little ones grocery shopping, and then play games with them.... We got lunch made and I was trying to finalize my meal plan for the week and make a grocery list.....

            The kids kept asking when we would go, but my brain just wasn't working that fast and I was feeling a little overwhelmed with the task. I was also trying to straighten up the kitchen, and asked the kids to do the same for the dining room and living room. I got the idea (thank goodness) to make supper then, instead of later since I knew I'd be tired, so I took some time as I made a nice lasagna with homemade ricotta cheese.

              Sarah's ride came and she left, but shortly after, we discovered our water line had air in it and was spitting and spewing dark brown water from our pipes... not sure why this happens, but every now and then, it does. This was the longest time we ever had just air and no water at all, though... the toilet made a horrendous sound for over 20 minutes and I called Tony to see what we should do about it. He called the water company, and they would be coming by, so we had to wait and not leave.... I couldn't do laundry, which I was preparing to do because the washer was now filled with brown water.... After awhile, the water started flowing again, though brown, then yellow in color.... the water guy came and I told him what we experienced and he said they were looking for a leak and didn't know why this was happening, but that they were working on it. The whole time, the kids kept asking me when we were going to leave, but I had to run all the water faucets to flush them out.

                Finally, at 4:30pm, I piled the kids into the van and we headed to Aldi... and of course, now it started pouring down rain.... I felt like the sky was reflecting my emotions, to be honest.... I wasn't really in the mood to go shopping at all, especially with my youngest three kids. Thankfully, they were pretty well-behaved, for the most part, but it is never easy to get through the check-out with them. Today, they each had money that they earned from working in the yard yesterday, so they wanted to buy candy.... one almost had a meltdown because the candy she wanted was tucked behind the other candy and it took a minute for me to find it. Phew! Then, while I loaded all the groceries into the many cloth tote bags that I had brought with me, the three of them kept running about even though I told them they MUST sit down.... When we took the groceries to the van it was raining even harder than before...my muscles strained as I lifted each bag of groceries myself and I told the kids to get in the van and buckle up... of course, one had to tease and two had to scream before they complied.

                 Driving home, I was thinking about how I didn't feel like I could handle having a "normal" day with this anniversary... and it wasn't really normal either... ha, ha...... it was pretty crazy.... but I sensed Jesus telling me that He walked through it with me .... Yeah, it did not really distract me from my grief...... I thought about my sister a lot today.....  but He was there with me.... and yes, it got crazy and I cried a little.... but He was right there.... I had tried to make plans to keep my heart from hurting too much, but I couldn't really protect myself that way. He knew that walking out a crazy, difficult day was best for me, even though it would not distract me from the deeper pain, but it instead would help me to rely a little more on Him.

                And, maybe, in a way.... that is as close as I can get to having a "normal" day for this anniversary.


Under His Wing.......

A Savior Who Understands Me

       

           Have you ever thought about the fact that Joseph, Jesus' earthly father, was not at the Crucifixion? Most everything I've ever heard or read has stated that Joseph died sometime before Jesus began his ministry. He is not mentioned, other than as Jesus' father in the Bible after Jesus' begins teaching and preaching. Did you ever think about what that means? It means Jesus didn't heal him. It means Jesus didn't raise him from the dead.

          I don't know much about church history or theology, and I am not going to take the time right this minute to try to find out what has been said about Joseph, but I don't think the fact that he probably died before Jesus' ministry began means that Jesus couldn't heal him or raise him up. I know it had not yet come for Jesus to start His ministry, but He was still fully God and fully man. He seemed to have some awareness of who He was when he was 12 years old, and Joseph was still around then. I wonder what kind of pain it caused Him to lay down His ability to breathe life into Joseph with a simple spoken word... that is all it would've taken....

                So, I was thinking about what that means..... that He didn't raise him or heal him because it wasn't the will of the Father at that time. Jesus only did the will of His Heavenly Father. Because Jesus knew what was to come, then death itself may not have been that big of a deal, but I think one reason for this experience was maybe so Jesus could know what that feels like as a human being..... to have someone you love die (maybe even suffer beforehand) and to grieve the absence afterward...... so He could know what it feels like to us when we miss someone we love. So He could fully understand the "sting of death" before accepting what was coming for Himself. 

