Emotional Healing.... When It Comes.....

     Today was a rough day.... This morning, it was obvious I had more swelling in my back... the pain was pretty bad, but I just stayed in my recliner all morning.... I was more concerned that besides my back hurting, my neck was now messed up as well.

     Finally, in the afternoon, I made myself go downstairs and I only sat on the hard, wooden dining room chair long enough to check my email and send one quick message. When I tried to stand, I could barely do so, and it was excruciating. I thought my legs were going to go out from under me, and it scared me. I managed to stay upright and once I started walking, I could manage the pain better. I had to be very careful climbing the stairs to go back to my recliner that I knew was the only place I could sit and be relatively comfortable.

     It became obvious as I sat down that something had changed.... I was in very intense pain... now, I wasn't even sure I could get back out of my chair to get back downstairs if I needed to leave. I did think of the ice at this point. I am thankful to say that by the time I was able to get a hold of my chiropractor, I had iced my back for over 40 min. and I was finding the ability to stand painful, but not impossible.

     The chiropractor worked a very long time on me, much longer than usual. I was very touched by her patience and gentleness. She didn't even make me move my head myself, but gently lifted and turned it for me. She did not have to be convinced at all that I was in pain, and I even sensed that she was hurting with me in some way. At one point, she had me bend my knees while lying on my back.... well, in reality, she had to bend my knees for me.... and I had to have her stop halfway, let me breathe through painful spasms, and then let her move the legs again.... She was patient with me as I screamed out in pain when I had to cough and a violent spasm in my lower back took hold.

     While we waited for my back to calm down, she said, "I want to pray for you." I cannot tell you how blessed I was to have her invite the Healer into that moment. Tears sprang to my eyes as Peace washed over me.... yes, I was still in pain....even when I left the office.... but I felt I could trust the Lord again for the next day.

     I told my chiropractor that I was fighting against the fear that this was going to be how it is the rest of my life. She did not agree. She said that each time she had worked on my back, I made good progress, but then, each time, I encountered something that brought me back into that pain scenario. She reasoned that probably if I hadn't caught the virus I had, I probably wouldn't have had this setback at all.

     As she made little manipulations that caused my muscles to relax and cause things to come into alignment, I was thinking about how similar this is to my own emotional healing as well. The truth is, I had a very great trauma occur to my emotional health a few years ago, and though I am always working to try to recover, it seems like every now and then, I will encounter a situation that pulls at those wounds... opens them up again. It often feels like I will never recover, even though, if I look back, I can see that I have made remarkable progress....

     Sometimes, I think I just recover way too slow... but then I think, I can only recover as fast as I can recover....I am glad that I didn't know when I hurt my back a few weeks ago that it would take so long to recover.... usually, I recover within one or two appointments.... If I had known then how long it would take, I think I would've had a very difficult time coping....and when it comes to my emotions, I guess I feel the same way..... I can only recover as fast as I can recover.... I hope it won't take years and years, but it might... it is probably best that I don't know.

     And, then there is the effect on others.... my family has definitely been affected by my back pain. I haven't been able to do hardly anything. I think if they just look around, they can see by the catastrophe that has become our household that I do a lot more than what they realize. My poor husband has had to bear the brunt of this situation, making supper and helping the kids when they were sick and doing a load of laundry here and there. My back pain isn't just my back pain... it hurts others, too.....

     And so it is with my emotions..... family and friends all get caught in the torrent of emotion when I get lost in the recurring, intrusive thoughts and painful memories..... how will I ever be able to recover enough that I don't hurt others in the process? Can I trust the Lord with His grace that it is enough to cover over my own sinfulness and mistakes? I have to.... it is my only Hope. Whether others can extend grace to me in those moments or not, I know I can trust in His grace. He reminds me of how far I have already come..... and that He will not abandon me. I face another day in this process knowing that I won't walk it out perfectly, but trusting that He will work everything for my good and for the good of others.

      I wonder what it would feel like to be totally healed? Would I recognize it right away? When my back feels better after being in pain, I am always amazed at how very quickly I forget the pain. I start moving about and suddenly it dawns on me, "Hey, that didn't hurt!" I wonder if it will be like that with the emotional healing when it comes.... will I just notice, one day, "Hey, that doesn't hurt?" I am anxious to find out.

Waiting patiently........

Under His Wing