I have been quite busy lately.... dealing with Christmas.... the gift-buying, the gift-wrapping, the church functions, the food preparation, the house-cleaning for company, the regular family life stuff that also goes on in the midst of the extra Christmas features.
Overall, we had a very nice Christmas. It sort of took me by surprise. Christmas has always been a more difficult time for me... since probably about 20 years ago.... when it started getting harder to focus on the real reason for it after I first became a Christian. Christmas seemed easy when my main focus was on presents, decorations, and having fun. After becoming a Christian, I started wrestling with the fact that so much of Christmas didn't seem.... well... Christ-like.
When our boys were little, I kept trying out different traditions, but couldn't settle on most of them.Christmas was always so disappointing and the let-down was harder on me than any of the kids. Nothing seemed..... right. It has only been in the past 5-6 yrs. that we have settled on some traditions that now, no one wants to forget. My oldest kids are adamant about keeping our traditions.
Over the last 10 or so years, I've had homeschooling, pregnancies and miscarriages to deal with during the holiday seasons. Three of my miscarriages (and these were the later ones that were the hardest to deal with anyway) were all in November, which meant that those years, Christmas was mixed in with grief. The hardest part of that wasn't the grief itself, but the way everyone wants to sort of pretend that nothing happened.... For me, it was like the proverbial "elephant in the middle of the living room" scenario.
In 2008, I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and was suffering from a deep, deep depression. I got through the holiday ok, but that whole season was so difficult. I started believing the lies the Enemy told me that I was "worthless." I really began to believe that it would be better if I weren't here at all. Thankfully, I knew my baby DID need to be here, so she kept me from making any bad decisions that would've been permanent solutions to temporary problems. I wonder, though, if I'd have made it through, if I knew then that this would be the LAST Christmas I would have with my sister?!? I always think about that now at Christmas time.....
The last few Christmases were intensely difficult for me after my sister died. Shopping was difficult because I would see so many things that I would've liked to buy for my sister. Planning for family get-togethers were emotionally painful.... and just seeing her children growing up without her was so difficult. It has always come down so heavily upon me during this time of year.
This year, I honestly had the most difficult time ever in the weeks leading up to Christmas, but I am not even sure why, as I don't think I was as caught up in grief in the same way as I have been before. In some ways, it almost felt like my body was just pre-programmed to feel depressed at the sight of the Christmas season. I do have some health issues that played into it.... especially since I've not been able to sleep... or I sleep, but not at the right hours...This got even worse after the time change from daylight savings. I just can't make my body rest at night when it should. The resulting daytime fatigue definitely had a part in how I felt this Christmas season.
But, mostly, I have just felt so intensely lonely. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that there is NO human being on this earth.... including friends, including my husband and children.... NONE who can love me enough to take away the lonely ache that I carry around in my heart. I don't have a "kindred spirit" to share my heart with. I am alone. Yes, I know, I am not really alone... I am married and have 7 out of 8 children still living here at home.... I have a good supportive church family.... I have friends who do care about me. And, most of all, I have a God who sticks by me closer than a brother.
But, no longer do I have someone in my life that I can call when I am struggling with my old issues... my issues that have plagued me since childhood... no longer can I find someone who can encourage me the way my sister did. I crave encouragement, but even when others offer it, I find myself rejecting it, as if I don't deserve it. And, admittedly, sometimes it isn't good enough.... not the other person's fault, they just can't make up for what I lack.
Even so, I was quite surprised to find that when my family got together this year, I wasn't feeling emotional at all. I honestly had a good time and enjoyed everyone. I honestly didn't think about the absence of my sister as much as I have before... it really caught me off-guard. I have been wondering ever since, trying to understand what is different.
I've been reading some books and working towards healing and understanding... I am recognizing a deep truth that I really don't have anyone to go to when I am struggling, and so I must trust that going to the Lord IS enough. It feels like death, to be honest.... and I wonder if I will survive it, but then I think, if I am going to learn to die to my SELF.... then I am not really supposed to survive it anyway. I suppose the pain I feel is a good reminder of what needs to die....
In the midst of my inward-focused musing, I find myself wondering if anyone would notice if I weren't here. I know all too well that, for the most part, the world would just go on like normal. Very few would have their lives affected by my absence. It occurs to me that if this is the case, I haven't tried very hard to affect the world around me.. I wonder....again.... what I am supposed to do? What purpose or calling keeps me here? Where do I go from here?
