Well, I usually try to write something more thought-provoking, however, tonight, I am more into a self-pity mode than anything else... trying to work myself out of it, but ugh.... sometimes it is just hard.... Yesterday, I threw my back out and I am IN PAIN... I went to the chiropractor today, so I am better than I was this morning. I told her that after I made the appointment, I wondered if I was just wimping out, but she said, "NO... you needed to be here...." I was actually joking a bit, as it would've been pretty obvious if anyone had seen me trying to get myself out of my van!
My chiropractor had to work a long time, as she said herself she had never seen me this bad before... and I have been going to her for 12 yrs. now. I don't think I've ever been like this before. The weird thing is, I didn't do anything to cause it.... just woke up this way!
When she first tried to have me get up off her table, I couldn't move... LOL... I can tell you that there is nothing more embarrassing or humbling than to be so dependent and helpless... literally flat on your back and unable to get up.... sort of like a turtle that's been turned over.... I laughed and made a joke, telling her, "It takes a lot of humor to have the right amount of humility to get through this....." LOL!
After she worked on me some more, I was finally able to sit up with great pain. I still had to walk very slow, but I could walk a little straighter and turn better to look when driving.... She told me to ice my back, so I've been sitting here, driving myself nuts with all that I need to do, but unable to do much nor really concentrate. Thankfully, I did get some housework done yesterday before throwing out my back, but there are lots of things I could be doing that I am not getting done. If I move as much as 2in. in any direction, there is quite a shot of pain! I've been through some pretty severe back pain in the past, but this takes the cake!
Anyway, God has been giving me great grace throughout these past two days, but I am afraid I am not grateful enough... it is just hard to suffer, you know... and I know that my suffering is minor compared to what many go through. It makes me think of those who truly suffer, not from a short-term condition, but from chronic agonizing pain. I hope this experience helps me to always remember to reach out to those in such pain. I hope it makes me stronger, but more compassionate.
One good thing that has come from this, I love watching my kids try to take care of me... they even fought over who got to rub my back! (Of course, that might've been because of the reward of chocolate I was offering! LOL!) But, this morning, my oldest daughter had to help me put on my socks and shoes, as I couldn't do this for myself. I thought about that time coming when I am much older and will need such assistance. I thought about what a great practice this might be for them to learn how to love and care for others. What a blessing to have such capable daughters..... and only 11, 6, and 3yo! It humbles me greatly to think of it. And, though my sons did not help with such things, they did take care of some of the housework for me and were willing to reach for things that I could not. How do people get through such pain and difficulty without family? I am a very blessed woman.... and there you see... I am working myself out of my self-pity.... :-)
Have you ever had a time in your life when you watched your children rise up and care for you? Please let me know in the comment section.... I love good stories, and I have nothing to do but to read them. :-)
Under His Wing.......
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Thirsty Hearts!
After seeing the movie, "Les Miserables," listening to the soundtrack over and over, and now reading the book, I have been reflecting a lot on how the message of God's grace comes through this classic story. On one hand, there is Javert singing his distorted view of God and justice.... believing that a man can never change, as he told Jean Valjean over and over. Why? Because he found it impossible for he, himself, to change. His heart was blocked off from God's mercy. His legalistic view of God prevented his own heart from experiencing life-giving change and that was reflected in his dealings with others, including Jean Valjean, and even in his own destiny.
On the other hand, Jean Valjean, a lowly convict, changes behavior, changes names, changes lives--his own and others-- and becomes not only a well-respected man who is loved by others, but also a man who is given to generosity and self-sacrifice. This all began with giving his heart to the Lord, because ONE person believed in him and touched his heart for God. It is such a wonderful story and gives me hope that my own heart will continue to experience life-giving change. It is so easy for me, at times, to be like Javert...focused on those things that haven't changed. I want to keep my heart open to God's mercy.
I wrote a song once for a friend (she doesn't know it was a song... she only knows of it as a poem....) The subject of the poem originally was my own heart, but it can be the heart of anyone who thirsts after the Living Water of Jesus Christ. The phrases within it are actually phrases that many of my friends spoke to me when I was going through a very difficult trial.
I sing it frequently when I am needing encouragement to remember how God is working in my heart-- what He has already changed in me, and what He IS changing in me .....
Living Water by Jennifer Mull
A desert land.... a barren place....
Cold and dark.... cracked and dry...
Thirsts for life.... thirsts for truth....
Longs for love.... hear the cry!
(repeat x1 when sung)
Come to the Well! Take a sip!
