Since I put my sister's poem on my blog yesterday (see: A Precious Gift from My Sister ) I realized this morning that there was no reason why I couldn't also put the poem that I wrote for her on it... it is my favorite poem out of all the poems I have written. It was one of those that came very quickly..... one moment I was thinking about the words, "when does all the pushing and shoving turn into loving...." and the next moment an entire poem was written. I think I only changed a couple words after the initial writing down.... If you don't know what I mean, you probably don't write anyway... LOL.... It is an inspirational, God-thing.... :-)
I wrote this poem for my sister when she got married in 1994. I was her matron-of-honor, and planned a bridal shower for her. I wrote this poem and had it framed as my gift to her. I also put a copy of this into her casket at her funeral.
Just as I recognize the poem she wrote me as a great gift, I also recognize my ability to have written this poem as a great gift. I have no regrets about my relationship with my sister.... I loved her very much and she loved me.... and we both knew it! What a blessing to know love like that!
When Sisters Are Friends
by Jennifer A. Mull
Tell me, was it love at first sight?
I don't really remember-- I was only two.
but, what could we do?
The Lord put us together,
through happy times and strife,
You've been my sister all my life...
We shared a lot in those years of growing up,
Our room, our toys, our clothes,
the pretty spoon and the pink cup.
We shared many memories....
of Christmas pageants, fashion shows,
rollerskating in the basement,
late night stories, and indoor caroling,
only we understand the sentiment.
Later it was marching band and high school plays....
Sometimes I still miss those days.
We played together, sang together,
danced together, and laughed together.
Of course, we fought, too.
Sisters do.
We weren't always willing partners
in the shared life we were given,
But isn't it funny how time flies?
When did all the pushing and shoving
turn into loving?
I haven't a clue,
But I'm glad it was you.
We've both had other friends,
but this is so different;
It never has to end
When Sisters are Friends.
Under His Wing....
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
A Precious Gift from my Sister
This morning, I came across a poem my sister wrote for me... I don't know of any other poem she ever wrote.... she may have, but this is the only one I have ever seen. I know that writing poetry wasn't something she did often. She wrote this in 1997 and gave it to me, and I think she told me it was her very first poem she had ever written. I had honestly forgotten she wrote it until a few months after her death in 2009, when I accidentally came upon it while going through some old letters. It was as if she wrote it 12 years previously as a gift for me to find it on that particular day! And maybe today, too....
I decided I wanted to post it here to make it nice and easy for me to find. It is such an encouragement to me when I feel sad or lonely or insignificant. True, it does make me cry and I grieve a little, but in the end, I leave with my heart feeling a little edified and encouraged. I am blessed because I know that most people are not told that they have been important to someone.
This is a precious gift from my sister.
You Are So Very Important To Me
I've brought to you my insecurities
and laid them carefully around you,
hoping that you would deal with them gently.
You stood beside me,
when so many have walked away.
You sheltered me
with affection and I felt more secure.
You did not treat me with insignificance,
but you showed me a brighter side,
and helped me to make corrections along the way.
You hold a vital and inspirational role in my life,
and I wanted you to know
there are so many times when I forget
to tell you just how important
you are to me.
Under His Wing......
I decided I wanted to post it here to make it nice and easy for me to find. It is such an encouragement to me when I feel sad or lonely or insignificant. True, it does make me cry and I grieve a little, but in the end, I leave with my heart feeling a little edified and encouraged. I am blessed because I know that most people are not told that they have been important to someone.
This is a precious gift from my sister.
You Are So Very Important To Me
by Melinda S. Oviedo
I've brought to you my insecurities
and laid them carefully around you,
hoping that you would deal with them gently.
You stood beside me,
when so many have walked away.
You sheltered me
with affection and I felt more secure.
You did not treat me with insignificance,
but you showed me a brighter side,
and helped me to make corrections along the way.
You hold a vital and inspirational role in my life,
and I wanted you to know
there are so many times when I forget
to tell you just how important
you are to me.
Under His Wing......
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Setting the Captives Free.......
This month has been a slow one for me when it comes to blogs... I haven't had much time to do anything that brings any inspiration. I've done a LOT of sitting lately, which is getting a bit old. But, I have also been working through some hard things, which takes up a lot of emotional and mental energy.