It dawned on me this morning as I thought about these things that perhaps ... perhaps... I am slowly coming into a place of acceptance. I am thinking of the 5 stages of grief, the fifth one being acceptance. Maybe that is where I am now or where I am heading..... I realize it isn't a nice neat little package... quite messy actually... I suppose it isn't a place where I will even settle for a bit yet.... but at this point, maybe it is a place to slide into and out of.... until finally, someday.... I can just rest there.
In the meantime, for this next year, I am going to be focused on learning how to be alone and be ok. Not alone and isolated... not alone and independent or self-sufficient... but alone and ok. I want to be able to know and trust that the Lord is sufficient in His mercy and grace and everything else He offers. I want to know that when I can't lean on anyone else, He will be a steady Rock for me to lean on. I want to know this in my heart, not just in my head..... that He is Enough.
I am hoping to learn how to rest .....
Under His Wing....
Friday, December 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
One of THOSE days.....
It has been one of those days... you know.... ONE... OF... THOSE... days.... I woke up not feeling very well with weird, sudden, but mild laryngitis.... kids arguing downstairs.... nothing more fun than trying to communicate with your children when you have laryngitis.... By the time I got myself downstairs, they were bickering over what to have for lunch... one daughter had at least 5 tantrums today..... maybe more... each time she said she was sorry, but it didn't keep it from happening again.... The youngest child also had a few tantrums as she is never very easy to please... LOL....
Another child lost one of her math books and cried the whole hour she was trying to find it, stomping about and slamming things around... her younger brother was crying because he can't handle it when anyone else cries... he was crying so hard he was begging me for medicine for the headache he created in himself... <head shaking> When I told him to just stop crying, he said, very dramatically, "I can't stop crying, now my head hurts... don't you want to help me? Do you want me to DIE?!?! Do you really want one of your children to DIE??!?!....<sigh>
And, of course, this elusive math book that caused so much trouble was easily found once my daughter finally asked one of her brothers... he knew immediately where it was.... down in the basement on the floor under the white table.... hmmmmm..... now, don't you think if he noticed it that specifically, then he might have thought to pick it up and bring it back to the shelf? Or at least tell his sister?
By the time the book was found, I needed a short nap. I tried to listen as my child read a story to me....all I know is that she did get through it, and I know she understood it, but I have no idea what she told me ....
When I woke up from my nap, I was trying to get motivated to move and get supper ready.... but now I had a headache... so, continuing my rest on the couch, I asked an older son to put water in a pot and cook some chicken that I was planning to use in a casserole. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there was a small flood involved..... someone slipping in water.... TWICE.... and water boiled over and extinguished the flame on the gas stove... and heat was turned off by someone worried about the water overflowing... so what I found when I got up was raw chicken sitting in water....
But before I found it, I was sitting on the couch having a full blown pity-party.... yes, there was even a point when I said to myself, "I just wish somebody cared." At that EXACT moment, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I'd like to have some company. Of course, I had to take her up on it... I was laughing so hard at myself at that point, the timing was just too comical. Thank You, God for always knowing what I needed.
So, just knowing someone was coming by motivated me to get off the couch, encourage the kids to help clean a little, did a load of laundry, and started supper (which was something quicker than the chicken casserole I had previously planned.) My friend came by and she allowed me to eat while we talked and it was nice... I actually found myself laughing to the point where I was afraid tears might spill out! It was an amazing shift of mood for me.
So, now I am still up too late and need to get back to bed, but the good news is, the laundry is done, the supper leftovers are put away and the kitchen is clean.... oh, and I already have tomorrow's chicken casserole prepared and it only needs to go into the oven tomorrow. I love how God will use His people to encourage one another in a difficult time. My friend didn't even know I was having such a bad day until after she got here. She told me that she was going to ask me about coming over last week, but never remembered to say anything to me until that last moment when she texted me at the perfect time. I said, "Well, I am pretty sure that was God, not you!" LOL! Life with Him is never dull.... love living life....
Under His Wing.....