Drink in deep, Precious Daughter!
Come to the Well! You are loved!
Healing is here.... in Living Water....
In Living Water.....
A changed life! Bearing fruit....
Living fully, bold and true....
Hope and healing...
Restoration....
Living Water flows through you!
Come to the Well! Take a sip!
Drink in deep, Precious Daughter!
Come to the Well! You are loved!
Healing is here.... in Living Water....
In Living Water.....
On the other hand, Jean Valjean, a lowly convict, changes behavior, changes names, changes lives--his own and others-- and becomes not only a well-respected man who is loved by others, but also a man who is given to generosity and self-sacrifice. This all began with giving his heart to the Lord, because ONE person believed in him and touched his heart for God. It is such a wonderful story and gives me hope that my own heart will continue to experience life-giving change. It is so easy for me, at times, to be like Javert...focused on those things that haven't changed. I want to keep my heart open to God's mercy.
I wrote a song once for a friend (she doesn't know it was a song... she only knows of it as a poem....) The subject of the poem originally was my own heart, but it can be the heart of anyone who thirsts after the Living Water of Jesus Christ. The phrases within it are actually phrases that many of my friends spoke to me when I was going through a very difficult trial.
I sing it frequently when I am needing encouragement to remember how God is working in my heart-- what He has already changed in me, and what He IS changing in me .....
Living Water by Jennifer Mull
A desert land.... a barren place....
Cold and dark.... cracked and dry...
Thirsts for life.... thirsts for truth....
Longs for love.... hear the cry!
(repeat x1 when sung)
Come to the Well! Take a sip!
Drink in deep, Precious Daughter!
Come to the Well! You are loved!
Healing is here.... in Living Water....
In Living Water.....
A changed life! Bearing fruit....
Living fully, bold and true....
Hope and healing...
Restoration....
Living Water flows through you!
Come to the Well! Take a sip!
Drink in deep, Precious Daughter!
Come to the Well! You are loved!
Healing is here.... in Living Water....
In Living Water.....
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Oh, Blessed Day! :-)
Today, I got to have another one of those experiences that showed me once again that God is quite interested in me and His purposes for me.
When I got to church, I noticed immediately that the praise and worship music spoke to my heart. Every song talked about the Presence of God and/or Heaven. These were all songs that I needed to hear this morning.
"Jesus Your presence is Heaven to me...." sang one song....
"Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere...." sang another....
He loves to show me that He is paying attention to the things that weigh heaviest on my heart, and earlier in the morning, it was this very thing... thinking about Heaven.... thinking about being with Him, that I was focused on this morning. Wondering... how to have His Presence here on earth?
The sermon was on fasting and prayer, and this again was just what I needed to hear. Don't you love it when you are working through something, and then you hear information from others about the very things you are pondering. Afterwards, I felt like I had been given some direction for the coming days.
While waiting in the commons area, another church member came up and asked me how I was doing, and though I only revealed a very little at first, she responded with exactly what I needed to hear, then allowed me to share some of the burdens on my own heart. It seemed very much like a "divine appointment." When I came home, I thought about our conversation and realized that I had a great sense that I had truth revealed to me today for that which I have been struggling. There was no way she could've really known what I needed to hear... I didn't even know... but He did.....
I had a quiet afternoon, preparing lessons for my literature class that I will be teaching, and took a short nap, then got to go to see The Hobbit with my husband. We don't often go to the movie theater, but this week, had the opportunity to see two movies in a matter of a few days. I am still processing what I saw there tonight. I did enjoy the movie, but I have learned when I love a book and it is made into a movie, I must sort it out and learn how to love each medium separately.
I did like, very much, how they tied the movie to the LOTR trilogy at the beginning... I thought that part was brilliantly done. And, I think one stand-out moment later in the movie was when Bilbo realized, when he had the opportunity to kill Gollum and be rid of his threat, that in the end, mercy was a better choice. I thought about how that one decision changes the entire outcome of the full story for all Hobbits, Elves, Dwarves, and Mankind in the coming adventures.... it meant EVERYTHING.
It made me think about how we also do not realize how some of the choices we make, good or poor, will effect those things in our future that are to come. There are times now that I feel so insignificant and at times even a bit useless.... but God has a purpose for me and my choice to follow that or not affects not only me, but others as well.... even those I have never yet met. Something to think about......
Overall, a very blessed day... I pray it will carry me through a week that promises to be quite busy.... lots to do every day this week before starting our homeschooling again next week. A heart at rest can accomplish much.... so I pray I can keep mine there....
