Clanging Swords in the Dark Days

So.... living under His wing... how to do that? I've been a Christian now for almost 20yrs., and I am still trying to figure it out.... I got a little revelation tonight....

For those who have never struggled with depression, I know it is very easy to think that the people who do struggle are having a "faith crisis." There is nothing more aggravating than listening to a well-intentioned Christian (or well-intentioned secular humanist, doesn't matter what you believe, really....) who tells a person-- especially a Christian-- that she needs to simply "choose happiness" or "choose joy" in order to make her life worth living. Nothing could be farther from the truth!

There are subtle choices that we DO make that can make a difference.... what and how we choose to eat.... whether we choose to take supplements or medications that help us to cope with stressful situations better.... whether we choose (at least attempt) to get enough sleep at night..... how we choose to react to certain situations..... and even who we choose to associate with, knowing certain individuals can help us make bad choices..... these are just some of the choices we can make in order to deal with depression. None of them include "choosing happiness or joy" to make it all better.... To be honest, when a well-meaning person says such things, they can often just wound the person a little deeper.... make the healing take a little longer in coming...

Once certain biochemistry is involved, it is no longer so simple. In fact, for myself, what I have observed is that my ability to think positively is actually BROKEN. That's part of the problem. In fact, it is difficult to grab a hold of any of the spiraling thoughts that spin out of control once my biochemistry is involved. To be told that it is a simple matter of me choosing to think positive, happy thoughts.... etc. actually drives the depression deeper.... .because now, you have just shown me that I am a FAILURE, too... Oh, I know... you thought it was a matter of accountability... or maybe this idea even worked for you when you had "depression".... or what you thought was depression.... some people do have the ability to drive down their emotions so they can separate themselves from the feelings.... that isn't necessarily healthier, though.....

Anyway, today was a black day for me.... I woke up that way, and knew I would be in battle all day long.... it was reminiscent of the more difficult days I had a few years ago when depression nearly swallowed up my life. The kind of day when I can "hear the swords clanging overhead," as I say.... because there is a real spiritual warfare taking place that I become very attuned to as I struggle. I know my thoughts are sinful and wrong, but I struggle to take it all to the Lord... I am not struggling with my faith at all.... that's something that people get confused about.... I am struggling to keep dark thoughts from taking over, but I know I can trust my Lord to bring me through.... it just hurts so incredibly that I never think I will survive it.

It IS my fault in one sense... I knew this week I would hit a hormonal shift and I am very sensitive at those times... I knew that eating carbs and sugar would be very bad for me, but I ate what I wanted... and of course once my biochemistry gets messed up, I NEED the sugar, so then it is even easier to rationalize. I felt too busy or too tired to exercise, even though I know this helps to keep my blood sugar down and to keep my insulin levels from spiking (no, not diabetic, but I am insulin resistant, and learning more all the time....)

To top it all off, last week, I let myself run out of my supplements that I know are very important for keeping my emotions stable.... even the most important one.... and then when I had them refilled again, I just neglected to take them out of laziness (and most likely, my biochemistry had changed enough to make me feel a bit of an aversion to them... that happens sometimes if I've missed them....) I created the "perfect storm"!

So, there's where I screwed up my choices.... I've struggled all week, and today was just so sad.... Even as I thought about how these things are primarily at fault, I ate more sugar to feel better.... vicious cycle turns and turns..... Now, here is where the good part comes in......

It dawned on me that it is NOT the choice to "be happy or joyful" or to "think positively" that gets rid of depression...... No, it is the choice to CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD! That is the choice we have! It is HIS job to fix it....

I asked the Lord, at that moment, to help me force myself to go down and spend some time on the treadmill after supper.... I haven't walked in 5 days! As I started walking, I felt my flesh rebel with every step... my mind started to rebel as well as the emotions of the day began to intensify. I was playing praise and worship music, but the oppression seemed worse than ever in that moment, so I could barely think about what the songs were saying.....Then, I began to call on the Lord.

I said, "Jesus, I know You and others would say 'Speak truth over this..'. but I can't think straight... please help me.... I can't think of a single verse of scripture.... please help me...." As I walked, I wanted to cry.... had tears in my eyes, but my kids were there in the basement and I didn't want to have to explain, so I was trying to stay calm.... I was trying so hard to remember how.... to remember something....

After several very intense moments, I remembered my "labor verse," almost as it if was calling out from some place distant..... Of course! The only verse I could ever remember while in labor for my pregnancies.... (same reason really, just a different pain)..... Focus on the one verse: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13.

I just repeated this one verse over and over.... I closed my eyes while walking on the treadmill, just as I would when I was in labor... the only way I can focus in pain.... as each wave of emotional pain hit me, I just breathed that verse as if it were a contraction. Finally, I noticed the intensity was lessened... I noticed that I was remembering other scripture verses now and I prayed them out, and now just hearing the words of my praise & worship music helped again....

My 3yo daughter started a "sword fight" with her 20yo brother that was quite hilarious to watch as I continued to walk.... the "clanging of swords over my head" in spiritual combat had moved down into the physical realm in a comical scene that began to make me laugh! I realized at that point that I had turned a corner....

I continued to walk until I had completed 2 miles... 1 mile farther than my usual walk... and as I finished that last mile, this blog began to form in my head.... so much for wild, unfocused thoughts! :-)

Will I remember all this tomorrow if the dark days descend upon me again? Well, this is why I wrote it down... to help me remember and to process it so it makes even more clear sense to me than it did in the basement an hour ago.... but no matter what happens tomorrow, I know I can call on His Name anytime, anywhere.

So, that is one way of living Under His Wing......