Another child lost one of her math books and cried the whole hour she was trying to find it, stomping about and slamming things around... her younger brother was crying because he can't handle it when anyone else cries... he was crying so hard he was begging me for medicine for the headache he created in himself... <head shaking> When I told him to just stop crying, he said, very dramatically, "I can't stop crying, now my head hurts... don't you want to help me? Do you want me to DIE?!?! Do you really want one of your children to DIE??!?!....<sigh>
And, of course, this elusive math book that caused so much trouble was easily found once my daughter finally asked one of her brothers... he knew immediately where it was.... down in the basement on the floor under the white table.... hmmmmm..... now, don't you think if he noticed it that specifically, then he might have thought to pick it up and bring it back to the shelf? Or at least tell his sister?
By the time the book was found, I needed a short nap. I tried to listen as my child read a story to me....all I know is that she did get through it, and I know she understood it, but I have no idea what she told me ....
When I woke up from my nap, I was trying to get motivated to move and get supper ready.... but now I had a headache... so, continuing my rest on the couch, I asked an older son to put water in a pot and cook some chicken that I was planning to use in a casserole. I'm not sure what happened exactly, but there was a small flood involved..... someone slipping in water.... TWICE.... and water boiled over and extinguished the flame on the gas stove... and heat was turned off by someone worried about the water overflowing... so what I found when I got up was raw chicken sitting in water....
But before I found it, I was sitting on the couch having a full blown pity-party.... yes, there was even a point when I said to myself, "I just wish somebody cared." At that EXACT moment, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if I'd like to have some company. Of course, I had to take her up on it... I was laughing so hard at myself at that point, the timing was just too comical. Thank You, God for always knowing what I needed.
So, just knowing someone was coming by motivated me to get off the couch, encourage the kids to help clean a little, did a load of laundry, and started supper (which was something quicker than the chicken casserole I had previously planned.) My friend came by and she allowed me to eat while we talked and it was nice... I actually found myself laughing to the point where I was afraid tears might spill out! It was an amazing shift of mood for me.
So, now I am still up too late and need to get back to bed, but the good news is, the laundry is done, the supper leftovers are put away and the kitchen is clean.... oh, and I already have tomorrow's chicken casserole prepared and it only needs to go into the oven tomorrow. I love how God will use His people to encourage one another in a difficult time. My friend didn't even know I was having such a bad day until after she got here. She told me that she was going to ask me about coming over last week, but never remembered to say anything to me until that last moment when she texted me at the perfect time. I said, "Well, I am pretty sure that was God, not you!" LOL! Life with Him is never dull.... love living life....
Under His Wing.....
Monday, November 26, 2012
The God of All Comfort
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
2Cor. 1:3-7
I still remember the first time I read the above passage.... well, it was the first time that I read it and really understood it.... It was in May 1995, and I was 7 weeks postpartum with my third son. His birth in April was quite traumatic for me, though we both came through the experience very well. He was born via emergency c-section for cord prolapse, and though he needed a little extra help with medication and oxygen at birth, he did very well. I had hemorrhaged and was anemic and recovering from the effects of general anesthesia, but in the end, I was ok, too, but a little emotionally scarred from the event.
The morning of my baby's birth, when I was getting ready to go into the hospital to be induced, I had a strong sense of dread that came over me and I was literally weeping before the Lord on my knees, begging Him to take my life and spare the baby's. I really had no reason to believe this was necessary, but I couldn't help this feeling I had. I was a new Christian, so I really didn't understand it at all. Eventually, I was able to cry it out enough to say, "not my will, but Thy will be done..." not really knowing what to expect... then telling myself I was just being paranoid.....I kept reassuring myself that it would all be fine.
When the doctor told me that the baby's hand was coming through first and that meant a possible c-section, all I cared about was getting an epidural, as I no longer could cope with the pain of pitocin-induced labor on top of knowing that I may have to have surgery, too. But, during the epidural, the cord prolapsed and while my baby's life was endangered, my own body also went into shock with my blood pressure dropping dangerously low.... finally, a nurse asked to check me, and found that the cord was trapped between his little hand and head.... this set off a mad rush to the OR with drama not unlike what you would see on the TV show, ER, which was very popular at that time. It felt like the walls were collapsing around me as more and more medical staff entered the room and connected things to me and made my bed tilt upside down while a nurse pushed the baby back inside me as far as possible.