Under His Wing....
When I got to church, I noticed immediately that the praise and worship music spoke to my heart. Every song talked about the Presence of God and/or Heaven. These were all songs that I needed to hear this morning.
"Jesus Your presence is Heaven to me...." sang one song....
"Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere...." sang another....
He loves to show me that He is paying attention to the things that weigh heaviest on my heart, and earlier in the morning, it was this very thing... thinking about Heaven.... thinking about being with Him, that I was focused on this morning. Wondering... how to have His Presence here on earth?
The sermon was on fasting and prayer, and this again was just what I needed to hear. Don't you love it when you are working through something, and then you hear information from others about the very things you are pondering. Afterwards, I felt like I had been given some direction for the coming days.
While waiting in the commons area, another church member came up and asked me how I was doing, and though I only revealed a very little at first, she responded with exactly what I needed to hear, then allowed me to share some of the burdens on my own heart. It seemed very much like a "divine appointment." When I came home, I thought about our conversation and realized that I had a great sense that I had truth revealed to me today for that which I have been struggling. There was no way she could've really known what I needed to hear... I didn't even know... but He did.....
I had a quiet afternoon, preparing lessons for my literature class that I will be teaching, and took a short nap, then got to go to see The Hobbit with my husband. We don't often go to the movie theater, but this week, had the opportunity to see two movies in a matter of a few days. I am still processing what I saw there tonight. I did enjoy the movie, but I have learned when I love a book and it is made into a movie, I must sort it out and learn how to love each medium separately.
I did like, very much, how they tied the movie to the LOTR trilogy at the beginning... I thought that part was brilliantly done. And, I think one stand-out moment later in the movie was when Bilbo realized, when he had the opportunity to kill Gollum and be rid of his threat, that in the end, mercy was a better choice. I thought about how that one decision changes the entire outcome of the full story for all Hobbits, Elves, Dwarves, and Mankind in the coming adventures.... it meant EVERYTHING.
It made me think about how we also do not realize how some of the choices we make, good or poor, will effect those things in our future that are to come. There are times now that I feel so insignificant and at times even a bit useless.... but God has a purpose for me and my choice to follow that or not affects not only me, but others as well.... even those I have never yet met. Something to think about......
Overall, a very blessed day... I pray it will carry me through a week that promises to be quite busy.... lots to do every day this week before starting our homeschooling again next week. A heart at rest can accomplish much.... so I pray I can keep mine there....
Under His Wing....
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A Night at the Theater!
There are two movies I wanted to see during this Christmas Break: The Hobbit and Les Miserables. Since I started teaching Christian literature in my homeschool co-op class, I have found a rekindled love of great classic Christian literature, and we read The Hobbit the first semester. But, I still need to see that movie.... hopefully soon....
Tonight, I got to enter the dirty streets of France at the time that the entire country was trembling with Revolution. I was vaguely familiar with the story.... saw the black and white non-musical version awhile back on Netflix... but I have never seen the Broadway musical. And, I have just started reading the novel, but it is an enormous book, and I am only on the 3rd chapter of the first part. But, tonight, my husband and I had the privilege to experience the newly released motion picture of Les Miserables.
The story is one of the most moving story lines I have ever encountered. I was amazed at the depth of Christian love and grace in this movie. It is not a classic for nothing.... many people who have never read classic literature have not realized that most of these timeless classics are timeless for the very fact that within them, they hold tightly to the principle that all stories have a piece of God's story within them. Whether it is as simple as true love winning over all... or as inspiring as good triumphing over evil...or as complex as self-sacrifice redeeming the broken-hearted....... it is God's story. How much moreso, though, when the story contains Christian love, grace, and redemption overtly!
I don't want to tell the plot in this blog, but I will tell you how it affected me..... there is a character named Jean Valjean who was convicted as a criminal for stealing bread for his sister's child who was dying of starvation.... 19 long years in a horrible slave labor.... yet, when he comes free, he is given a chance that many convicts were never given.... to have his sins forgiven and a new life created in his heart! The remaining story shows how he lives out this great gift of grace in his life.... it is the most touching thing I have ever seen. He loves mankind in a Christ-like way that called out to my own heart to strive for this very thing... how to do it?!?! How to love others with sacrifice, mercy and generosity?!?! Watch and learn from Jean Valjean.