One of the things that I have discovered about myself this past week is that I am not a very forgiving person. I thought I was. I thought I had learned how to forgive people. But, in reality, when others hurt me through rejection or some kind of disappointing behavior, instead of truly forgiving and letting go of the anger, or giving the anger over to the Lord, I have been turning that anger around onto myself.... I guess the anger had to go somewhere....why it has been easier to hate myself than others, I don't really understand yet, but that is how I have managed my anger for some time now. If a person rejects me, then, it must be my fault right? Well, that is what I have been believing about myself for some time now.
I have been reading Les Miserables, and in that story, there is a cloister of nuns who belong to an order called "The Bernardines-Benedictines of Martin Verga."1 The time of this story is set in the early to mid-1800's, and this order of nuns is very severe in their self-discipline. They are very strict with their conduct and dress, to the point that they suffer from it. They wore clothing that actually hurt themselves! They prayed in positions that caused suffering, and when they repented for the slightest sin, even just the thought of a sin, they were known to flog themselves or to ask others to flog them.
This is actually hinted at in one of the movies, (the 2000 version with Gerard Depardieu as Jean Valjean) when the prioress lies to Javert about the possibility of a man like Jean Valjean being inside the convent. She protects Jean Valjean, not really knowing anything more about him than the fact that he is the "brother" of Fauchelevant. Perhaps she had a few encounters with him to believe him to be a good man? She must have understood something about his character to make such a decision to lie about it. But, a lie to protect is still a lie, so after Javert leaves, she hands a whip over to another nun and says to her "Give me the full forty, and do not spare me."
Reading about these women who suffered at their own hands in order to show their devotion to God made me very sad. I thought, "Why, don't they know that they don't have to sacrifice themselves like that? Jesus already made the supreme sacrifice. They focus so much on His death, it is like they have forgotten His resurrection." This is just my opinion.
However, this past week, I have come to the realization that I do the very same thing, only instead of physically beating myself, I do it mentally and emotionally. In fact, a good friend of mine has even gone so far as to tell me that I LIE to myself about what I think others are believing about me. It was quite a shock to me! I realized that if I am indeed lying to myself, then I have also CHOSEN to believe lies! That also means that I have not allowed myself to receive the grace God has offered me... something which I try so hard to extend to others, yet do not allow for myself!?!
When I read about these nuns, it was not the first time I had read of this kind of penitent behavior. It makes me feel so sad for them. There is no appearance of joy in their salvation...no appearance of joy in their life! Perhaps they found a peace within it, but that peace doesn't seem founded on grace and forgiveness! Their peace seems to come in their knowledge that they had suffered greatly! And, they remained cloistered, apart from the world, so as not to come in contact with any sin.... and by doing so kept themselves from serving others and showing God's love to the world. They lost an opportunity to be a "light" to their surrounding community. Here is what Paul wrote to the Corinthians about such behavior:
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
And so it has been with me... there have been times when joy has come, but I have had such a difficult time abiding in joy.... perhaps it is because I struggle so much to forgive myself? The idea struck me that perhaps others see me being so hard on myself, and even feel sad and confused as to why I hate myself so much? Maybe it saddens them the way it saddens me when I read about these nuns. Maybe that very sadness in other's eyes is what I have read as "rejection"? Perhaps, in some way, in my heart, I have cloistered myself away from the love of others? I know for a fact that anxiety and fear has kept me from being able to use the gifts and talents God has given me on many occasions. Have I ever been able to truly love others? I thought so.... but there is a song in Les Miserables that Eponine sings in which she realizes she loves Marius, and she says, "I love him, but every day I'm learning all my life I've only been pretending..." Perhaps I am just beginning to learn.....
Pieces of this great puzzle continue to come together for me. I write about it because I know from talking to other hurting people that I am not the only one like this. I have been trying to find my way out of the darkness for a long time now. I believe it is Jesus' great desire to see me free from this... He bought me with His very own Precious Blood! It matters to Him! *I* matter to Him! I've had little revelations about these things all along the way, here and there.... but I never really saw the connection before to MY lack of forgiveness, especially for myself!
I have held onto resentment and bitterness by retaining my right to be hurt by others. In a sense, I have been holding those who hurt me by the last grip I could maintain. "You owe me.... because you hurt me...." By holding onto the hurt, I tortured myself.....but, by torturing myself, it was like saying that Jesus' sacrifice wasn't enough.... but it WAS! I can rest in knowing that He truly removed my shame!
