A Living Sacrifice

According to Facebook, I wrote this two years ago today, June 21. Probably, it was meant to encourage a young mom... I actually don't remember writing it. I admit I'm even a little surprised that I COULD write it... It ministered to my heart today, seeming SO relevant at the moment...

There are times when I see young moms struggling with their younger children,  and always the words "living sacrifice" comes to my mind. I want to ask them if they realize that their living sacrifice is seen by God and it delights Him.

I once read that a woman asked Dwight L. Moody advice for how she could serve. His reply was something like, "Focus on evangelizing the heathen in your arms...."

It had an impact on me. It gave me vision. It is harder to keep that vision at times.

Even at church, I've experienced having someone ask me about my calling, and when I've mentioned motherhood,  received, "Of course,  but what else?"

 Oh, my... I often haven't had time for much else..... but I've learned there are seasons in a woman's life, and we aren't meant to live all of them at the same time.

I think it can be so hard in this day and age of global communication to focus on the most important ministry we are given as mothers. It doesn't mean we ignore other needs, but it does mean we can focus on the most urgent need on hand, and trust that the Lord will guide us in this and any other need He brings along.

In this day and age when there seems to be every advantage and opportunity to do more and more, it is a great discipline to do LESS..... and focus on one important task.

 We, as women, who are more likely to multi-task and manage many aspects of life, are also more inclined to compare ourselves to others and struggle with not feeling "enough."  We see snippets of other women's lives, and we see them as superheroes accomplishing so much, while we might be just trying to get our child to tie his shoes or to remember to flush the toilet.

The most sacred moments,  though,  are the ones lived out in the mundane.  The discipline of loving and nurturing and forbearance all happens in the moment by moment of sacrificial living with family.

 As we make choices,  big and small, we teach the next generation how life works. We show them whether our faith impacts our world,  or not.  We show them the meaning of relationship.... or the lack of it..... we teach them the impact of grace on our lives and what it means to forgive. ..... or we teach them how harsh this world really is...

A well-lived day in the life of a young mother and her children can teach them more theology and philosophy than years at a university. Through her, they can see that small actions, kind words,  and firm, loving discipline can make the world a better place.

Sometimes,  less is more.... and more than enough...

Healed Hearts

I just watched a movie about someone with cancer. It wasn't schmaltzy... it was very realistic in the whole process of normal life, then diagnosis, treatment, facing mortality, and walking out the reality of terminal illness... leaving loved ones behind....

I realized that a part of my heart has been healed in a way I didn't know it could be. Maybe it has been for awhile, but I didn't realize how much it was healed until tonight.

I watched this movie and cried at all the appropriate places. Memories came back as I remembered my friend, Shelly, and her walk through this process and my part in it, usually over the phone. Several parts of this process brought back to mind things that she had said and done or experienced.

I cried at all the appropriate places, but I didn't keep crying. I stopped in between... and even laughed occasionally. I noticed when it was over, I was calm. I wasn't crying. I don't mean that if you cry there is something wrong. I have experienced the deeper heartache that feels never-ending, and I have cried many deep, sorrowful tears.

But, instead, tonight, I realized that all my crying was for good reasons at the right times, but it wasn't for overwhelming grief. The kind of grief that makes you sob for an hour after the movie is over.

My heart has healed enough to stop crying when the sadness is done.... but, it is tender enough to cry at the right times... that is how I know it is healed. 💖

He is Good.

         A friend of mine was asking that age old question: Why does God let bad things happen? 

     It is hard to understand why bad things happen to good people... to HIS people... but, I don't believe that is ever part of His perfect plan... it is truly because we live in a fallen world that difficult, very hard things happen to us.

     We can't understand it well from our perspective because we see everything in a linear time frame, but when He sees our lives, He sees the beginning from the end. This was the perspective that comforted me when my sister died.

     It made no sense to me. Her children needed a mother. Her husband needed a wife... I needed a sister... I still can't see how this was His best for our family. However, before she ever lived, He saw her whole life. He knew it would be a life that lasted only 40 years and 9 months long. He saw that it was a valuable life, even if it was much shorter than some lives... and, truthfully, it was longer than other lives... she lived her WHOLE life.... not a life cut short, as we see it, but in its entirety, as He sees it. 

     He wasn't shocked or surprised when she died, like I was. He knew there was more to the story... for her, in Heaven, and for her children, her husband, and even for me.... I'm still learning how to live this life without my sister in it. I still don't like it, but He has been very good to me in the process. He doesn't do these things *to us* ... but He allows them because He sees beyond them... which we can't do.