There are wonderful, inspiring scenes of God's mercy in action.... there are disgusting, horrifying scenes of man's inhumanity to man..... there are tender scenes of true love.... there are even a few comical scenes interspersed. The saddest moment, really is the moment when the Inspector who has chased Jean Valjean for years, is granted mercy, but refuses it, instead of receiving it. I couldn't help but think of how many people, in their own way do this very same thing everyday.....
I couldn't end this blog post without mentioning that the music was amazing... this musical was filmed in a way that is different than any other musical ever filmed before... they had hidden earphones that piped live piano music for the actors to sing to, with the instrumentation then added later. The result is an amazing emotional effect, as the actors themselves were affected by the music... and they had leeway to stylize the music to their own benefit. The voices of these actors were wonderful to listen to, and there were moments when just the notes of their perfectly pitched voices caused tears to roll down my face..... Truly, beautiful and timeless music.....
This was definitely a movie that I would like to own..... but I would be careful to watch it only sparingly, as I would never want to desensitize myself to the emotional impact. I want to cry with Les Miserables-- the miserable ones-- the poor...... to rejoice with the victorious.... to hurt for the hurting and lost.... to grieve for the despairing..... this movie reaches places in my heart that very few artistic endeavors ever have....
It is most definitely a movie that inspires me to remain.......
Under His Wing
Tonight, I got to enter the dirty streets of France at the time that the entire country was trembling with Revolution. I was vaguely familiar with the story.... saw the black and white non-musical version awhile back on Netflix... but I have never seen the Broadway musical. And, I have just started reading the novel, but it is an enormous book, and I am only on the 3rd chapter of the first part. But, tonight, my husband and I had the privilege to experience the newly released motion picture of Les Miserables.
The story is one of the most moving story lines I have ever encountered. I was amazed at the depth of Christian love and grace in this movie. It is not a classic for nothing.... many people who have never read classic literature have not realized that most of these timeless classics are timeless for the very fact that within them, they hold tightly to the principle that all stories have a piece of God's story within them. Whether it is as simple as true love winning over all... or as inspiring as good triumphing over evil...or as complex as self-sacrifice redeeming the broken-hearted....... it is God's story. How much moreso, though, when the story contains Christian love, grace, and redemption overtly!
I don't want to tell the plot in this blog, but I will tell you how it affected me..... there is a character named Jean Valjean who was convicted as a criminal for stealing bread for his sister's child who was dying of starvation.... 19 long years in a horrible slave labor.... yet, when he comes free, he is given a chance that many convicts were never given.... to have his sins forgiven and a new life created in his heart! The remaining story shows how he lives out this great gift of grace in his life.... it is the most touching thing I have ever seen. He loves mankind in a Christ-like way that called out to my own heart to strive for this very thing... how to do it?!?! How to love others with sacrifice, mercy and generosity?!?! Watch and learn from Jean Valjean.
There are wonderful, inspiring scenes of God's mercy in action.... there are disgusting, horrifying scenes of man's inhumanity to man..... there are tender scenes of true love.... there are even a few comical scenes interspersed. The saddest moment, really is the moment when the Inspector who has chased Jean Valjean for years, is granted mercy, but refuses it, instead of receiving it. I couldn't help but think of how many people, in their own way do this very same thing everyday.....
I couldn't end this blog post without mentioning that the music was amazing... this musical was filmed in a way that is different than any other musical ever filmed before... they had hidden earphones that piped live piano music for the actors to sing to, with the instrumentation then added later. The result is an amazing emotional effect, as the actors themselves were affected by the music... and they had leeway to stylize the music to their own benefit. The voices of these actors were wonderful to listen to, and there were moments when just the notes of their perfectly pitched voices caused tears to roll down my face..... Truly, beautiful and timeless music.....
This was definitely a movie that I would like to own..... but I would be careful to watch it only sparingly, as I would never want to desensitize myself to the emotional impact. I want to cry with Les Miserables-- the miserable ones-- the poor...... to rejoice with the victorious.... to hurt for the hurting and lost.... to grieve for the despairing..... this movie reaches places in my heart that very few artistic endeavors ever have....
It is most definitely a movie that inspires me to remain.......
Under His Wing
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
"To Shine on Those Living in Darkness..."