I think that is why He wept with Martha and Mary, even though He knew He was going to raise Lazarus... He understood their broken hearts and the very real pain that comes with grief... He may have cried for Lazarus' suffering, but I really think He wept for the grieving.... see how He was deeply moved... it was when He saw the weeping of those with Mary.

³³ When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 

³⁴ “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

³⁵ Jesus wept.

³⁶ Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

³⁷ But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”  John 11:33-37

          What does this mean for me? Right now, I am at a point where I feel like I am supposed to be finished with grieving my sister's death... meaning that I feel like it is expected of me..... it has been four years... I know I will see her again one day in Heaven... I look forward to it and I am aware of the hope that lies within me... I am thankful for the 40 years I had with her...... BUT, I still long for just ONE more hug or conversation... I can't even begin to tell you how hard it is for me to believe it has already been four years! How can that be? My heart is still heavy with her absence...

           I know that some will understand the pain, but they have dealt with loss differently from me, and will assume I should do the same... others have not yet lost someone so close.... even I have been through other losses, but never had them rock my world in quite the way this one did, so I can understand why it is different for others.... some are not familiar at all with loss yet, and really can't comprehend what it is like...... so much goes into it: the dynamics of the relationship, the personality and temperament of the grieving person, etc.

          I feel very lonely at times in my grieving, partially because I feel like talking about it makes people think I am consumed by it, even though, I know I am not. There are just those days that are harder.... and I never know when they will hit....though there are times like this month that they hit more frequently.

          But, you see, Jesus, knows! My Jesus knows my heart and the heartbreak..... He understands the depths of my heart that others cannot. I love my Jesus because He understands me so well and He loves me even though, I cannot always do things the way I should. What a comfort to know that He gets it!

           And one of the best things He does for me is He sends those occasional, few friends who also get it... who let me be me... who let me be sad and yet, encourage me and remind me that I am loved. Whether they realize it or not, they are allowing Jesus to work through them and He is loving me through their kindness. This is the power of Christ in my life and in theirs. 

I think it is one of the greatest gifts of all... to have a Savior who understands me! 

Under His Wing.....

Waiting in the Dark.....

        

          Feeling extraordinarily down and depressed tonight due to a variety of circumstances, but using it to reflect on how the disciples must've felt the night before the third day... What was it like to celebrate that particular Shabbat? Things can always seem so dark and hopeless in the night... but that next morning changed everything! There was a time of waiting for His Glory to be revealed, and they didn't really even understand what they were waiting for....

         What if they had known what they were waiting for?!? What if they had understood all that He had been telling them repeatedly? It wasn't kept a secret from them. Jesus explained what MUST happen.... He told them! Yet, they really didn't understand what they were waiting for.... not really....

          I was thinking that for them to fully recognize how wonderful the
Good News really is, they really needed to be plunged into the darkness so they could fully understand the hopelessness of this world without Christ.... and then when His Glory was revealed through His Resurrection, they experienced the full joy of the reality of His Eternal LIFE! Perhaps this is, in part, what compelled them to suffer and die for their faith in the years to come!

         So, I am thankful that when I am feeling down and depressed about temporal stuff... things that will pass away and not even matter in a few years.... I am thankful that I have learned to expect that in some way, His Glory will be revealed in my circumstance... and blessed am I for what I do understand....... as well as what I don't.


Under His Wing......

Nerf Guns and Princess Hair....

     

My daughter, Sarah, in the center with her friends: Angela, on the left and Emma, on the right

 
           For eleven years... I was the mom of only boys... four boys... I kept track of their baseball mitts and golf clubs and bought them cleats and baseball pants and soccer balls... I marveled at their inability to simply walk into a room and sit down... it seemed like everyone was always tumbling into the space and sliding into "home." I could be rather disgusted at times with their "body noises" that they seemed to exhibit at the worst times... and they were always competing at something....

          There were lots of weapons at my house.... light sabers, Nerf guns, and plastic swords.... and more Legos than could ever be counted! I remember once being upset that my boys and their friends weren't really bonding much at my son's birthday party.... just playing video games.... until I sat there and really watched them and began to realize that they WERE bonding! It just looked different from what I would've expected....They were so easy to entertain... just hand them a ball and they were preoccupied for hours!