So, it is time to release those who have been in debt to me.
First prisoner on the list..... me....
Under His Wing.....
1Hugo, Victor (2010-12-16). Les Misérables (English language) (p. 332). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.
One of the things that I have discovered about myself this past week is that I am not a very forgiving person. I thought I was. I thought I had learned how to forgive people. But, in reality, when others hurt me through rejection or some kind of disappointing behavior, instead of truly forgiving and letting go of the anger, or giving the anger over to the Lord, I have been turning that anger around onto myself.... I guess the anger had to go somewhere....why it has been easier to hate myself than others, I don't really understand yet, but that is how I have managed my anger for some time now. If a person rejects me, then, it must be my fault right? Well, that is what I have been believing about myself for some time now.
I have been reading Les Miserables, and in that story, there is a cloister of nuns who belong to an order called "The Bernardines-Benedictines of Martin Verga."1 The time of this story is set in the early to mid-1800's, and this order of nuns is very severe in their self-discipline. They are very strict with their conduct and dress, to the point that they suffer from it. They wore clothing that actually hurt themselves! They prayed in positions that caused suffering, and when they repented for the slightest sin, even just the thought of a sin, they were known to flog themselves or to ask others to flog them.
This is actually hinted at in one of the movies, (the 2000 version with Gerard Depardieu as Jean Valjean) when the prioress lies to Javert about the possibility of a man like Jean Valjean being inside the convent. She protects Jean Valjean, not really knowing anything more about him than the fact that he is the "brother" of Fauchelevant. Perhaps she had a few encounters with him to believe him to be a good man? She must have understood something about his character to make such a decision to lie about it. But, a lie to protect is still a lie, so after Javert leaves, she hands a whip over to another nun and says to her "Give me the full forty, and do not spare me."
Reading about these women who suffered at their own hands in order to show their devotion to God made me very sad. I thought, "Why, don't they know that they don't have to sacrifice themselves like that? Jesus already made the supreme sacrifice. They focus so much on His death, it is like they have forgotten His resurrection." This is just my opinion.
However, this past week, I have come to the realization that I do the very same thing, only instead of physically beating myself, I do it mentally and emotionally. In fact, a good friend of mine has even gone so far as to tell me that I LIE to myself about what I think others are believing about me. It was quite a shock to me! I realized that if I am indeed lying to myself, then I have also CHOSEN to believe lies! That also means that I have not allowed myself to receive the grace God has offered me... something which I try so hard to extend to others, yet do not allow for myself!?!
When I read about these nuns, it was not the first time I had read of this kind of penitent behavior. It makes me feel so sad for them. There is no appearance of joy in their salvation...no appearance of joy in their life! Perhaps they found a peace within it, but that peace doesn't seem founded on grace and forgiveness! Their peace seems to come in their knowledge that they had suffered greatly! And, they remained cloistered, apart from the world, so as not to come in contact with any sin.... and by doing so kept themselves from serving others and showing God's love to the world. They lost an opportunity to be a "light" to their surrounding community. Here is what Paul wrote to the Corinthians about such behavior:
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
And so it has been with me... there have been times when joy has come, but I have had such a difficult time abiding in joy.... perhaps it is because I struggle so much to forgive myself? The idea struck me that perhaps others see me being so hard on myself, and even feel sad and confused as to why I hate myself so much? Maybe it saddens them the way it saddens me when I read about these nuns. Maybe that very sadness in other's eyes is what I have read as "rejection"? Perhaps, in some way, in my heart, I have cloistered myself away from the love of others? I know for a fact that anxiety and fear has kept me from being able to use the gifts and talents God has given me on many occasions. Have I ever been able to truly love others? I thought so.... but there is a song in Les Miserables that Eponine sings in which she realizes she loves Marius, and she says, "I love him, but every day I'm learning all my life I've only been pretending..." Perhaps I am just beginning to learn.....
Pieces of this great puzzle continue to come together for me. I write about it because I know from talking to other hurting people that I am not the only one like this. I have been trying to find my way out of the darkness for a long time now. I believe it is Jesus' great desire to see me free from this... He bought me with His very own Precious Blood! It matters to Him! *I* matter to Him! I've had little revelations about these things all along the way, here and there.... but I never really saw the connection before to MY lack of forgiveness, especially for myself!