"Answer me quickly, LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." Psalm 143:7-8
Dark nights can bring dark thoughts. It seems that anxiety likes the nighttime better than any other time. Not much a person can do in the dark...I feel like I've been to the edge of that pit mentioned in the verse above too many times, looking down into the thick blackness that awaits at the bottom. Somehow, though, the Lord always brings me through to the morning. Even when my heart feels like it is caught up in a vice grip and the pain is intense and unceasing, somehow, He comes around me, holds me, and brings me through to see the daylight once again. I don't feel like I'm very good at focusing on Him and His Word when the dark nights come, but He has promised me that He will carry me when it is hard, and He always has. He's never failed me. I just need to remember.....He has promised..... "to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.” Luke 1:79
I can look to the morning... a new day! I can look to "new mercies!" He will always Light my path, I just have to keep looking in the Light... it is so easy to focus on the shadows and to be confused and afraid when unable to see further down the road.... so much anxiety takes hold when we try to see beyond the Light. If I can just put my trust in His unfailing love.... I know He will show me the way I should go. Trust.... oh, yes... let me lay back my head on His shoulder, while He carries me in the dark night.
When the dark nights come, He will hide me......
Under His Wing....
Dark nights can bring dark thoughts. It seems that anxiety likes the nighttime better than any other time. Not much a person can do in the dark...I feel like I've been to the edge of that pit mentioned in the verse above too many times, looking down into the thick blackness that awaits at the bottom. Somehow, though, the Lord always brings me through to the morning. Even when my heart feels like it is caught up in a vice grip and the pain is intense and unceasing, somehow, He comes around me, holds me, and brings me through to see the daylight once again. I don't feel like I'm very good at focusing on Him and His Word when the dark nights come, but He has promised me that He will carry me when it is hard, and He always has. He's never failed me. I just need to remember.....He has promised..... "to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.” Luke 1:79
I can look to the morning... a new day! I can look to "new mercies!" He will always Light my path, I just have to keep looking in the Light... it is so easy to focus on the shadows and to be confused and afraid when unable to see further down the road.... so much anxiety takes hold when we try to see beyond the Light. If I can just put my trust in His unfailing love.... I know He will show me the way I should go. Trust.... oh, yes... let me lay back my head on His shoulder, while He carries me in the dark night.
When the dark nights come, He will hide me......
Under His Wing....
Friday, December 28, 2012
Post-Christmas Musings.....
I have been quite busy lately.... dealing with Christmas.... the gift-buying, the gift-wrapping, the church functions, the food preparation, the house-cleaning for company, the regular family life stuff that also goes on in the midst of the extra Christmas features.
Overall, we had a very nice Christmas. It sort of took me by surprise. Christmas has always been a more difficult time for me... since probably about 20 years ago.... when it started getting harder to focus on the real reason for it after I first became a Christian. Christmas seemed easy when my main focus was on presents, decorations, and having fun. After becoming a Christian, I started wrestling with the fact that so much of Christmas didn't seem.... well... Christ-like.
When our boys were little, I kept trying out different traditions, but couldn't settle on most of them.Christmas was always so disappointing and the let-down was harder on me than any of the kids. Nothing seemed..... right. It has only been in the past 5-6 yrs. that we have settled on some traditions that now, no one wants to forget. My oldest kids are adamant about keeping our traditions.
Over the last 10 or so years, I've had homeschooling, pregnancies and miscarriages to deal with during the holiday seasons. Three of my miscarriages (and these were the later ones that were the hardest to deal with anyway) were all in November, which meant that those years, Christmas was mixed in with grief. The hardest part of that wasn't the grief itself, but the way everyone wants to sort of pretend that nothing happened.... For me, it was like the proverbial "elephant in the middle of the living room" scenario.
In 2008, I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and was suffering from a deep, deep depression. I got through the holiday ok, but that whole season was so difficult. I started believing the lies the Enemy told me that I was "worthless." I really began to believe that it would be better if I weren't here at all. Thankfully, I knew my baby DID need to be here, so she kept me from making any bad decisions that would've been permanent solutions to temporary problems. I wonder, though, if I'd have made it through, if I knew then that this would be the LAST Christmas I would have with my sister?!? I always think about that now at Christmas time.....
The last few Christmases were intensely difficult for me after my sister died. Shopping was difficult because I would see so many things that I would've liked to buy for my sister. Planning for family get-togethers were emotionally painful.... and just seeing her children growing up without her was so difficult. It has always come down so heavily upon me during this time of year.
This year, I honestly had the most difficult time ever in the weeks leading up to Christmas, but I am not even sure why, as I don't think I was as caught up in grief in the same way as I have been before. In some ways, it almost felt like my body was just pre-programmed to feel depressed at the sight of the Christmas season. I do have some health issues that played into it.... especially since I've not been able to sleep... or I sleep, but not at the right hours...This got even worse after the time change from daylight savings. I just can't make my body rest at night when it should. The resulting daytime fatigue definitely had a part in how I felt this Christmas season.
