Learning to Love.....

         Today, my bible study, Becoming a Titus 2 Woman, by Martha Peace, talked about helping a younger mother to learn how to have loving thoughts towards her children. I remember, thinking back to my younger days as a mother, how hard this was for me.

         This wasn't my natural inclination at all. I wasn't naturally loving towards anyone, really, not even myself... especially myself... Before I was a Christian, I was a very legalistic, harsh woman and I tended to get frustrated very quickly with anyone who didn't toe the line .... MY line...  Thankfully, after I was saved, the Lord did help me to slowly, over time, learn how to think loving thoughts towards my family, but still, to this day, I struggle at times to do this. I felt like today's lesson was a good reminder.

         I remember, many years ago, shortly after I became a stay-at-home mom, I read a book called, A Woman After God's Own Heart, by Elizabeth George, and though I don't recall the details of her book, I remember becoming convicted with this very idea of thinking loving thoughts toward my family. I realized that my heart wasn't focused on my family, but on myself. I was convicted. I prayed and asked the Lord to change this in me, and by His grace, this has changed. He has given me a soft, tender heart and I have learned how to compassionately love my children and to guide them into adulthood.

     For me, it started at such a basic level....  recognizing my position as a mother in the family and learning to accept certain aspects of that position that I didn't necessarily enjoy at the time. Learning how to be loving and patient, even with a lack of sleep, which was common... and learning how to love my children above "things," especially when they accidentally broke MY things..

       I remember how wildly at times I just wanted to get away from them all.... I ranted and raved about needing a break from them...I would break down at times and lose my temper with them because I had just had TOO much!

       At some point in the process, though, I saw that even needing time away from my kids was wrong, at least for me. I saw a distinction between needing time FOR me, and needing time AWAY from them. It wasn't THEIR fault that I needed time to renew and refresh ME.

       Even though, the actions of getting time for myself looked the same as getting time away from them, the attitude in my heart was changed. I recognized that because I needed time FOR me to be emotionally healthy for my family, I had to find ways to do that, BEFORE it became such an issue that I was desperate to get away from them. That desperation is a sign of neglecting what is good for me. Blaming them, in my heart or verbally out loud, only hurt my relationship with them. It hurt my attitude towards them, and it hurt their feelings when they heard that message come through.

        No, I didn't learn this quickly or perfectly. I seem to be the type who has to make a LOT of mistakes before I finally learn the correct way of things, so my older children, in particular, have had to bear the brunt of this. My middle children have had the fullest benefit, while my younger children are getting some benefit, but not fully, because I have had health issues that have made me less attentive to them. I am not perfect and my flesh wars against me, but I am still learning how to have loving thoughts towards my family. I still learn from watching mothers much younger than me who seem to have a more natural loving attitude. I still have to hear the Holy Spirit who admonishes me when I am falling into old habits.

       The one benefit that I have noticed for me in this is that I almost never, ever feel like I need to get away from my kids, and it has been a long time since I felt that desperation that used to be a common emotion for me.

     My kids have been patient with me, too. They have learned, in the process, some bad things, of course, from my mistakes, which makes me sad, but they have also learned a lot about extending grace to others, as they have forgiven me as I sought their forgiveness. We have compassion for each other because they know just how flawed they are, and they know I am just as flawed. They also  know that I won't deny my flaws or excuse them. I try to be as fair to them in situations as possible, and I try to always speak the truth to them, so that they know they can truly trust me. We have mutual respect for each other, and we know how to give each other space.

     It is hard. It has been overwhelming at times... but, I am thankful the Lord changed my heart.

Lovingkindness.....

"Do not withhold your tender mercies from me, O LORD; Let your lovingkindness and your truth  continually preserve me." Psalm 40:11

Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You,
 And Your righteousness to the upright in heart. Psalm 36:10

The Lord is kind and gentle.

He knows my tendency to beat myself up, but He never lets me get away with it for long.

In a tearful prayer time, I asked Him if He could use me and if I was doing enough... 



So, He had someone ask me for help, and I helped,  and just like that He showed me again.

He showed me He can use me (if I'm willing) even if I don't know how. He showed me I can still hear Him clearly,  especially when it is for someone else.

And, He showed me that doing what He asks, and not more or less, IS enough.

He is so kind when I am not so nice to myself,  and He is so gentle when I am way too harsh with myself.  

When I writhe under self- condemnation for my lack of consistency in spiritual discipline or the lack of motivation for charitable efforts, He pours out grace, stability,  and compassion.  And then, He pours it through me, onto others....