 
    For us, it feels like life is ending, but He sees the start of something new... for those who return to Him and those of us left behind. For those of us going through financial hardship, or relational struggles, or health challenges, etc... He sees the work He is doing in us, which we can only get glimpses of.

     Before Jesus lived, when tragedy struck and many, many people, especially young children died due to illness, injury, or even at birth, and those parents had no hope to see their children again. There was no provision for it. 

     When God sent His Son to die for us, it was to make provision for this very problem... so that we can be with Him and our loved ones once again... THAT gives us HOPE. And, hope gives us comfort. He is the God of all comfort. His Son had to die to make that happen... He understands grief.

     I can only come back to this: He is good.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 

For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, 

so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 

2 Cor 1: 1-5 NIV

Remembering 9/11

This was actually written by me on September 11, 2011, reflecting on 10 years after this horrible event.... now, 6 more years have passed, and only a few more before we remember 20 years. It is hard to comprehend... I just wanted a place to record my story besides Facebook because it is harder to keep track of what I have written on Facebook. Here is my story:

*photo does not belong to me but did not have a copyright credit attached to it.... 

Remembering 9/11

    Thanks to an Applebee's gift card, Tony and I got to have supper out Saturday night. Nice to get away for a moment, and talk without kids interrupting.... we mostly talked about 10 yrs. ago, and it was sobering to realize all that had changed.

To be honest, I was a bit disconnected from the 9/11 situation... we had just started our homeschooling journey a few weeks before, our TV was disconnected from cable so we could stay a little more focused in our first month after starting school. That was the day that I learned how to reconnect it.....

 We were all sitting in our school room... I had five children then... they were 11yo, 9yo, 6yo, 3yo, all boys, and our first daughter was about 5 mons. old. The boys were working on school work when I got the first phone call. Neighbors and friends called to let me know about the first attacks, because they all knew my TV was disconnected for our start of school. I was in disbelief with each phone call telling me of one more disaster...I turned on the radio, and the kids and I listened to the distraught reporters explaining what had happened. My boys panicked at first, thinking that we were going to have bombs dropped on us... I was trying to explain it all, but I didn't really know what to tell them.

 We stopped and prayed for the people in NY... and then I decided to find out where the cable was disconnected in our icky basement. I didn't know what I was looking for, but took a flashlight down and after looking for a few moments, found the cable where Tony had disconnected it. I had to stand on my tiptoes, and there were spider webs over my head (that is a big deal, for those of you who do not know me well....) but I managed to get it hooked together.

  By this time, everything had already happened, and watching the coverage was almost like watching a movie after you had read the book. It all felt very surreal, and I couldn't really connect with the proper emotions... I didn't have the same level of shock I think I would've had if I had seen everything happen in real time. I couldn't really connect with the fact that REAL people were inside the towers when they were hit and when they fell... REAL people were on those planes! Lives of so many, inside and outside the towers were changed forever.... I honestly can understand it better now than I did back then....

 Ironically, my best memory of that day.... is actually a really funny one.... my sister was one of the last of those who called me, and we talked for a couple of hours... that wasn't really unusual for us to talk for extended periods of time..... just wasn't planned on that day... her two boys were almost 2yrs. old then. They were at the age where the two of them could gang up on her and make a mess so fast.....and because she was distracted on the phone, talking to me, she was suddenly greatly shocked to turn around and see flames coming out of her stove top! One of her boys turned on the burner, and it was covered by a burner cover, but sitting on top of that was a large economy size box of PopTarts... which was now in FLAMES! I remember her hanging up, and it was difficult to stay focused on the tragedy at hand as I wondered what was happening at my sister's house!

          Thankfully, right as she hung up with me, her phone rang again.... a friend of hers was calling her about the 9/11 attacks, and she told her to get her flour and dump it on the flames, which she did.... so all went well... when she called back to let me know what happened, I remember I couldn't stop laughing.... no one could make me laugh harder than my sister. She was a very good storyteller. So, when I think about where I was on 9/11, I usually think about laughing on the phone with my sister.....

 Anyway..... as I look back over the past 10 years, I can see a lot of big changes. A lot of things in my life have a "before" and "after"....things that I didn't even know could change in that way.....