But, mostly, I have just felt so intensely lonely. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that there is NO human being on this earth.... including friends, including my husband and children.... NONE who can love me enough to take away the lonely ache that I carry around in my heart. I don't have a "kindred spirit" to share my heart with. I am alone. Yes, I know, I am not really alone... I am married and have 7 out of 8 children still living here at home.... I have a good supportive church family.... I have friends who do care about me. And, most of all, I have a God who sticks by me closer than a brother.
But, no longer do I have someone in my life that I can call when I am struggling with my old issues... my issues that have plagued me since childhood... no longer can I find someone who can encourage me the way my sister did. I crave encouragement, but even when others offer it, I find myself rejecting it, as if I don't deserve it. And, admittedly, sometimes it isn't good enough.... not the other person's fault, they just can't make up for what I lack.
Even so, I was quite surprised to find that when my family got together this year, I wasn't feeling emotional at all. I honestly had a good time and enjoyed everyone. I honestly didn't think about the absence of my sister as much as I have before... it really caught me off-guard. I have been wondering ever since, trying to understand what is different.
I've been reading some books and working towards healing and understanding... I am recognizing a deep truth that I really don't have anyone to go to when I am struggling, and so I must trust that going to the Lord IS enough. It feels like death, to be honest.... and I wonder if I will survive it, but then I think, if I am going to learn to die to my SELF.... then I am not really supposed to survive it anyway. I suppose the pain I feel is a good reminder of what needs to die....
In the midst of my inward-focused musing, I find myself wondering if anyone would notice if I weren't here. I know all too well that, for the most part, the world would just go on like normal. Very few would have their lives affected by my absence. It occurs to me that if this is the case, I haven't tried very hard to affect the world around me.. I wonder....again.... what I am supposed to do? What purpose or calling keeps me here? Where do I go from here?
It dawned on me this morning as I thought about these things that perhaps ... perhaps... I am slowly coming into a place of acceptance. I am thinking of the 5 stages of grief, the fifth one being acceptance. Maybe that is where I am now or where I am heading..... I realize it isn't a nice neat little package... quite messy actually... I suppose it isn't a place where I will even settle for a bit yet.... but at this point, maybe it is a place to slide into and out of.... until finally, someday.... I can just rest there.
In the meantime, for this next year, I am going to be focused on learning how to be alone and be ok. Not alone and isolated... not alone and independent or self-sufficient... but alone and ok. I want to be able to know and trust that the Lord is sufficient in His mercy and grace and everything else He offers. I want to know that when I can't lean on anyone else, He will be a steady Rock for me to lean on. I want to know this in my heart, not just in my head..... that He is Enough.
I am hoping to learn how to rest .....
Under His Wing....
Overall, we had a very nice Christmas. It sort of took me by surprise. Christmas has always been a more difficult time for me... since probably about 20 years ago.... when it started getting harder to focus on the real reason for it after I first became a Christian. Christmas seemed easy when my main focus was on presents, decorations, and having fun. After becoming a Christian, I started wrestling with the fact that so much of Christmas didn't seem.... well... Christ-like.
When our boys were little, I kept trying out different traditions, but couldn't settle on most of them.Christmas was always so disappointing and the let-down was harder on me than any of the kids. Nothing seemed..... right. It has only been in the past 5-6 yrs. that we have settled on some traditions that now, no one wants to forget. My oldest kids are adamant about keeping our traditions.
Over the last 10 or so years, I've had homeschooling, pregnancies and miscarriages to deal with during the holiday seasons. Three of my miscarriages (and these were the later ones that were the hardest to deal with anyway) were all in November, which meant that those years, Christmas was mixed in with grief. The hardest part of that wasn't the grief itself, but the way everyone wants to sort of pretend that nothing happened.... For me, it was like the proverbial "elephant in the middle of the living room" scenario.
In 2008, I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and was suffering from a deep, deep depression. I got through the holiday ok, but that whole season was so difficult. I started believing the lies the Enemy told me that I was "worthless." I really began to believe that it would be better if I weren't here at all. Thankfully, I knew my baby DID need to be here, so she kept me from making any bad decisions that would've been permanent solutions to temporary problems. I wonder, though, if I'd have made it through, if I knew then that this would be the LAST Christmas I would have with my sister?!? I always think about that now at Christmas time.....