He is so kind and gentle to me!

I Love a Good Story!

Megan Follows as Anne Shirley of Anne of Green Gables

Finished watching the first and second movies of Anne of Green Gables with my daughters tonight. I think they are thoroughly in love with Anne and Gilbert, at least in the movies... now to get them to love the books as well.... I love Anne Shirley, and I identify with her in so many ways... I love her Anne with an E!

My sister introduced me to Anne Shirley many years ago. She first loaned me her copies of the movies, and I can't even count how many times I watched them. Eventually, the vhs tapes were worn out and no longer worked, and I had planned to buy new copies for my sister, but that never happened...

Recently, a friend loaned me her dvd's of the first two movies in the series, and I cried in all the places I have always cried with these movies. Sometimes, my girls just stopped watching the movie to watch me. At one point, when Matthew Cuthbert died in Anne's arms, I was sobbing so hard, I could barely speak.

My 7 year old said, rather unsympathetically, "Mommy, why are you crying? It isn't real."

I whispered to her, "Because I have lost my sister..."

And then, she leaned over me and hugged me, and laid her little head on my shoulder.... and, just like that, my little girl learned empathy...

And that is why I love teaching Christian literature and watching movies that move my heart. I have told my co-op students that by reading good, Christian literature, we are given the opportunity to look at a conflict or dilemma ... some kind of problem... through the eyes of the author, and it gives us a chance to problem solve with them. We get to learn from the story the author's worldview, and through this, even if we disagree with the author, we get to think about our own worldview... we have the chance to have our thoughts and emotions shaped; convictions are formed and sharpened.

Forgive my passion on this subject, but I didn't really love great literature until I started homeschooling. I loved to read when I was little, but I didn't really have much opportunity for reading classic stories except the little that was introduced in textbooks. When I began homeschooling, it occurred to me that all these classic stories should be read if they are classics... I decided I needed to RE-educate myself. I started reading one each summer, and occasionally, I would read some during the school year... plus I read a few out loud to my kids... So much was learned through that time.... History, science and morality and death, anger, grief, and misery, redemption, virtue, and integrity, survival and loneliness, man's inhumanity to man.... and the strength of the human spirit...... it was all there.... all depths of human emotion came alive in those books.

And, you can't really imagine how important it has been to me that my children.... with all their dyslexic tendencies.... LOVE the blessing of STORY.... Granted, it is harder for the older boys to sit and read now that they are adults with jobs, but in their own way, they all love STORY... whether it is listening to audiobooks, reading books off my library shelves, going to a movie together on the premier night, acting in a drama, or telling their own stories in speeches in their classes, or just processing their day with me.... they do love story...

These stories are important because they reflect the REAL STORY.... We learn the most important story where we have a HERO who rescues and saves us from a villain who truly wants to destroy us. We read God's Word each day and we memorize the verses that will be hidden in our hearts for whenever the need arises to recall them to fight temptation and to encourage hope.
Our lives will play out in our own stories, and each chapter will reveal more and more of who we are and what we are designed and ordained to be... and the Author of all things... the Giver of Life and Death has written each page of our lives....
John Eldridge says in his book, Epic: The Story God is Telling:
"What if all the great stories that have ever moved you, brought you joy or tears-- what if they are telling you something about the true Story into which you have been cast?.....For when you were born, you were born into an Epic that has already been under way for quite some time. It is a Story of beauty and intimacy and adventure, a Story of danger and loss and heroism and betrayal."
It is an amazing thought, isn't it?

Now, I am teaching my younger four children the same, and I admit, the three girls are a lot easier than any of the boys ever were. My youngest son is a hard sell at his age.... but, I have no fear... because story is always a part of our lives in one form or another... He will learn this too, and I am patient.

I love a good story! <3

Sharing Your Testimony or Sacred Storytelling....

I heard a sermon about sharing your testimony... and then,  I watched "The Holy Spirit" movie on Bethel TV again... and thought about the different ways we share our faith.

Some really do believe their faith is private and not meant to be shared except by action alone...action is good, but, it goes against scripture that commands us "to tell."

Some believe that they have to "tell" in order to be accepted by God, and they work hard to be out telling people based on that false perception, but there is nothing we can do to be accepted by God. His acceptance is a gift, and is based on the sacrifice of His Son, not what we do....