          Through all the years of having just boys, I really did enjoy the simplicity of raising these young men, and I took it to heart that I had a responsibility to them, but, in some ways, I felt like I got off easy because I knew that they were going to learn many things from their father about how to be a man. I thought about how I had to show them what kind of woman they would someday want to marry, and often felt like I failed miserably. But, I loved each and every boy, and loved the relationships I built with each one....

          Then, when my oldest son turned 11yo, my first daughter came into my life! I was so excited, yet terrified at the same time.... what if I couldn't be the mom she needed me to be to help her become the woman she would need to become?!?! Did I really know everything I needed to know to raise DAUGHTERS? Would my daughter and I get along?!? Yes, these are the fears that I grappled with in the first few days of her arrival. Suddenly, I felt the burden of responsibility on ME quite heavily!

         That week of contemplation about my ability and adequacy was now 12 years ago! I have now been the mother of not only sons, but also daughters for 12 years!

          Last night, we celebrated Sarah's birthday. I just marveled at her as I watched her with her friends. She is the embodiment of her middle name.... Olivia Grace which means "peaceful grace." She isn't always peaceful, as she can be quite maternal to her younger siblings, but not always in the sweetest way possible. And she doesn't always offer them grace either.... ;-)  But, I watched her last night with her friends, and I was just amazed at how well she got along with everyone.

          She planned the party pretty much on her own, as I was gone most of last week. She planned the food and the activities and she even made her own cake and decorated it. She made her own invitations and mailed them, and then worked out the transportation for everyone.

           I'll admit, sleepovers always bring up my own issues from childhood.... I struggle with anxiety about how things will go, whether we will have the right food, whether the kids will be upset that I don't do "party favors"... Will they think our house is shabby-looking, especially since I was gone all last week, getting it cleaned up was very rushed? What if no one comes? What if they come, but don't want to do what Sarah wants to do? What if some of them don't get along? What if they all feel bored? Memories from my own childhood and certain sleepovers come to mind and my own emotions are stirred into the all too familiar "rejection" pattern that I struggle with. I begin to feel like I'd rather not celebrate my daughter's birthday, than to feel all this angst again, but I shove it aside as much as possible so I can do what she needs me to do.

           When the girls came last night, before I even got in the door of the house and got my coat off, they had already grabbed some crepe paper and were beginning to decorate the house.... They decorated the entire main level... Then, they went outside for a time, but spent most of the time playing a board game, laughing and relating.  They ate tacos in a circle on the floor and laughed and related.... They ate cake and ice cream while watching a movie and later went back to their game. I was actually a little nervous to be a part of this wonderful soiree, but asked Sarah and her friends if they would like me to do their hair. Four of them agreed, and  it was so fun to listen to their chatter as I worked on their hair, making them look like princesses!

          Even when two of the girls had to leave, I was just amazed at how my daughter seemed to be so content and at ease with it all... and I realized that she didn't have all the baggage I had. As I watched it all through her eyes and not just my own, I began to see a way out of my own sense of rejection that I have been plagued with my whole life. When I watched through her eyes, I could see more clearly the truth of her relationships and how strong and self-assured she was in them. I still wonder if I can ever truly have that.

           There have been many times in my life since I became the mother of, now, three daughters (and one more son!) that I have often thought about how much they are like me... different in their own way, yet a reflection of who I might have been as a child if I had grown up with some understanding of grace in my life. I don't think it is a coincidence that God gave me the name "Grace" as one of Sarah's middle names. At the time, I thought it was simply because of His precious gift to me.... but now I see how He uses it to teach me all the time... She is so much like I might've been if I had known grace at a young age... it is like watching a better version of myself sometimes.

           Last night... all the boys were gone except for Matthew, who went to bed early.... so it was just the sound of little girls giggling and relating to each other...... only girls..... I thought about how it was with the boys years ago and how different the boys were from the girls.......  I thought about how each situation is such a joy to experience and how blessed I am to be able to experience both sides....

           I marvel at how the Lord has used my boys to teach me so many things about being a mother... and how He has used my daughters to teach me so many things about myself.


Under His Wing.....