The last few Christmases were intensely difficult for me after my sister died. Shopping was difficult because I would see so many things that I would've liked to buy for my sister. Planning for family get-togethers were emotionally painful.... and just seeing her children growing up without her was so difficult. It has always come down so heavily upon me during this time of year.
This year, I honestly had the most difficult time ever in the weeks leading up to Christmas, but I am not even sure why, as I don't think I was as caught up in grief in the same way as I have been before. In some ways, it almost felt like my body was just pre-programmed to feel depressed at the sight of the Christmas season. I do have some health issues that played into it.... especially since I've not been able to sleep... or I sleep, but not at the right hours...This got even worse after the time change from daylight savings. I just can't make my body rest at night when it should. The resulting daytime fatigue definitely had a part in how I felt this Christmas season.
But, mostly, I have just felt so intensely lonely. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that there is NO human being on this earth.... including friends, including my husband and children.... NONE who can love me enough to take away the lonely ache that I carry around in my heart. I don't have a "kindred spirit" to share my heart with. I am alone. Yes, I know, I am not really alone... I am married and have 7 out of 8 children still living here at home.... I have a good supportive church family.... I have friends who do care about me. And, most of all, I have a God who sticks by me closer than a brother.
But, no longer do I have someone in my life that I can call when I am struggling with my old issues... my issues that have plagued me since childhood... no longer can I find someone who can encourage me the way my sister did. I crave encouragement, but even when others offer it, I find myself rejecting it, as if I don't deserve it. And, admittedly, sometimes it isn't good enough.... not the other person's fault, they just can't make up for what I lack.
Even so, I was quite surprised to find that when my family got together this year, I wasn't feeling emotional at all. I honestly had a good time and enjoyed everyone. I honestly didn't think about the absence of my sister as much as I have before... it really caught me off-guard. I have been wondering ever since, trying to understand what is different.
I've been reading some books and working towards healing and understanding... I am recognizing a deep truth that I really don't have anyone to go to when I am struggling, and so I must trust that going to the Lord IS enough. It feels like death, to be honest.... and I wonder if I will survive it, but then I think, if I am going to learn to die to my SELF.... then I am not really supposed to survive it anyway. I suppose the pain I feel is a good reminder of what needs to die....
In the midst of my inward-focused musing, I find myself wondering if anyone would notice if I weren't here. I know all too well that, for the most part, the world would just go on like normal. Very few would have their lives affected by my absence. It occurs to me that if this is the case, I haven't tried very hard to affect the world around me.. I wonder....again.... what I am supposed to do? What purpose or calling keeps me here? Where do I go from here?
It dawned on me this morning as I thought about these things that perhaps ... perhaps... I am slowly coming into a place of acceptance. I am thinking of the 5 stages of grief, the fifth one being acceptance. Maybe that is where I am now or where I am heading..... I realize it isn't a nice neat little package... quite messy actually... I suppose it isn't a place where I will even settle for a bit yet.... but at this point, maybe it is a place to slide into and out of.... until finally, someday.... I can just rest there.
In the meantime, for this next year, I am going to be focused on learning how to be alone and be ok. Not alone and isolated... not alone and independent or self-sufficient... but alone and ok. I want to be able to know and trust that the Lord is sufficient in His mercy and grace and everything else He offers. I want to know that when I can't lean on anyone else, He will be a steady Rock for me to lean on. I want to know this in my heart, not just in my head..... that He is Enough.
I am hoping to learn how to rest .....
Under His Wing....
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
One of THOSE days.....
It has been one of those days... you know.... ONE... OF... THOSE... days.... I woke up not feeling very well with weird, sudden, but mild laryngitis.... kids arguing downstairs.... nothing more fun than trying to communicate with your children when you have laryngitis.... By the time I got myself downstairs, they were bickering over what to have for lunch... one daughter had at least 5 tantrums today..... maybe more... each time she said she was sorry, but it didn't keep it from happening again.... The youngest child also had a few tantrums as she is never very easy to please... LOL....
Another child lost one of her math books and cried the whole hour she was trying to find it, stomping about and slamming things around... her younger brother was crying because he can't handle it when anyone else cries... he was crying so hard he was begging me for medicine for the headache he created in himself... <head shaking> When I told him to just stop crying, he said, very dramatically, "I can't stop crying, now my head hurts... don't you want to help me? Do you want me to DIE?!?! Do you really want one of your children to DIE??!?!....<sigh>
And, of course, this elusive math book that caused so much trouble was easily found once my daughter finally asked one of her brothers... he knew immediately where it was.... down in the basement on the floor under the white table.... hmmmmm..... now, don't you think if he noticed it that specifically, then he might have thought to pick it up and bring it back to the shelf? Or at least tell his sister?