But, when they took me into the OR, I know that it was just a regular operating room.... but for some reason, I have two distinct memories of the same event.... one was the actual, physical experience of being taken into that room and being moved to the surgical table with a nurse sitting on my lap, and all kinds of rushed behaviors and hushed medical staff with the gravity of the situation....
But... I also have this memory of being wheeled into a room filled with legions of angels.... I've wondered at times if I made it up or if it was medication, but I still remember that moment as if it were yesterday (instead of 17 1/2 yrs.ago) I believe it was a true event in the spiritual realm.
A peace washed over me, and I wasn't afraid to die.... even though, when they knocked me out, I wasn't sure if the Lord was going to hold me to the bargain I had made with Him that morning...I remember falling asleep in total trust.....resting in the Palm of His hand. He had filled me and wrapped me in His comfort.
Now, it was 7 weeks later, and I had a friend who was in labor for her first baby.... I had to go to the hospital with my little guy anyway, so just popped in for a moment to say hello... but while I was there, I noticed that no one was really very attentive to my friend while she was in quite a bit of pain.... Tentatively at first, as I didn't want to overstep my bounds, I started grabbing her hand and coaching her through her contractions... her husband and mother played with my baby, and I helped my friend onto a bedpan and breathed through more contractions with her and rubbed her back to help with back labor.... when it was time for the epidural, her family went to take a break and she asked me to be the one to stay with her, and I did.... I didn't leave until I knew she was comfortable and surrounded again by family... she delivered a little while later after I left ....
When I came home that day, I cried. I guess I was just amazed that I could do that.... could be there and help her like that.... it felt like such an honor and privilege to me.... I was amazed at how God helped me to use what I had experienced from Him to help her.... and then, as I thought about these things, I turned on the radio, and I immediately heard a speaker say 2 Cor. 1:3-7..... just like that..... I rushed to get my bible and looked it up and cried some more.... I read that passage over and over... THAT was what God had done.... He had comforted me, and then allowed me to use that comfort to comfort others..... It was a defining moment for me, though I didn't know that back then.......
Now, He uses this same principle with me in a new way.... He has taken all the hurt and confusion of loss and grief that I have gained in losing 5 babies to miscarriage and losing my friend, Shelly, and losing my dear sister, Melinda, and the unfounded anticipation of losing one of my sons (though, we got to keep him, it was still a hard 6 months of not knowing how things would turn out......) and many other kinds of grief that I have experienced, and He has allowed me to be a person who comforts others. It is an honor and privilege as much today as it was that day in May, 1995.
Even today, a good friend of mine went to the doctor and did not see a heartbeat on the ultrasound.... I wept for her when she told me and I hate how sad and hard it is to see someone in grief, but I am so blessed to be able to walk alongside her in the journey....as I have with many other women, many whom I have never met. The miracle of God taking a "griever" and turning her into a "comforter"....
It feels like a calling on my life, in many ways.... His work, His glory, my blessing!
Under His Wing.....
Under His Wing.....
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Clanging Swords in the Dark Days
So.... living under His wing... how to do that? I've been a Christian now for almost 20yrs., and I am still trying to figure it out.... I got a little revelation tonight....
For those who have never struggled with depression, I know it is very easy to think that the people who do struggle are having a "faith crisis." There is nothing more aggravating than listening to a well-intentioned Christian (or well-intentioned secular humanist, doesn't matter what you believe, really....) who tells a person-- especially a Christian-- that she needs to simply "choose happiness" or "choose joy" in order to make her life worth living. Nothing could be farther from the truth!
There are subtle choices that we DO make that can make a difference.... what and how we choose to eat.... whether we choose to take supplements or medications that help us to cope with stressful situations better.... whether we choose (at least attempt) to get enough sleep at night..... how we choose to react to certain situations..... and even who we choose to associate with, knowing certain individuals can help us make bad choices..... these are just some of the choices we can make in order to deal with depression. None of them include "choosing happiness or joy" to make it all better.... To be honest, when a well-meaning person says such things, they can often just wound the person a little deeper.... make the healing take a little longer in coming...