Some believe that they have to scare people into becoming Christians, and while I agree that Hell is a scary place, I wonder how well someone's faith holds up when it has been based on fear alone? I would think a lot of joy would be left out....

Extroverts share in extroverted ways, and often have an easier time sharing with strangers, but God made introverts, too, and loves their gentle disciple- making, one-on-one ways... He pulls each out of their comfort zones at times, but He uses all personalities,  all temperaments, all learning styles, and all gifts, talents, and abilities.

Most of us, I think, understand that sharing our faith comes with a little bit of trepidation because we recognize the enormity of someone's salvation. We want to be open to the leading of the Holy Spirit, but we often become so focused on our own inadequacies, that we forget it isn't our job to convert. It is His.

Mostly, we need to realize that our story comes out of our gratefulness for all that God has done, and we don't have to share our story perfectly... or even completely (it would take forever for me to share EVERY thing God has done!)

But, as we listen to the Holy Spirit and share what we have learned in an appropriate situation, God takes our inadequacy and turns it into a "word in due season." It is He who does that. We just have to step out in obedience, and risk sharing... He often doesn't give the perfect word until our mouth is willing to open and share it. At least, that has been my own personal experience.

I am thankful that sharing my story (or, really, any story ;-) ) has not been something I have struggled with much, but I know that is not the case for everyone. I can tell you, though, if you are willing to share, He can use just about anything you say. Even when I have completely blown it and said all the wrong things, God still used it to touch hearts.

And, you know, if you do mess up, and He uses it, you have a greater sense of who He is and He gets all the glory!

Just sharing..... :-) <3

All Things.....

Today was a bad day.... and not only did I feel bad, but I felt very emotional all day long... I am pretty sure I have had at least 3 or 4 good cries today.... 

It isn't that my "suffering" is so horrible... I understand that others suffer more. Even I have experienced greater pain in the past... much greater than what I deal with daily now. I just watched "God's Comfort" with Joni Eareckson Tada on www.rightnowmedia.org. If you have access to this, you will be blessed if you watch anything on that website by Joni. In "God's Comfort," Joni spoke about living her life in a wheelchair after an accident caused her to become a quadriplegic... and also about her struggle with cancer and constant chronic pain in more recent times.

I could never measure my own brand of suffering against hers, but the wonderful thing about her is that she doesn't measure hers against mine either. She says, we all suffer in some way... it is part of life..... and so we do... Listening to her speak about her pain and suffering helps me to gain perspective, yet she speaks in such a relate-able way, I can empathize with her journey. I hurt for her.... I cry with her.

Even though I hate pain and fatigue and uncontrollable emotions, I am SO thankful for the level of empathy I have gained for others through these very things. There would be a loss of depth in my life if I had not encountered pain and suffering....grief and loss........ So, when I saw this meme, I loved it.... because people do get it wrong.... telling me to DO something ... believing that I can do whatever I want to do, if I just BELIEVE enough .... that changing my THINKING will change everything....that it is ALL up to me.... It is easier to tell a person what to do than to enter into their pain with them.

But, when I despair and become discouraged... it isn't so much because of pain and suffering as it is that I am struggling in the tension of walking out what it means to be content. What it means to have His strength flow through me EVEN WHEN my pain and fatigue do not leave me.... EVEN WHEN I feel defeated and discouraged.... EVEN WHEN I feel like my health issues are controlling me and making living life the way I WANT to live seem impossible..... EVEN WHEN I CAN'T do what others want me to do or what I want to do, nor even pretend like I can.... and even when I look perfectly normal to the rest of the world, but come home completely exhausted to my family.

Sometimes, I really do have to feel the weight of it, grieve a little, and then dust myself off and move forward. Not allowing me that moment of grief actually hampers my ability to make progress. Truly trusting the Lord comes out of acknowledging a loss fully, not in denying the loss. But, I have learned to avoid those who hamper or hinder my grief process, well-intentioned as they may be..... I just remember that Jesus is where I need to take that pain.... He gets me.... 

In the show I watched, Joni said to find others who need your empathy.... and I cried and said, "Lord, I can't do anything... I am exhausted...I don't feel good...how can I serve? " And, then just at that moment, a friend of mine tagged me on Facebook for a woman who had questions regarding miscarriage, and suddenly, I was using what God had given me to help another person. He is kind and gentle like that.... Someone else would've said, "Go find a way to serve.." which isn't bad, but isn't helpful either..... but He always seems to say, "Look up, here is someone now...." 