By the time the book was found, I needed a short nap. I tried to listen as my child read a story to me....all I know is that she did get through it, and I know she understood it, but I have no idea what she told me ....
When I woke up from my nap, I was trying to get motivated to move and get supper ready.... but now I had a headache... so, continuing my rest on the couch, I asked an older son to put water in a pot and cook some chicken that I was planning to use in a casserole. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there was a small flood involved..... someone slipping in water.... TWICE.... and water boiled over and extinguished the flame on the gas stove... and heat was turned off by someone worried about the water overflowing... so what I found when I got up was raw chicken sitting in water....
But before I found it, I was sitting on the couch having a full blown pity-party.... yes, there was even a point when I said to myself, "I just wish somebody cared." At that EXACT moment, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I'd like to have some company. Of course, I had to take her up on it... I was laughing so hard at myself at that point, the timing was just too comical. Thank You, God for always knowing what I needed.
So, just knowing someone was coming by motivated me to get off the couch, encourage the kids to help clean a little, did a load of laundry, and started supper (which was something quicker than the chicken casserole I had previously planned.) My friend came by and she allowed me to eat while we talked and it was nice... I actually found myself laughing to the point where I was afraid tears might spill out! It was an amazing shift of mood for me.
So, now I am still up too late and need to get back to bed, but the good news is, the laundry is done, the supper leftovers are put away and the kitchen is clean.... oh, and I already have tomorrow's chicken casserole prepared and it only needs to go into the oven tomorrow. I love how God will use His people to encourage one another in a difficult time. My friend didn't even know I was having such a bad day until after she got here. She told me that she was going to ask me about coming over last week, but never remembered to say anything to me until that last moment when she texted me at the perfect time. I said, "Well, I am pretty sure that was God, not you!" LOL! Life with Him is never dull.... love living life....
Under His Wing.....
Another child lost one of her math books and cried the whole hour she was trying to find it, stomping about and slamming things around... her younger brother was crying because he can't handle it when anyone else cries... he was crying so hard he was begging me for medicine for the headache he created in himself... <head shaking> When I told him to just stop crying, he said, very dramatically, "I can't stop crying, now my head hurts... don't you want to help me? Do you want me to DIE?!?! Do you really want one of your children to DIE??!?!....<sigh>
And, of course, this elusive math book that caused so much trouble was easily found once my daughter finally asked one of her brothers... he knew immediately where it was.... down in the basement on the floor under the white table.... hmmmmm..... now, don't you think if he noticed it that specifically, then he might have thought to pick it up and bring it back to the shelf? Or at least tell his sister?
By the time the book was found, I needed a short nap. I tried to listen as my child read a story to me....all I know is that she did get through it, and I know she understood it, but I have no idea what she told me ....
When I woke up from my nap, I was trying to get motivated to move and get supper ready.... but now I had a headache... so, continuing my rest on the couch, I asked an older son to put water in a pot and cook some chicken that I was planning to use in a casserole. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there was a small flood involved..... someone slipping in water.... TWICE.... and water boiled over and extinguished the flame on the gas stove... and heat was turned off by someone worried about the water overflowing... so what I found when I got up was raw chicken sitting in water....
But before I found it, I was sitting on the couch having a full blown pity-party.... yes, there was even a point when I said to myself, "I just wish somebody cared." At that EXACT moment, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I'd like to have some company. Of course, I had to take her up on it... I was laughing so hard at myself at that point, the timing was just too comical. Thank You, God for always knowing what I needed.
So, just knowing someone was coming by motivated me to get off the couch, encourage the kids to help clean a little, did a load of laundry, and started supper (which was something quicker than the chicken casserole I had previously planned.) My friend came by and she allowed me to eat while we talked and it was nice... I actually found myself laughing to the point where I was afraid tears might spill out! It was an amazing shift of mood for me.
So, now I am still up too late and need to get back to bed, but the good news is, the laundry is done, the supper leftovers are put away and the kitchen is clean.... oh, and I already have tomorrow's chicken casserole prepared and it only needs to go into the oven tomorrow. I love how God will use His people to encourage one another in a difficult time. My friend didn't even know I was having such a bad day until after she got here. She told me that she was going to ask me about coming over last week, but never remembered to say anything to me until that last moment when she texted me at the perfect time. I said, "Well, I am pretty sure that was God, not you!" LOL! Life with Him is never dull.... love living life....
Under His Wing.....
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