Once certain biochemistry is involved, it is no longer so simple. In fact, for myself, what I have observed is that my ability to think positively is actually BROKEN. That's part of the problem. In fact, it is difficult to grab a hold of any of the spiraling thoughts that spin out of control once my biochemistry is involved. To be told that it is a simple matter of me choosing to think positive, happy thoughts.... etc. actually drives the depression deeper.... .because now, you have just shown me that I am a FAILURE, too... Oh, I know... you thought it was a matter of accountability... or maybe this idea even worked for you when you had "depression".... or what you thought was depression.... some people do have the ability to drive down their emotions so they can separate themselves from the feelings.... that isn't necessarily healthier, though.....
Anyway, today was a black day for me.... I woke up that way, and knew I would be in battle all day long.... it was reminiscent of the more difficult days I had a few years ago when depression nearly swallowed up my life. The kind of day when I can "hear the swords clanging overhead," as I say.... because there is a real spiritual warfare taking place that I become very attuned to as I struggle. I know my thoughts are sinful and wrong, but I struggle to take it all to the Lord... I am not struggling with my faith at all.... that's something that people get confused about.... I am struggling to keep dark thoughts from taking over, but I know I can trust my Lord to bring me through.... it just hurts so incredibly that I never think I will survive it.
It IS my fault in one sense... I knew this week I would hit a hormonal shift and I am very sensitive at those times... I knew that eating carbs and sugar would be very bad for me, but I ate what I wanted... and of course once my biochemistry gets messed up, I NEED the sugar, so then it is even easier to rationalize. I felt too busy or too tired to exercise, even though I know this helps to keep my blood sugar down and to keep my insulin levels from spiking (no, not diabetic, but I am insulin resistant, and learning more all the time....)
To top it all off, last week, I let myself run out of my supplements that I know are very important for keeping my emotions stable.... even the most important one.... and then when I had them refilled again, I just neglected to take them out of laziness (and most likely, my biochemistry had changed enough to make me feel a bit of an aversion to them... that happens sometimes if I've missed them....) I created the "perfect storm"!
So, there's where I screwed up my choices.... I've struggled all week, and today was just so sad.... Even as I thought about how these things are primarily at fault, I ate more sugar to feel better.... vicious cycle turns and turns..... Now, here is where the good part comes in......
It dawned on me that it is NOT the choice to "be happy or joyful" or to "think positively" that gets rid of depression...... No, it is the choice to CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD! That is the choice we have! It is HIS job to fix it....
I asked the Lord, at that moment, to help me force myself to go down and spend some time on the treadmill after supper.... I haven't walked in 5 days! As I started walking, I felt my flesh rebel with every step... my mind started to rebel as well as the emotions of the day began to intensify. I was playing praise and worship music, but the oppression seemed worse than ever in that moment, so I could barely think about what the songs were saying.....Then, I began to call on the Lord.
I said, "Jesus, I know You and others would say 'Speak truth over this..'. but I can't think straight... please help me.... I can't think of a single verse of scripture.... please help me...." As I walked, I wanted to cry.... had tears in my eyes, but my kids were there in the basement and I didn't want to have to explain, so I was trying to stay calm.... I was trying so hard to remember how.... to remember something....
After several very intense moments, I remembered my "labor verse," almost as it if was calling out from some place distant..... Of course! The only verse I could ever remember while in labor for my pregnancies.... (same reason really, just a different pain)..... Focus on the one verse: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13.
I just repeated this one verse over and over.... I closed my eyes while walking on the treadmill, just as I would when I was in labor... the only way I can focus in pain.... as each wave of emotional pain hit me, I just breathed that verse as if it were a contraction. Finally, I noticed the intensity was lessened... I noticed that I was remembering other scripture verses now and I prayed them out, and now just hearing the words of my praise & worship music helped again....
My 3yo daughter started a "sword fight" with her 20yo brother that was quite hilarious to watch as I continued to walk.... the "clanging of swords over my head" in spiritual combat had moved down into the physical realm in a comical scene that began to make me laugh! I realized at that point that I had turned a corner....
I continued to walk until I had completed 2 miles... 1 mile farther than my usual walk... and as I finished that last mile, this blog began to form in my head.... so much for wild, unfocused thoughts! :-)
Will I remember all this tomorrow if the dark days descend upon me again? Well, this is why I wrote it down... to help me remember and to process it so it makes even more clear sense to me than it did in the basement an hour ago.... but no matter what happens tomorrow, I know I can call on His Name anytime, anywhere.
