This month has been a slow one for me when it comes to blogs... I haven't had much time to do anything that brings any inspiration. I've done a LOT of sitting lately, which is getting a bit old. But, I have also been working through some hard things, which takes up a lot of emotional and mental energy.
One of the things that I have discovered about myself this past week is that I am not a very forgiving person. I thought I was. I thought I had learned how to forgive people. But, in reality, when others hurt me through rejection or some kind of disappointing behavior, instead of truly forgiving and letting go of the anger, or giving the anger over to the Lord, I have been turning that anger around onto myself.... I guess the anger had to go somewhere....why it has been easier to hate myself than others, I don't really understand yet, but that is how I have managed my anger for some time now. If a person rejects me, then, it must be my fault right? Well, that is what I have been believing about myself for some time now.
I have been reading Les Miserables, and in that story, there is a cloister of nuns who belong to an order called "The Bernardines-Benedictines of Martin Verga."1 The time of this story is set in the early to mid-1800's, and this order of nuns is very severe in their self-discipline. They are very strict with their conduct and dress, to the point that they suffer from it. They wore clothing that actually hurt themselves! They prayed in positions that caused suffering, and when they repented for the slightest sin, even just the thought of a sin, they were known to flog themselves or to ask others to flog them.
This is actually hinted at in one of the movies, (the 2000 version with Gerard Depardieu as Jean Valjean) when the prioress lies to Javert about the possibility of a man like Jean Valjean being inside the convent. She protects Jean Valjean, not really knowing anything more about him than the fact that he is the "brother" of Fauchelevant. Perhaps she had a few encounters with him to believe him to be a good man? She must have understood something about his character to make such a decision to lie about it. But, a lie to protect is still a lie, so after Javert leaves, she hands a whip over to another nun and says to her "Give me the full forty, and do not spare me."
Reading about these women who suffered at their own hands in order to show their devotion to God made me very sad. I thought, "Why, don't they know that they don't have to sacrifice themselves like that? Jesus already made the supreme sacrifice. They focus so much on His death, it is like they have forgotten His resurrection." This is just my opinion.
However, this past week, I have come to the realization that I do the very same thing, only instead of physically beating myself, I do it mentally and emotionally. In fact, a good friend of mine has even gone so far as to tell me that I LIE to myself about what I think others are believing about me. It was quite a shock to me! I realized that if I am indeed lying to myself, then I have also CHOSEN to believe lies! That also means that I have not allowed myself to receive the grace God has offered me... something which I try so hard to extend to others, yet do not allow for myself!?!
When I read about these nuns, it was not the first time I had read of this kind of penitent behavior. It makes me feel so sad for them. There is no appearance of joy in their salvation...no appearance of joy in their life! Perhaps they found a peace within it, but that peace doesn't seem founded on grace and forgiveness! Their peace seems to come in their knowledge that they had suffered greatly! And, they remained cloistered, apart from the world, so as not to come in contact with any sin.... and by doing so kept themselves from serving others and showing God's love to the world. They lost an opportunity to be a "light" to their surrounding community. Here is what Paul wrote to the Corinthians about such behavior:
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:1-3
And so it has been with me... there have been times when joy has come, but I have had such a difficult time abiding in joy.... perhaps it is because I struggle so much to forgive myself? The idea struck me that perhaps others see me being so hard on myself, and even feel sad and confused as to why I hate myself so much? Maybe it saddens them the way it saddens me when I read about these nuns. Maybe that very sadness in other's eyes is what I have read as "rejection"? Perhaps, in some way, in my heart, I have cloistered myself away from the love of others? I know for a fact that anxiety and fear has kept me from being able to use the gifts and talents God has given me on many occasions. Have I ever been able to truly love others? I thought so.... but there is a song in Les Miserables that Eponine sings in which she realizes she loves Marius, and she says, "I love him, but every day I'm learning all my life I've only been pretending..." Perhaps I am just beginning to learn.....
Pieces of this great puzzle continue to come together for me. I write about it because I know from talking to other hurting people that I am not the only one like this. I have been trying to find my way out of the darkness for a long time now. I believe it is Jesus' great desire to see me free from this... He bought me with His very own Precious Blood! It matters to Him! *I* matter to Him! I've had little revelations about these things all along the way, here and there.... but I never really saw the connection before to MY lack of forgiveness, especially for myself!
I have held onto resentment and bitterness by retaining my right to be hurt by others. In a sense, I have been holding those who hurt me by the last grip I could maintain. "You owe me.... because you hurt me...." By holding onto the hurt, I tortured myself.....but, by torturing myself, it was like saying that Jesus' sacrifice wasn't enough.... but it WAS! I can rest in knowing that He truly removed my shame!
So, it is time to release those who have been in debt to me.
First prisoner on the list..... me....
Under His Wing.....
1Hugo, Victor (2010-12-16). Les Misérables (English language) (p. 332). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.
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