I have held onto resentment and bitterness by retaining my right to be hurt by others. In a sense, I have been holding those who hurt me by the last grip I could maintain. "You owe me.... because you hurt me...." By holding onto the hurt, I tortured myself.....but, by torturing myself, it was like saying that Jesus' sacrifice wasn't enough.... but it WAS! I can rest in knowing that He truly removed my shame!
So, it is time to release those who have been in debt to me.
First prisoner on the list..... me....
Under His Wing.....
1Hugo, Victor (2010-12-16). Les Misérables (English language) (p. 332). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Love Defined Upon a Cross
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Spider Webs Through the Eyes of Faith.......
This morning I saw this post: Thousands of Spiders Fall from the Skies of Brazil. Basically, the article talks about a phenomenon in which thousands of spiders were seen falling from the sky there. I have to say, I am NOT a fan of spiders... I appreciate that they do some good things for us, and that they are an important part of the ecological cycle, but I just want them to stay far away from ME! I don't instinctively kill every spider I come in contact with anymore... it now matters what size and kind it is, but most of all whether it is dangling over my head or not. I just can't stand the idea of spiders over my HEAD! The very thought of thousands of spiders falling from the skies is the stuff of my nightmares!
This reminded me of an experience I had years ago. When I still lived in Fowler, one morning I needed to drive down the highway to West Lafayette, about 25 minutes drive. It was a foggy morning, but the sun was just beginning to burn off the mist. Shortly after I turned onto the highway, I became aware that there were literally THOUSANDS of spider webs all over the weeds along the sides of the four lane highway and also down the median....the sunlight was highlighting the dew as it laid upon the spiderwebs causing each one to glow with an eerie brightness. At first, I didn't think too much of it, other than it was gross... but as I continued the drive, the spider webs continued all the way along the highway for the full distance..... the realization of HOW MANY spiders made these webs began to give me the creeps. I literally shuddered at the thought. I looked at other vehicles on the highway and wondered if others saw the webs, too! It dawned on me that the cars on the other side of the highway probably couldn't see them because of the angle of the sun. So, those on the other side were driving along, oblivious to this massive invasion, while those on my side were seeing the reality of spiders everywhere.
As I got closer to town, a metaphor began to form in my mind. I thought about how this was similar to having the opportunity of seeing into the spiritual realm around us. It is there, but we often take it for granted because we think much more about what we are able to see with our own eyes than what we could see with the eyes of faith. I thought about how most of the time we are all like those people who were driving on the other side of the road.... oblivious to the reality of what is truly surrounding us. What if, for a moment, we could see the rulers, authorities and powers of this dark world? What if we could see the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms? (Eph. 6:12) What if we could see the angels concerning you that He commands to guard you in all your ways? (Psa 91:11, MT 4:6, Luke 4:10) What kind of battles would we see?
There is a story in the Old Testament of Elisha the prophet when King Aram came against Israel. The servant was fearful that they were doomed and he asked Elisha what they should do. "And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." 2 Kings 6:17
What was that like for that servant? How did it change his perception of what was to come in this battle? What if we could see this realm everyday.... how would it change what we do? How would we manage our day? Of course, that is not living by faith, that would be living by sight. When we exercise our faith, we believe that realm is being affected by our prayers and we believe that realm affects our daily lives. What would happen if we could walk, daily, in the truth of Psalm 27:1:
Spiders raining from the sky is a strange phenomenon (thankfully) that I hope never to see, but it is good to remember that there is a realm all around us that we cannot normally see, but is very much a part of our lives. Today, we can walk in the truth that God is for us.
This reminded me of an experience I had years ago. When I still lived in Fowler, one morning I needed to drive down the highway to West Lafayette, about 25 minutes drive. It was a foggy morning, but the sun was just beginning to burn off the mist. Shortly after I turned onto the highway, I became aware that there were literally THOUSANDS of spider webs all over the weeds along the sides of the four lane highway and also down the median....the sunlight was highlighting the dew as it laid upon the spiderwebs causing each one to glow with an eerie brightness. At first, I didn't think too much of it, other than it was gross... but as I continued the drive, the spider webs continued all the way along the highway for the full distance..... the realization of HOW MANY spiders made these webs began to give me the creeps. I literally shuddered at the thought. I looked at other vehicles on the highway and wondered if others saw the webs, too! It dawned on me that the cars on the other side of the highway probably couldn't see them because of the angle of the sun. So, those on the other side were driving along, oblivious to this massive invasion, while those on my side were seeing the reality of spiders everywhere.