So, that is one way of living Under His Wing......
For those who have never struggled with depression, I know it is very easy to think that the people who do struggle are having a "faith crisis." There is nothing more aggravating than listening to a well-intentioned Christian (or well-intentioned secular humanist, doesn't matter what you believe, really....) who tells a person-- especially a Christian-- that she needs to simply "choose happiness" or "choose joy" in order to make her life worth living. Nothing could be farther from the truth!
There are subtle choices that we DO make that can make a difference.... what and how we choose to eat.... whether we choose to take supplements or medications that help us to cope with stressful situations better.... whether we choose (at least attempt) to get enough sleep at night..... how we choose to react to certain situations..... and even who we choose to associate with, knowing certain individuals can help us make bad choices..... these are just some of the choices we can make in order to deal with depression. None of them include "choosing happiness or joy" to make it all better.... To be honest, when a well-meaning person says such things, they can often just wound the person a little deeper.... make the healing take a little longer in coming...
Once certain biochemistry is involved, it is no longer so simple. In fact, for myself, what I have observed is that my ability to think positively is actually BROKEN. That's part of the problem. In fact, it is difficult to grab a hold of any of the spiraling thoughts that spin out of control once my biochemistry is involved. To be told that it is a simple matter of me choosing to think positive, happy thoughts.... etc. actually drives the depression deeper.... .because now, you have just shown me that I am a FAILURE, too... Oh, I know... you thought it was a matter of accountability... or maybe this idea even worked for you when you had "depression".... or what you thought was depression.... some people do have the ability to drive down their emotions so they can separate themselves from the feelings.... that isn't necessarily healthier, though.....
Anyway, today was a black day for me.... I woke up that way, and knew I would be in battle all day long.... it was reminiscent of the more difficult days I had a few years ago when depression nearly swallowed up my life. The kind of day when I can "hear the swords clanging overhead," as I say.... because there is a real spiritual warfare taking place that I become very attuned to as I struggle. I know my thoughts are sinful and wrong, but I struggle to take it all to the Lord... I am not struggling with my faith at all.... that's something that people get confused about.... I am struggling to keep dark thoughts from taking over, but I know I can trust my Lord to bring me through.... it just hurts so incredibly that I never think I will survive it.
It IS my fault in one sense... I knew this week I would hit a hormonal shift and I am very sensitive at those times... I knew that eating carbs and sugar would be very bad for me, but I ate what I wanted... and of course once my biochemistry gets messed up, I NEED the sugar, so then it is even easier to rationalize. I felt too busy or too tired to exercise, even though I know this helps to keep my blood sugar down and to keep my insulin levels from spiking (no, not diabetic, but I am insulin resistant, and learning more all the time....)
To top it all off, last week, I let myself run out of my supplements that I know are very important for keeping my emotions stable.... even the most important one.... and then when I had them refilled again, I just neglected to take them out of laziness (and most likely, my biochemistry had changed enough to make me feel a bit of an aversion to them... that happens sometimes if I've missed them....) I created the "perfect storm"!
So, there's where I screwed up my choices.... I've struggled all week, and today was just so sad.... Even as I thought about how these things are primarily at fault, I ate more sugar to feel better.... vicious cycle turns and turns..... Now, here is where the good part comes in......
It dawned on me that it is NOT the choice to "be happy or joyful" or to "think positively" that gets rid of depression...... No, it is the choice to CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD! That is the choice we have! It is HIS job to fix it....
I asked the Lord, at that moment, to help me force myself to go down and spend some time on the treadmill after supper.... I haven't walked in 5 days! As I started walking, I felt my flesh rebel with every step... my mind started to rebel as well as the emotions of the day began to intensify. I was playing praise and worship music, but the oppression seemed worse than ever in that moment, so I could barely think about what the songs were saying.....Then, I began to call on the Lord.
I said, "Jesus, I know You and others would say 'Speak truth over this..'. but I can't think straight... please help me.... I can't think of a single verse of scripture.... please help me...." As I walked, I wanted to cry.... had tears in my eyes, but my kids were there in the basement and I didn't want to have to explain, so I was trying to stay calm.... I was trying so hard to remember how.... to remember something....