  For me.... my personal 9/11 was my sister's death, but we all have those pivotal moments when everything we used to know so well has been replaced with a "new norm." Today, we will all think about what was and what has become... we might even wonder about the future. But, the good news is, that no matter what else changes in our lives.... our Father in Heaven is CONSTANT.... He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. When the world seems chaotic and unstable we have a Strong Tower and Refuge in our God.

                "Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,

                         For in you my soul takes refuge.

               I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings

                           until the disaster has passed.

                                I cry out to God Most High,

                      to God, who fufills his purpose for me.

                   He sends from heaven and saves me,

                   rebuking those who hotly pursue me;

                    God sends his love and his faithfulness...." Psalm 57: 1-3

Learning to Love.....

         Today, my bible study, Becoming a Titus 2 Woman, by Martha Peace, talked about helping a younger mother to learn how to have loving thoughts towards her children. I remember, thinking back to my younger days as a mother, how hard this was for me.

         This wasn't my natural inclination at all. I wasn't naturally loving towards anyone, really, not even myself... especially myself... Before I was a Christian, I was a very legalistic, harsh woman and I tended to get frustrated very quickly with anyone who didn't toe the line .... MY line...  Thankfully, after I was saved, the Lord did help me to slowly, over time, learn how to think loving thoughts towards my family, but still, to this day, I struggle at times to do this. I felt like today's lesson was a good reminder.

         I remember, many years ago, shortly after I became a stay-at-home mom, I read a book called, A Woman After God's Own Heart, by Elizabeth George, and though I don't recall the details of her book, I remember becoming convicted with this very idea of thinking loving thoughts toward my family. I realized that my heart wasn't focused on my family, but on myself. I was convicted. I prayed and asked the Lord to change this in me, and by His grace, this has changed. He has given me a soft, tender heart and I have learned how to compassionately love my children and to guide them into adulthood.

     For me, it started at such a basic level....  recognizing my position as a mother in the family and learning to accept certain aspects of that position that I didn't necessarily enjoy at the time. Learning how to be loving and patient, even with a lack of sleep, which was common... and learning how to love my children above "things," especially when they accidentally broke MY things..

       I remember how wildly at times I just wanted to get away from them all.... I ranted and raved about needing a break from them...I would break down at times and lose my temper with them because I had just had TOO much!

       At some point in the process, though, I saw that even needing time away from my kids was wrong, at least for me. I saw a distinction between needing time FOR me, and needing time AWAY from them. It wasn't THEIR fault that I needed time to renew and refresh ME.

       Even though, the actions of getting time for myself looked the same as getting time away from them, the attitude in my heart was changed. I recognized that because I needed time FOR me to be emotionally healthy for my family, I had to find ways to do that, BEFORE it became such an issue that I was desperate to get away from them. That desperation is a sign of neglecting what is good for me. Blaming them, in my heart or verbally out loud, only hurt my relationship with them. It hurt my attitude towards them, and it hurt their feelings when they heard that message come through.

        No, I didn't learn this quickly or perfectly. I seem to be the type who has to make a LOT of mistakes before I finally learn the correct way of things, so my older children, in particular, have had to bear the brunt of this. My middle children have had the fullest benefit, while my younger children are getting some benefit, but not fully, because I have had health issues that have made me less attentive to them. I am not perfect and my flesh wars against me, but I am still learning how to have loving thoughts towards my family. I still learn from watching mothers much younger than me who seem to have a more natural loving attitude. I still have to hear the Holy Spirit who admonishes me when I am falling into old habits.

       The one benefit that I have noticed for me in this is that I almost never, ever feel like I need to get away from my kids, and it has been a long time since I felt that desperation that used to be a common emotion for me.

     My kids have been patient with me, too. They have learned, in the process, some bad things, of course, from my mistakes, which makes me sad, but they have also learned a lot about extending grace to others, as they have forgiven me as I sought their forgiveness. We have compassion for each other because they know just how flawed they are, and they know I am just as flawed. They also  know that I won't deny my flaws or excuse them. I try to be as fair to them in situations as possible, and I try to always speak the truth to them, so that they know they can truly trust me. We have mutual respect for each other, and we know how to give each other space.

     It is hard. It has been overwhelming at times... but, I am thankful the Lord changed my heart.

Lovingkindness.....

"Do not withhold your tender mercies from me, O LORD; Let your lovingkindness and your truth  continually preserve me." Psalm 40:11

Oh, continue Your lovingkindness to those who know You,
 And Your righteousness to the upright in heart. Psalm 36:10

The Lord is kind and gentle.