As I got closer to town, a metaphor began to form in my mind. I thought about how this was similar to having the opportunity of seeing into the spiritual realm around us. It is there, but we often take it for granted because we think much more about what we are able to see with our own eyes than what we could see with the eyes of faith. I thought about how most of the time we are all like those people who were driving on the other side of the road.... oblivious to the reality of what is truly surrounding us. What if, for a moment, we could see the rulers, authorities and powers of this dark world? What if we could see the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms? (Eph. 6:12) What if we could see the angels concerning you that He commands to guard you in all your ways? (Psa 91:11, MT 4:6, Luke 4:10) What kind of battles would we see?
There is a story in the Old Testament of Elisha the prophet when King Aram came against Israel. The servant was fearful that they were doomed and he asked Elisha what they should do. "And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.” Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." 2 Kings 6:17
What was that like for that servant? How did it change his perception of what was to come in this battle? What if we could see this realm everyday.... how would it change what we do? How would we manage our day? Of course, that is not living by faith, that would be living by sight. When we exercise our faith, we believe that realm is being affected by our prayers and we believe that realm affects our daily lives. What would happen if we could walk, daily, in the truth of Psalm 27:1:
"The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"
Under His Wing.....
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
But God Has Put the Body Together.........
Well, it has been a whole week since I broke my foot, and I think, for the most part, I have done ok. I had a lot of teary-eyed mornings starting out, but slowly I'm starting to figure out new ways of doing things. I have gotten used to many things NOT getting done, though I hope that changes over the course of the next week. Since I broke my foot at 11:15 pm last Wednesday, I realize this day really isn't over yet, but at least so far, it would seem that I haven't managed to have any major crisis yet today. This is good news since I had my back issues on three consecutive Wednesdays, and then my foot last Wednesday. Maybe I will actually become focused once again and start to accomplish a few things. It is amazing how difficult it is to even complete your thoughts when you have a crisis every week. LOL!Yesterday, I saw my orthopedic doctor and found out that I have a broken foot. LOL... really, that's what he told me.... They had me do more x-rays, which I didn't refuse because they made it sound like they weren't sure what was wrong with my foot, but then, told me afterwards the exact same information. <sigh> The good news is that I only have to wear the boot for 4 more weeks and that I can start putting some weight on my foot, carefully, and only with the boot on. I admit, I tried to walk without crutches, but that still hurts too much. I am going to give myself another week of crutches, and then try next week to see if I can start walking without them. It makes a huge difference already just being able to put my foot down when I am losing my balance, so this is very good news!
I admit, I feel rather embarrassed when everyone wants to help me, but it deeply touches my heart at the same time. I worry at times about being a burden on others or giving the impression that I deserve to be waited upon. But, I know that people are blessed in helping me, and I feel very blessed in receiving that help. It is humbling, but I know I am growing in grace.
Yesterday, a woman at my homeschool co-op pointed out that it is like the scripture in 1Corinthians 12:
21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” 22 On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24 while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has put the body together, giving greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25 so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26 If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.27 Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.
She pointed out that when one part of the body hurts, the whole body is affected. I said, "Yes, I can totally relate to that passage because my whole body is actually hurting more than my foot right now. My arms and legs and back actually hurt more from helping my foot transport my body."
She said, "And, isn't that how it is supposed to be with the Body of Christ?"
Something to think about.....
Under His Wing.....
Saturday, February 2, 2013
This is a picture of my feet last night.... yesterday, I took off the stocking that I had worn the first 24 hours after my break ( read about that here: Things that Happen in the Night.) When I took it off, the foot look slightly swollen on the outer part of the foot with a little puffiness in the toe. Yesterday, I was not very serious about keeping it elevated (maybe even a little rebellious?) It hasn't hurt that much, so I guess I wasn't that worried about it.... took off my sock last night and this is what greeted me! I kept it elevated all night long and it was much better this morning.... So, yeah, taking the elevating a little more seriously today. I have my frozen veggies on my foot right now, too.
It's funny, since the stocking kept the swelling down while at the hospital, the doctor seemed very bored with my injury and acted like he really didn't think it was broken. He seemed surprised when, indeed, I had a fracture.... I wonder if he would be impressed now?!?! ;-)
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