After several very intense moments, I remembered my "labor verse," almost as it if was calling out from some place distant..... Of course! The only verse I could ever remember while in labor for my pregnancies.... (same reason really, just a different pain)..... Focus on the one verse: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:13.
I just repeated this one verse over and over.... I closed my eyes while walking on the treadmill, just as I would when I was in labor... the only way I can focus in pain.... as each wave of emotional pain hit me, I just breathed that verse as if it were a contraction. Finally, I noticed the intensity was lessened... I noticed that I was remembering other scripture verses now and I prayed them out, and now just hearing the words of my praise & worship music helped again....
My 3yo daughter started a "sword fight" with her 20yo brother that was quite hilarious to watch as I continued to walk.... the "clanging of swords over my head" in spiritual combat had moved down into the physical realm in a comical scene that began to make me laugh! I realized at that point that I had turned a corner....
I continued to walk until I had completed 2 miles... 1 mile farther than my usual walk... and as I finished that last mile, this blog began to form in my head.... so much for wild, unfocused thoughts! :-)
Will I remember all this tomorrow if the dark days descend upon me again? Well, this is why I wrote it down... to help me remember and to process it so it makes even more clear sense to me than it did in the basement an hour ago.... but no matter what happens tomorrow, I know I can call on His Name anytime, anywhere.
So, that is one way of living Under His Wing......
Friday, November 23, 2012
Starting a new blog.....
This isn't my first blog... I think this is my 4th blog ever.... and I do think I had another one on Google, but I can't locate it.... but I thought... let's try again on Blogger because my other blogs are so hard for me to figure out how to add things... of course, I am not sure I can figure it out here either.
I'm a mom. I have 8 kids and I homeschool.... and it's hard. It's not as hard as it used to be... I have graduated two of my kids, and I used to struggle SO much over their education in the past, but somehow, we are now on our 13th year of homeschooling. We have also come through an extremely difficult time period, recently, that lasted at least 5 yrs. It didn't feel survivable. But, here we are....
From 2007-2012, I went through two full -term pregnancies (one a c-section, the other with complications and a 10 day NICU stay,) two miscarriages, a son with emotional problems, another son with a bone tumor in his skull removed in a 12hr. surgery exposing his brain tissue, a hospitalization for my husband with a bowel obstruction, moving to a new house and selling an old house, losing a best friend to cancer, losing my only dear sister to a respiratory infection, and my husband losing his job. This meant two years of unemployment and temp jobs. Poor health with chronic fatigue and exhaustion, rejection by a person whom I thought was a close friend, and the loss of my church of 10 yrs. Even before 2007, I had struggled off and on with depression and chronic fatigue and had 3 miscarriages alternating with healthy pregnancies and homeschooling.
So, here I am now.... battle-weary and scarred. My heart is tender and sensitive to the reality of loss in my life. There is only one safe place for me... one hiding place.... only one place where I can rest.....
Under His Wing.....
"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4
I'm a mom. I have 8 kids and I homeschool.... and it's hard. It's not as hard as it used to be... I have graduated two of my kids, and I used to struggle SO much over their education in the past, but somehow, we are now on our 13th year of homeschooling. We have also come through an extremely difficult time period, recently, that lasted at least 5 yrs. It didn't feel survivable. But, here we are....
From 2007-2012, I went through two full -term pregnancies (one a c-section, the other with complications and a 10 day NICU stay,) two miscarriages, a son with emotional problems, another son with a bone tumor in his skull removed in a 12hr. surgery exposing his brain tissue, a hospitalization for my husband with a bowel obstruction, moving to a new house and selling an old house, losing a best friend to cancer, losing my only dear sister to a respiratory infection, and my husband losing his job. This meant two years of unemployment and temp jobs. Poor health with chronic fatigue and exhaustion, rejection by a person whom I thought was a close friend, and the loss of my church of 10 yrs. Even before 2007, I had struggled off and on with depression and chronic fatigue and had 3 miscarriages alternating with healthy pregnancies and homeschooling.
So, here I am now.... battle-weary and scarred. My heart is tender and sensitive to the reality of loss in my life. There is only one safe place for me... one hiding place.... only one place where I can rest.....
Under His Wing.....
"He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4
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