He knows my tendency to beat myself up, but He never lets me get away with it for long.

In a tearful prayer time, I asked Him if He could use me and if I was doing enough... 



So, He had someone ask me for help, and I helped,  and just like that He showed me again.

He showed me He can use me (if I'm willing) even if I don't know how. He showed me I can still hear Him clearly,  especially when it is for someone else.

And, He showed me that doing what He asks, and not more or less, IS enough.

He is so kind when I am not so nice to myself,  and He is so gentle when I am way too harsh with myself.  

When I writhe under self- condemnation for my lack of consistency in spiritual discipline or the lack of motivation for charitable efforts, He pours out grace, stability,  and compassion.  And then, He pours it through me, onto others....

He is so kind and gentle to me!

I Love a Good Story!

Megan Follows as Anne Shirley of Anne of Green Gables

Finished watching the first and second movies of Anne of Green Gables with my daughters tonight. I think they are thoroughly in love with Anne and Gilbert, at least in the movies... now to get them to love the books as well.... I love Anne Shirley, and I identify with her in so many ways... I love her Anne with an E!

My sister introduced me to Anne Shirley many years ago. She first loaned me her copies of the movies, and I can't even count how many times I watched them. Eventually, the vhs tapes were worn out and no longer worked, and I had planned to buy new copies for my sister, but that never happened...

Recently, a friend loaned me her dvd's of the first two movies in the series, and I cried in all the places I have always cried with these movies. Sometimes, my girls just stopped watching the movie to watch me. At one point, when Matthew Cuthbert died in Anne's arms, I was sobbing so hard, I could barely speak.

My 7 year old said, rather unsympathetically, "Mommy, why are you crying? It isn't real."

I whispered to her, "Because I have lost my sister..."

And then, she leaned over me and hugged me, and laid her little head on my shoulder.... and, just like that, my little girl learned empathy...

And that is why I love teaching Christian literature and watching movies that move my heart. I have told my co-op students that by reading good, Christian literature, we are given the opportunity to look at a conflict or dilemma ... some kind of problem... through the eyes of the author, and it gives us a chance to problem solve with them. We get to learn from the story the author's worldview, and through this, even if we disagree with the author, we get to think about our own worldview... we have the chance to have our thoughts and emotions shaped; convictions are formed and sharpened.

Forgive my passion on this subject, but I didn't really love great literature until I started homeschooling. I loved to read when I was little, but I didn't really have much opportunity for reading classic stories except the little that was introduced in textbooks. When I began homeschooling, it occurred to me that all these classic stories should be read if they are classics... I decided I needed to RE-educate myself. I started reading one each summer, and occasionally, I would read some during the school year... plus I read a few out loud to my kids... So much was learned through that time.... History, science and morality and death, anger, grief, and misery, redemption, virtue, and integrity, survival and loneliness, man's inhumanity to man.... and the strength of the human spirit...... it was all there.... all depths of human emotion came alive in those books.

And, you can't really imagine how important it has been to me that my children.... with all their dyslexic tendencies.... LOVE the blessing of STORY.... Granted, it is harder for the older boys to sit and read now that they are adults with jobs, but in their own way, they all love STORY... whether it is listening to audiobooks, reading books off my library shelves, going to a movie together on the premier night, acting in a drama, or telling their own stories in speeches in their classes, or just processing their day with me.... they do love story...

These stories are important because they reflect the REAL STORY.... We learn the most important story where we have a HERO who rescues and saves us from a villain who truly wants to destroy us. We read God's Word each day and we memorize the verses that will be hidden in our hearts for whenever the need arises to recall them to fight temptation and to encourage hope.
Our lives will play out in our own stories, and each chapter will reveal more and more of who we are and what we are designed and ordained to be... and the Author of all things... the Giver of Life and Death has written each page of our lives....
John Eldridge says in his book, Epic: The Story God is Telling:
"What if all the great stories that have ever moved you, brought you joy or tears-- what if they are telling you something about the true Story into which you have been cast?.....For when you were born, you were born into an Epic that has already been under way for quite some time. It is a Story of beauty and intimacy and adventure, a Story of danger and loss and heroism and betrayal."
It is an amazing thought, isn't it?

Now, I am teaching my younger four children the same, and I admit, the three girls are a lot easier than any of the boys ever were. My youngest son is a hard sell at his age.... but, I have no fear... because story is always a part of our lives in one form or another... He will learn this too, and I am patient.

I love a good story! <3