Sorry so long... it has been a long day.... but, in the nitty gritty of life, we all need the opportunity of a long day... because these are the days that remind us of where we draw strength.... and it reminds us that He loves us and won't abandon us... and that we can count on Him and His faithfulness.... In Him we CAN be content no matter the circumstances.... "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me...."

The Power of "Story"

I hung up my laminated map... then noticed that the voyage of Nathaniel Bowditch that was traced on it was faded.... so I re-traced it... and remember the story... then I drew the voyage from a favorite book, By the Great Horn Spoon, on the map.... and then, I remembered the route of Gladys Aylward... and the Pilgrims... and Lewis and Clark.... and Esteban... The Witch of Blackbird Pond... and Mary Slessor and William Carey...

This sparked a discussion with my oldest son and my oldest daughter, my first and fifth children, as they recalled the stories that these voyages were connected with... and that led to us pouring over my library shelves, talking about various books that we have read... I am always amazed that when I read a title of a book that I have read in the past, not only do details come back to me that I would've thought I'd forgotten, but even moreso, the FEELINGS of how I felt when I read the book come back like a flood. We spent over two hours pulling books off the shelves and remembering the stories and the feelings... Someday, I'd like to be able to say that I read every book that I own, but right now, I could not say that... let's just say, I have a lot of books. ;-)

Listening to my kids talk about these stories, I thought about how passionate I feel about "story" and its impact on how we see the world.... The difference "story" has made in my life is incredible and hard to explain. It has made me who I am.

I can't say that I have been able to get all of my kids to love to read... partly because of learning challenges some have had..... but all of my kids LOVE "story." They all love what they learn from either reading "story" or hearing "story." A few have even learned from acting out "story" in plays or skits.

As I tell my Christian literature class, "story" is important to how we view the world and all truly good, classic stories will have an element of His Story... the story that our great Author is writing that we have become the characters in.... We step into the story at the precise time when He decides we should, and we do not know the next chapter until we step into it. When we read other people's stories and are confronted with their dilemmas, we have a little better understanding of the world we live in, what we believe about it, and how to cope with it.... and we are shaped, little by little, by what we read.

To me, reading and learning to love "story" is one of the most important aspects of becoming educated.... and when my kids talk about these books that I own...or relate stories from the most important Book-- THE Story.... my heart rests in knowing that they are truly becoming educated.

How Can This Be?!

It was 6 years ago.... on an early Thursday morning, that the Lord began to speak to me about my sister....even though, the last emails I had received were positive and talked of her getting better and eventually going to a rehab facility, I sensed that something wasn't right.... I began to pray and sob and cry out to the Lord.... I wrestled for three hours at least, until finally around 3 am, I was able to pray, "Thy will be done...." Peace washed over me in that moment... I fell asleep....

Six hours later, I received the phone call that my sister was not going to survive her illness... I was told that she was not doing well during the night, and they worked on stabilizing her, but it wasn't until around 3 am that she finally stabilized... I was told that there was nothing more they could do....

We drove to Chicago, and I remember being swaddled in His peace.... all the way there... I kept thanking Him....I listened to praise music in the car and worshiped Him all the way to the hospital.... I was thankful that I had prayed that prayer the night before, and wasn't forced to do it now....

The Lord walked those days so very close to me.... when I walked into that hospital and saw my sister's body, and when I was in a different hospital 3 days later delivering Abigail. He was right there with me... He never left me..... I never felt Him closer than I did during that time...

I admit that I couldn't understand why my sister died, but I didn't really feel the need to question God why.... When I first got to the hospital, and found out that she had died a full hour before I arrived, all I could say, over and over was, "How can this be?" Remembering, even then, that these were the words that Mary asked the angel Gabriel when he revealed the miracle that God was going to do in her life. She didn't ask Him why, nor tell Him He couldn't, nor did she argue with Him, but only asked, "How? How can this be?"

That was what I wanted to know... "How can this be?" How can I live life without my sister? How can my sister's family live without her? How can my heart ever not be broken? How can I ever stop feeling alone?! How?!

But, He has been faithful every step of the way... He did not expect me to recover quickly, though it seemed like everyone else did... He did not expect me to pull myself together because life goes on........ His process of healing and recovery has been gentle, with an order to it, and a timeliness..... even when others wanted to rush me along, He never did.... so it has taken me this full 6 years to come this far.... I couldn't do it any faster....and some healing is still yet to come.....

I still don't have a lot of answers to my questions, but I do know this, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," and that is how.......